Gaseous Belly

The Avatar Experience

2009-12-23T19:57:00.000-08:00

One. I opened the REAL-D glass at exactly five minutes into the movie to see things look without. Screen looked exactly like how Doordarshan did back in 80s when a strong afternoon wind moved the rooftop antenna from its perfect alignment with the "tower". Two or three able bodied men would immediately rush to the roof, one person with better eyesight than imagination would keep staring at the screen down. There would be back and forth communication between the two groups till the exact alignment is restored, evident from a 'good picture'. Only if we had these cool 3-d glasses back then.

Two. The major problem with a perfectly shot 3D movie is the new way to deal with who I call the popcorn pirates. These folks probably have perpetually bad toilet at home and find theater popcorn more gourmet than anything at French Laundry. In normal movies you can strategically maneuver your legs as they pass through the tiny isle to hurt them real bad. In such well executed 3D, it's indeed confusing to figure out whether these creatures in front are Popcorn Pirates or just a few oversized folks from a different planet.

Three. My wife keeps stalking Abhishek Bachchan in Twitter et al. She'd told me Abhishek thinks Avatar is a lot like Hindi movies. I was still looking for a Johnny Lever among Na'vis who would ape humans, or a veteran Omprakash - modern Aloknath type Na'vi who would want to hand over the planet to humans with no axe to grind. Hint: Na'vis were mostly arboreal. Not Na'vi as in Navi Mumbai!

Four. Stephen Lang (the nasty colonel) is 57. Seriously? Or, his muscles came from the same data center Na'vis' tails did?

Five. During the climactic fight, I was literally Wii-ing my hands to punch the colonel or take out a couple of planes. It was, to paraphrase Gulshan Grover, 'a bit more than games, a bit less than classic'.

What have we achieved in this decade? Targeted Ads!

2009-12-08T08:38:00.000-08:00

This is so awesome!

Kevin Khekra et al

2009-10-11T20:28:00.000-07:00

How about who all I am talking about? Extra credits if you name the movies along.

Heera Singh
Kesariya Vilaayti
Tapasvi Gunjal
Bob 'Odzhora'
Tyson
Sir Juda
Kali Babu
Inspector Sher Singh (this, I have to give movie name -- "Cheetah". Inspector Sher Singh in Cheetah. Ha ha)
Kevin Khekra
Dost Khan

(Courtesy: Filmfare, Oct 14, 2009)

Snowflakes on the Bald Tree

2009-08-18T14:26:00.000-07:00

Moment 1

1995. A bunch of thin, clueless and boasting Engineering students keep bunking all classes. During the college fest, suddenly they enroll to a "Computer Training" to learn Unix and C. Two evenings every week. He would be there the first every evening. While the instructor waits frustratingly for others to arrive from different joints within the city, he would open his tiffin box and munch things in extreme peace with himself. The instructor does not look too happy when others show up. Finally.

Moment 2

1997. The bunch of thin, clueless and boasting Engineering students are chatting inside the 'pavilion'. As it happens at such times, people are cutting each other with random sentences. One of his was (obviously translated) - "The most important thing is where we will be in another ten years. First five years, I want to get out of this coding business. After another five years, I want to get into Management. Coding sucks." People laugh. He was damn serious.

Moment 3

1998. He just started 'seeing' someone in his first job. A friend visits Bombay from Chennai. Three of us meet to plan to go to Khandala / Pune for a couple of days and just drink throughout. He bailed out seriously pissing off both of them. Did not even come for the drink session that evening. His reason? "Borivali te national park ache. Rate bagh beroy. Oke bari chere dite hobe.' (Tigers sometime come out from National Park and roam around in open after dark. I have to drop her to her place).

Moment 4

1999. He is in Canada for work. Spends several thousands of dollars in a month to call his wife (the same one he escorted home).

Moment 5

2001. He shows up at Amber Calcutta every Saturday usually direct from a shoe sale. Or, clothing sale. Or, some shop. He loves to buy. And to eat too.

Moment 6

2003. He and a couple other friends would phone conference during the world cup and analyze the games. The analysis often ran for hours, with no seeming stoppage of liberal opinions on non-performers.

Moment 7

August, 2009. He calls up a friend, this one in fact. Practically ambushes him on why he does not "keep in touch" anymore. He also mocks at the lame excuse of "recession, boss" at any serious questions he asks. Talks about Madhuri Dixit sightings in Denver; Mamata Banerjee's accent; Subhash Bhowmick's Coaching camps; Fate of aging programmers in US; State of the Economy - and especially a few companies he and his friend knows about; the not-so-funny moments of home-ownership and a whole bunch of other topics. While doing so he also kept a close eye on his 5 yr old daughter playing in park. As she finished playing, he keeps the phone promising to call back. Soon.

When someone leaves, he leaves a lot of moments behind. His social networking site "Title" reads -- "enjoy every moment of life". He surely did. His activities read - "getting limited day by day :)". We saw him coming to college on bike, almost every day. Unsurprisingly, his favourite movie list starts with "Jo Jeeta Wohi Sikandar". His fashion sense reads -- and shows as he sips into a cool cocktail in the profile pic -- "trendy". Some guy even wrote in his page "abe woh phot change kar... kudiyon ko phasa raha hai... abhi tu buda ho gaya.." Another close friend commented - "uuf, gola chhobi to re...pechhone line diye meyera nacha nachi korle aro bhalo hoto".

One of his professional recommendations ends with -- "He will be a good asset to wherever he goes!"

He is not here anymore. Only The Good Die Young.

Finally! Bollywood is new Chandraswami; Arms Dealers lose job

2009-04-11T14:51:00.001-07:00

Imagine if Sarah Palin forgot "Website Number"

2009-02-26T07:04:00.000-08:00

Joe Biden is so much like Lalmohanbabu, it's hard not to like him :)

Recession Tracker - Slumdog Wins Oscar

2009-02-22T21:24:00.000-08:00

So, Academy is finally giving a stern notice to the producers -- just like my Boss has been dropping at me -- the era of extravagance is gone. Spend less and earn more. Danny Boy was so good at cutting cost that they did not even show a real Amitabh Bachchan. The guy they showed must have been straight from a Boogie Woogie episode.

Here is a list of all "Best Picture" winners in this century and comparative ROI -- you would see why Slumdog should have totally won it.

Danny Boy for President!!

Recession Tracker - Kidney through Vagina -- Save Stitching Cost

2009-02-04T20:23:00.000-08:00

As the recession has taken an unprecedented magnitude, Doctors trying their best to save on hospital care and stitching cost have decided to use the vaginal opening to extract kidney out of willing female donors. Never one to miss subtleties, the following line caught my attention -

surgeons will then make a larger cut in the abdomen to extract the fist-size organ.

Us men can still use other revered orifice(s) to extract kidney beans in perhaps form that is the title of this popular blog.

Slump Dump : Recession Tracker - "Reply to All" button going away

2009-02-01T11:00:00.000-08:00

(At the request of my dear friend, I am taking this segment right out of our daily chat sessions. None of the info is "made up".)

Somewhere I read every email costs $0.001 or so. Eliminating "Reply to All" definitely will save a couple of thousands a day across the globe. I propose they use that money to give the animals with "short life cycles" a last supper that they deserve. Cute lill' things and our big government does not even care.

Next I hear, they are going to eliminate "Q" from the keyboard, you use asterisk or something else. Hopefully that makes our computers cheaper, the earth less warm and the proverbial spousal email with less *uestions.

Big DaWg

2009-01-20T12:24:00.001-08:00

The three major US indices (Dow; Nasdaq and S&P500) all took a nosedive when our new president delivered a highly shallow speech. By the time he finished, people knew he could not do math ("Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath" - Duh! Bill Clinton is one guy; so is Dubya!); a leader more complaining than a whiny teen with an Unlimited cell phone plan ("Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet"); is more socialist (and less brave) than Joe Stalin ("on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good"); will not only waste taxpayers' money within US, but outside too ("to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity"); is shaking not only in cold but also from P-U-T-I-N ("our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint"); will kowtow to Cuba-Iran-Syria and North Korea too ("those new threats that demand even greater effort — even greater cooperation and understanding between nations"); and someone who just made Islam the official second religion of United States ("We are a nation of Christians and Muslims").

Terrible PJ

2008-12-27T23:25:00.000-08:00

(Please do not read further this unless you can take awful pun that could ruin your day OR unless you have been following the connection between Pradeep Rawat and Aamir Khan over last decade! I could dare publish it because only three people ever care to read my blog.)

Just came back watching Ghajini. As Aamir was beating the shit out of Pradeep Rawat, one thought came to mind. In the original Ghajini (Tamil) Pradeep had a twin brother. Rawat also played the role of Aswathama in B.R.Chopra's Mahabharat. So - HUGE SPOILER ALERT -after Aamir Khan kills him, does Ziah Khan whisper to his effervescent memory - "Aswathama hata(h) (iti Ghajini)"?

Lost Worlds - What have We Lost & Where Did it Go? - Part 1

2008-10-24T23:18:00.000-07:00

(Idea shamelessly copied from this paperback - definitely worth a read. A lot of the following references would not be obvious -- just like fragments from another scattered life.)

Here is my list -

VCR Rental Nights. VHS (not) rewind fine.
Morning newspaper delivery - the "thud" on the balcony.
Nylon back "Easy Chair"
Borolene. Not the cream - but the the most wonderful program to ever air -- "Borolene-er Sonsar".
TV Box - so the TV screen can be "locked". Close second - phone padlocks.
"Niruddes Sonkranto Ghoshona" (Announcement on Missing Persons) before 7:30PM Bengali news - Me and my brother used to play guessing game on the age. One had to guess the correct age in the 3 seconds between the appearance of the photo and the utterance of the details. Later, I even started "Guess the name" contest. One had to be really fast to even aim that.
Bryan Adams in a Pizza Shop / Scoop - welcome adulthood!
Anil Grover column in "The Telegraph" magazine.
Leaving "Adarsha Hindu Hotel" unfinished on one evening as the rest of the hostelites came back from their stupid football game.
Watching "Rani Rasmoni" on open air screen with 350 other boys who just stepped into teens.
Anandamela Pujabarshiki before 1992. Especially, Shailen Ghosh's first five years and Sanjeev Chattopadhyay's middle two!
First road trip in US. Yes, it was Niagara and we stopped at McDonald's at 3AM!
Used magazine purchase from train "hawkers" before the train picked up full speed.
Comparing notes about "phone card charges" with fellow first-timers in US.
Dulal Chandra Bhar's Taal MichDi ads on right newspaper ear. The distinction between it and Dulal Bhar's was as ethereal as that between "Kuwari Dulhan" and "Kunwari Dulhan" (worth a full separate post!).
Reading Panjika on a lazy summer vacation afternoon.
Reading "Bharoter Sadhok" (Sages of India) on another lazy summer vacation afternoon as there was literally nothing else to read.
First sexual "awakening" as Heike Dreschler long jumped for the gold in World Championships 1987. This was the exact photograph, BTW, printed on one amazingly used page of Anandabazar Patrika. I saw this photo of her's first time today, however.
First drink at New Cathey Restaurant. It was Gin and Lime.
Sarodiyo Khela. Especially the best ever sports series called "Utko Sangbadiker Diary"
Sportstar Posters! Need I say more?
ATN. Where did it go? Why did it go? Could someone one day do a comparative analysis between ATN and CVO at their peaks?
Park Street Cemetery - St Xavier's would never be the same without the very dead Sahibs relaxing so close by. Smoking anywhere else would never be the same again.
"Rubber Deuce" ball. Any bozo and his uncle can play first-class cricket. Surviving 7 balls or more with those red tiny things that changed its shape, contour, speed and even horizontal path within a whole 18 yards separated men from sissies. BTW, has anyone else ever felt that someone always seems to carry rubber deuce ball very until it hits the bat? Otherwise, why the hell it NEVER really attains a circular shape on its trajectory!
Reading comics at relatives house. Why does comics feel so much better when someone else buys it and when there is a tight time line you have to finish it within?!

Six Unspectacular Quirks

2008-10-06T21:22:00.001-07:00

This is the first time someone has "tagged" me. I feel the same excitement I felt when my parents had bought me a cool "Omega" pencil box replacing the bland "Camel" one.

Here goes the list -

1. I can burp the words - "I love you". Seriously, ask my wife. However, I only resort to perform the trick when my wife complains I am not "romantic enough".

2. I am somewhat scared to fly. The fact that I was scheduled to be in airspace on 09/11/2001 does not help. So much so that even though my job requires a wee bit of travel, I always drive. This is not a quirk though. The mentionable fact is I am highly fond of plane crash movies. I have watched all of them. Yes, "Final Destination 1" plane crash is the best of 'em all. Bordering obsession, I have extensively researched all major air crashes and even read the FAA reports and deep engineering analysis of most of it!

3. I have watched each and every one of Shilpa Shirodkar's movies. "Bhrastachar" was the best; "Raghuveer" - I watched twice as I was in Ghatshila for a month and nothing else was running.

4. I wear a watch where I can measure heartbeats per second. During numerous meetings, I measure the pulse. If it goes above 90, I try my best to not speak.

While buying that watch, I got tax break from US Government. That's the most productive career tool I ever owned.

5. Much earlier, after all the beers I drank in a session, I could write my full name - including surname - on the urinal wall. These days, I could only do my "daak naam" (pet name) that has about five letters.

6. I very strongly believe that intelligence is over-hyped. Stemming from a faux-confidence intelligent people make the worst kind of mistake. Leaders and top Managers should have a little less brainpower than their followers. That would at least make it possible for them to consult smarter people. We have seen the best educated people putting us in the present economic mess we are in. Now we should put common folks at the helm and see why exactly top formal education is worthless. My friends, that's why, I have contributed to John McCain's campaign.

Someone I never (really) disagreed with

2008-09-02T23:47:00.000-07:00

Our sweetest moments always coincide with unexpected success. Kapil's Devils' 83; myself scoring a 25/25 in "Gaan" class with Prabhatda -who looked like Hemanta - in Narendrapur; myself - again - cracking the JEE in 1993 and so on. As I, Prantik, Partha and BeNte (Aniruddha) met a couple of days after JEE results were out, celebrating the much expected demise of our Math coaching class on Saturday evening in Golpark -- Prantik bore his trade-smirk and warned me in his very "I know you will be disappointed if you cut this tomato for Omelette" tone that one of his schoolmates would probably be in my Engineering class considering our pretty close ranks. I was 315, the weird named unknown folk talked about was 310. While expecting Partha's mother would bring another round of Bourbon biscuits to dip into very sweet and lukewarm evening tea, I mumbled a feeble "so?". I was already being told about "characters" I would meet in Jadavpur University by rank and file, somehow letting me fantasize of the chaotic life ahead where I could somehow redefine anarchy with the help of so and so.

Jumpcut. July, 1997. The orientation was just over. It rained. As I was about to pay the princely sum of about Rs. 181.50 for the "registration" in Mechanical Engineering, I realized I just had a few hundreds. Always a believer of conspiracy theory and still not coming to terms with me being there, I was scared that I may lose the seat if the clerk does not have a change. Some other Electrical Engineering dude may come ahead with the change and swap. As hard as getting a change was, I broke into cold sweat thinking what would happen if I could not get it in 10 minutes or so. I may have to decide for Printing Technology in REC, Suratkal.

This spectacled and aloof guy was standing nearby with his father. I hid my desperation and asked if they have change. I even took out my most creasefree bill to try lure them. His father, without speaking much and definitely not looking at my bait, took out his wallet, handed me change for a 100 and took the shiny bill from me. We chatted for a moment or two. I shook hands, thanked them profusely and was convinced that Prantik never really understands people the way I do.

Jumpcut. Zoom to first semester. Our roll numbers were adjacent. We both were trying our best to be as blue collar as we can fake to be. We were together in things that are top in every 18 year old's mind - wood working, metal fitting workshop, foundry, forging etc. Worse - him and I were grouped together. I do not know about him, but I started fantasizing I am Robinson Crusoe as I had to take the (literally) hot iron and put it inside a mud-hole. He was not of much help. In the very few classes that required a pen, I saw him - often - doing crosswords. In the ones that required a book, he was omnipresent with "First Among Equals". We started talking more. As I recall September, 1993 was the epiphany. As I proudly walked in with the latest Stardust issue - was very hard to get if you remember what was on the cover BTW - he lost no time in grabbing it. I saw a faint glimmer of appreciation, heartfelt, in his eyes. I liked him. I was about to mention about her sister, the one who was on cover - trying to aim at a juicy conversation. He gave me a sterner look and just mumbled the words "Mithila?". At that point, if Prantik - despite his very unpopular SFI "background - asked for my vote, I would have given it. He was right. Damn right.

Months passed by. Years too. When a senior professor suddenly died and classes were called off, a big group went to watch "Four Weddings and a Funeral". Mainly pushed by him, some of us watched a few Spielberg movies in New Empire. Films were his passion - even my type of films. We spent hours talking about "Tehelka", even about "Vansh" that we both agreed was a masterpiece. I was so proud that someone who reads about Satyajit Ray in English would also read his "Ebaro Baro". The same person who would push for "Citizen Kane" in our newly formed "Film Club" would not mind when I tell him how much I enjoyed "Tilak" the other night. In fact, I too enjoyed the screening of "Rashomon". I really liked it. I still remember the day Dipta paid for the Pepsi and did not ask me back for Rs 8. I remember it so well because it happened just twice. I envied his vast collection of books - even some Bengali ones. However, I do think no one could beat me there. On one summer I was so out of bengali reading material, I finished thirteen volumes of "Bharater Sadhok" (The Saints of India). He did never smoke, most of rest of us did. He almost rarely drank, most of rest of us reveled in that. He was the Vinod Khanna of quizzing circuit. People did not know he was the best because he did not want them to. His academics did not improve much, mine deteriorated a lot. But I took great pleasure when, once, he asked me something about "Fluid Mechanics". I felt so proud someone asked me something "technical", I tried re-branding myself as a "Fluid Expert" and starting to break ongoing conversations about how I think it will be really tough to crack "Fluid 2". He was never much into dramatics and when we went together for the Viva, he was extremely conservative and not very forthcoming. Since he was not, and he was very sincere, he could speak three entirely disjointed and irrelevant sentences together as answer and still would somehow give a 7/10 performance. My theatrics could either earn me an "Alpha Double Plus" (rare, actually just once) or a plain "You disappoint me. Your father tries to stop crime, and you do crime" (frequent). Sadly, that blurb reminded him of Shakti, I could tell it from his eyes he was watching me run through a runway.

As we broke into our final year, something I was not much expecting to, I decided that I was cut made for MBA. He was scoring the prep tests like Greame Smith scored in counties. It was unbelievable. I tried to focus on the "strategic preparation" part and tried to chip in with theories like - in CAT, they may print a 4 page long "Reading Comprehension" passage. As you go through it reading fast and finish it, you may see there is no question asked on it. My proudest moment in JU came in form of only two of us making the final round of HCL (Marketing) interview. I mostly copied from his analyticals for the elimination round however. As he came back from TELCO interview somewhat glum, we watched "Showgirls" without speaking much. He also could not stop talking about the book he read on the way back in train.

We spoke everyday morning over phone *before* we got to college. Usually, I will tune down "Chitralok" (a program another of our friend loves) and talk about the things that we would talk later in the day and on. These days, one of the first things I do is check his blog in the morning. I do not really miss our conversation all that much. He mostly keeps writing about it, even after so many years.

Keep writing, my friend.

The Parent Trap

2008-08-12T05:51:00.000-07:00

Behold. I now know why India is not a proportionate sporting nation. It is not lack of infrastructure, it is not over-abundance of Cricket, neither it is our very average physical traits. The reason we suck - sports for us is a warm-fuzzy-cuddly-forcefully emotive thing like a Sukhen Das movie. Sports for us is not a cold Gladiator fighting for his life in Arena. Sports for us is all about our parents - players', spectators' and even commentators'. And then, if lucky, the obligatory congratulatory call from usually ailing President of India.

As much truly delighted as I am after Abhinav Bindra's success, it was genuinely funny to see NDTV qoute his parents - within half-an-hour of him winning - "it was not easy at all". Anandabazar Patrika had a quarter-page article titled "Maa Perechi" (Mom, I did it). Apparently, Bindra called from Beijing and uttered just those two words or five, depending on whether he was speaking Bengali or Jaath dialect. Just that, and not complaining or being asked about the heat, humidity, food issues or even a request to buy some quality China-made umbrellas for home. According to Sapan Sarkar, who apparently reported this from Chandigarh, the Bindras are throwing such a great party that "nimeshe uDe jachhe kg kg laddu-r baxo". That is one thing, I hope, Jr Bindra is not allowed to have. Magically enough, Anandabazar not only knew details of last three phone calls between Bindra and his folks, it somehow published the content in a unique Bong-Hindi transcript.

I do not know who to trust. According to rediff, a tearful Babli Bindra had actually sent a SMS to her son.

Newschannels were too busy to offer a slot to interview of the obligatory "childhood coach". I remembered Deshpran Azad and hoped I would not have to listen to another pathetic story about Bindra's tremendous lactose tolerance level. Even Bindra's sister, last I checked, was too busy teaching everyone the difference between "trap" and "10m air rifle".

Dhoni's brother-in-law, Goni's (step?) mom, Sourav's wife (wifely hinted how Dada could still accept captaincy, only selectors ignored it) - we have managed to make serious sports an evening episode of "Humlog". As I was reading, also in Anandabazar, how Milkha Singh thinks Bindra "merely picked up the Gold that had fallen from his hand" - I was reminded of avuncular Dadamoni coming after the episode and making sure we are fine. Except, Milkha's was more like Johny Lever mimicking Dadamoni from behind a cardboard cut TV shaped box in Jalwa.

To do an objective comparison, I did some research on how Michael Phelps' parents would be feeling. I found the two divorced in 1994, perhaps saving at least one of them cost of "kgs and kgs of Laddu".

Some other tertiary observations -

(1) I genuinely like Abhinav Bindra. The fact that he did not cry. The fact that he very calmly explained how a combination of many momentary factors could swing one's rank from 1 to 20 in a fraction of second in 10-m air rifle. Make no mistake, he is my hero.

(2) Big B, Amir already "hailed" Bindra's feat. Who will Shahrukh choose? Rathore already crashed out of the competition.

(3) Even though I am a huge fan of tabloid journalism, I was not highly amused at the following suggestive photo followed by an equally suggestive Anandabazar title. "Map paalte dichhe Abhinabo Khela". That bong phrase loosely translates to "International Khiladi No 1". She is his coach for God's sake!

I was smirking. Indian media is one sensationalizer.

But then I checked out CNN.

"Bush hugs bikini-clad US Olympians"

Ten Things I learnt from Jodhaa-Akbar

2008-02-18T17:57:00.001-08:00

(1) "Arranged" marriages eventually work out to be just fine. It just takes an awful long time to consummate, however.

(2) If your name is Hemu, you should at least always sport plastic sunglasses.

(3) If your name is Hemu, and you have over 100 (literally) decorated elephants, and you are fighting for your life- you send 99 of them to another direction. Then you head along to the thick segment of the opponent army alone.

(4) Surendra Paul is alive!!! He still does noncommittally bombastic characters like Dronacharya.

(5) If you have an orphaned nephew with attitude, think twice before helping him.

(6) A Hindu wife does not utter her husband's name, unless she is married to a Muslim.

(7) Poonam Sinha is a huge vacuum with a smile, the shape and form of which do not change irrespective of whether her on-screen son was just hit by a poisonous arrow or her daughter-in-law steps into her home the very first time.

(8) Even though the newly wed Princess was given what surely would have been the largest suite one could have seen, every single word of her prayer could still be heard by just about everyone in the (technically) far-off royal court for commons (Diwan-e-Aam). Perhaps another reason the marriage was not consummated sooner.

(9) If you had a fight with your wife, and she heads for her parents', and once you are there she clearly does not want to see your body hair --- the first thing you should do in the morning after waking up is to invite her to a sword fight.

(10) This is the first-time after "Joshilaay" Rajesh Vivek rode a horse.

Ten Years I am Living Next Door - Part 5

2008-02-14T15:19:00.000-08:00

The Sins

"You are never drunk enough till you stop realizing that what is coming out of your bladder is not only drowning thousands of little annoying black ants around Olypub urinals, but could make a few of them intoxicated too."

-Late 80's Calcutta Proverb

My grandmother, the best ever omelette maker in the universe, passed away at a time Shakti Samata, the then Censor board chairman was busy reviewing various Karishma Kapoor gyrations and we were being introduced to Gyroscopes - the Guttenberg Bible for Mechanical Engineers - at college. It was Summer, 1994. Even the last Kiran More-from-behind-the-wicket-shout "RaaaajoooooooooWwww" was heard more than four months ago. Life was like an 'Only Vimal' shirt sticking to the itchy skin within a crowded mini-bus - one could just feel it without too much optimism or joy. Narsimha Rao's speeches in parliament were shorter than Dilip Kumar's grunts in "Yehudi" and were less appealing than a waxed trio of Chunkey Pandey-Naseeruddin Shah-Aditya Pancholi cavorting as teenage chicks in "Tehelka". Even "Fantasy" magazine - the one that promised to ram hard into "Debonair" heights and whose old copies typically sold for more than the printed price because an entire generation was trying to figure out how a nubile Delhi 'lawyer' could look without, say, her robes -was losing its sheen. So I accompanied my family to a road trip to my grandmom's place for her funeral. I had to come back soon, though. I had an all important class test on Maths 2J. My parents and brother stayed back for about a week more.

Preparation

Back to Calcutta, my first action was to rush to JU. Between the time I set foot and another samosa was sold from Nathuda's canteen, everyone around knew I was "home alone". More importantly, my parents left me with a good sum of money to last a week. Details escape me today, but the next day -- May 10, 1994 - was declared a "Chao" (from chaos) day at my place. Rumors have it that cyclostyled handbills were distributed at two of the three university gates telling people about the occasion. It was unanimously decided that booze will be purchased the very same day - 2 big bottles (known as "750" for their volume) of every type of spirits - and brands thereof - containing more than 42% alcohol.

However, it was also discovered that my mother had locked the VCR inside before leaving. Having a functional VCR on such a home alone day is as essential as watching sunrise from Tiger Hill on your first Darjeeling visit, and I was almost lynched by a rough crowd as I breached the unavailability of a cubical aluminum box that can rotate tapes that are as wide as Silk Smita's love handles. As someone had said, if life was a VCR, Dimple Kapadia would have had only one frame at it - the one where Juhu breeze would prove to be a too worthy competitor to a "Bombay Dying" towel.

There comes a character in every generation that - like Ghonada -goes unsung, but changes the lives and times of everyone around him. He was the one Wright brothers looked to when the plane was ready but perhaps a permit was needed to not keep both feet on the ground. He would be the one who -- seeing Hrithik has six fingers -- ask him not to ever accelerate too fast on a motorcycle. He could be the one who wrote a letter to Archimedes that had the word 'Eureka' seven times in it before the bald guy found he could float on a bathtub. So, I turned to Sudhha to resolve VCR issue. The way the problem was solved would put the biggest jail breaks to shame! He would simply lift their VCR from his home when his father is not there, wrap it in a towel, put a couple of thick, old pujabarshikis where the VCR were till then, cover it with another towel, take a taxi and deliver it to me. Suddha, like all true visionaries, however has a bit of problem understanding the context of mundane everyday things.

On May 10 morning - when many people were slowly entering for classes - thus a yellow taxi screeched to stop in front of Mechanical engineering building. A tall, unshaven and unknown youth carrying a cubical thing wrapped in yellow bath-towel (still somewhat wet!) surreptitiously came out. Paid the fare to the cabbie. Carefully flipped a zippo lighter and lit a 555 and started ascending the four stories. I was in my first class of the day, and was waiting for it to get over so I could go home and collect the VCR. Suddenly, there was a loud knock on the door. Without waiting for any reply whatsoever from inside, Suddha's stubbly face peeked in and - in front of the teacher and about fifty odd people inside, and some curious onlookers outside - boomed- "VCR enechi" (Got the VCR). It was, perhaps, just a wee bit less declarative than Rembrant's "Moses with the Tablets". But then the tablets were not exactly wrapped in some smelly bath towels either!

Gupta, Dasgupta

Jadavpur P.S. was also Jadavpur B.S. (bus stop). It is the pinnacle of secularism, as Prince Anwar Shah Road starts off at a right angle to a Raja S.C.Mullick Road. As one walks away from the thana, towards North, on the left side - after a few yards - would be a certain shop named "Dasgupta". Like other liquor shops in Calcutta, a cast iron grill over quite tall reinforced concrete pillar separated the substance from the abusers. Still, one had to step up couple of stairs, and stretch the legs a bit, just to get over to the lower part of the grill to order. Once ordered, the helper inside would fetch the bottle, wrap it with the seventh page of a month old "The Statesman", open a drawer that the buyer could not see from the other side of the grill, take out a pitch black plastic bag, put the bottle inside the bag and with a swift but accurate motion would get the bottle out through one of the two holes on the grill used to exchange money and soon to be Puke. Apparently, the idea behind the newspaper and black plastic was to hide the fact that even people wearing trousers could belittle themselves to fetch their alcohol. Problem was - no other substance in at least a 52 mile radius ever was packed in that kind of black plastic bag. In fact, I guess the black plastic bags too were manufactured by Shaw Wallace etc.

Our shopping list was something like -

(unit in 750s - large bottles) -

2 Vodkas -Smirnoff had just arrived.
2 Gin - London Lime was popular.
8 or 9 Beer

(unit in 375s - small bottles) -

2 Whiskeys - A particular brand used to give "free" drinking glasses. That was the motivation.
4 rums -

The shopper - a non-local - was explicitly told before taking off from my home to only go and buy things like Kurkure etc if and only if all these can be purchased first. We were not sure how many will eventually turn up, but there were about nine people to start with. My neighbors - who knew very well my parents were away - must have been thinking we have a tough exam ahead to see so many of us quietly slipping into my place at a ripe 2PM.

Another friend, let's call him AD, was sent to scour for a certain video cassette starting from Four Star Video (nested well inside Jodhpur Park) to Gupta Video (Golpark, just below the gaze of a charged Swami Vivekananda). Someone brought the news that "top Pakistani stars" did something very, very interesting in some super-clandestine party in London and the video was a raze in places like Dubai. The premise was promising, but the problem was the title of the video. We heard it was "code named", perhaps to avoid customs and crazy cops as it was smuggled within the country, "NUDE MUJRAS IN LONDON"!!

Now, those of you who never have been around Golpark around 3PM-ish would never know what a strong crowd of school or "South Point" returned kids and their moms get back to their homes at that hour. Also, a very sizable portion of that crowd often enters "Mouchak" and caters themselves to sweet relishes and sometimes picks up likes of "Bambi", "Lion King" or even "Gupi Gyne, Bagha Byne" from "Gupta Video" for the evening. When AD was met with blank stares at the whispering mention of the video title at "Four Star Video", he got on to an Auto rickshaw and went to Golpark. Once inside "Gupta Video", he realized the ratio between kids and adults in the shop would have been exactly ONE, had it not been for himself and the two mustached, spectacled, stony faced owners.

Most of the kids, just like in any other days, were apparently with their moms or grand parents. When it was AD's turn to ask for what he wants, he took his face down and mumbled something. The elder brother of the owners did not even bat an eyelid. He asked - in a super normal tone - "What is the name again"? AD perhaps tried a different tone and it did not work. The other guy on that side of the counter now got a bit impatient seeing so many kids are waiting in queue. He asked -- from quite a distance -- "Kon boita chai dada?" (What movie it was again?). AD, already feeling an enormous time pressure, blurted - with enough velocity and pitch in his baritone to carry the words across the room to the other guy - "N.U.D.E. MUJRAS IN LONDON". Legend has it while there was a pin-drop silence in the room as the mothers and grandparents tried to either hide or rush away from the shop, the counter guy coolly told his brother "Shelf 12, number 3". AD was then asked his name - so they could enter the VHS in the register. AD was carrying my membership card. He magnanimously retained the same decibel level to say MY name! From that day, I never ever went to Golpark with anything that could distinguish me.

Celebrations XXX

Get no hint, please. That is the name of a good rum brand.

Back in my place, there was a shortage of glasses. Someone suggested Sudhha be given a baalti (bucket) to drink from. He was hurt and did not drink at all and left soon. Since I was the host, I decided to drink straight from a long bottle of Vodka. Drinking sessions were going on in three rooms. The living room, by then, had the VCR running. The first bedroom had one future award winning scientist dishing out one romantic song after another gazal. The second bedroom had a couple of folks generally chatting easily with drinks and smoking. Every room had at least 4-5 people, except the room with the VCR where people lost all counts. After a while, I stopped trying to figure out if I knew this guy at all or he was just a party crasher. ST was sitting about an inch away from our ONIDA tv blocking the exit from the room. As SG, after a bit of drinking, tried to exit to the bathroom -- ST attacked SG. ST demanded "do whatever you want to do HERE"!! I was by the middle of the Vodka and already got so bored to leave that and start the Whiskey's or may be the Rum's - don't remember.

After a while I woke up in absolute silence. Oh sorry - there was the so-called "Pakistani Stars" moaning next room. I was in one of the bedrooms, royally spread over the entire bed as a whole bunch of onlookers were - very anxiously - staring at me from near the door. I pulled myself up and started throwing up on the left side of the bed. By the time I stopped the moaning did too.

Next time I woke up I saw less people in the room. But they were busy cleaning up the left side with one holding a bucket, another a broom and another trying to figure out where else to remove stain from. I did not want to waste their effort. This time I threw up on the right side. Just before passing out I heard some loud knocks on our door.

What happened then defined a big part of how I would be known among my relatives. I of course heard and pieced it together as it happened. Hearing the knocks our would-be scientist peeped through the hole and saw a bunch of my relatives standing outside the main door. He was after 4th or 5th shot of Rum, and for some reason considered him to be in "control". Coming back to the living room - very next to the main door - he whispered to everyone watching the "movie" - to go and hide in the far most bedroom. My relatives standing outside were hearing feeble moans that turned into thuds of about fifteen or so people trying to scuttle away on concrete floor - some of them falling on various furniture in the ensuing melle. My relatives, concerned, knocked again. My scientist friend opened the door ajar and just took out his face, that smelt VERY strongly of cheap rum, to announce that I was feeling ill and cannot see them right then. My relatives came to see if I was doing OK without my parents. After all they heard from outside and after being told by a fluffy, drunken, unknown face from inside *my* house that I am not well, they somehow did not insist to see me anymore. They left. One of them did not even show up for my wedding more than a decade later.

When I gained consciousness hours later, except a bit of stuffy smell I could not tell if anything happened in the house. With my true friends over zealousness, even the old dishes waiting to be cleaned were clean. Someone apparently was more drunk than I was! I still had over two hundred rupees left. I still had four more days. And I had to think, fast, of a good spin for the entire event that day for folks at college, my relatives, my neighbors and for my father's friend who actually saw a guy exiting from our place with many empty liquor bottles and dumping it in the trash area! Feeling the tremendous pressure and hating everything that was happening to my body, I passed out again.

Monkey Business : New Shocking Revelation!

2008-01-07T15:56:00.000-08:00

Jean Cocteau once reportedly said "Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images". Looking at the homogeneity with which global media - print, electronic, independent - represent any event today, thereby often masking the 'truth', Cocteau would have replaced 'mirrors' with 'media' had he been alive.

As every other report harps on the ban on Harbhajan Singh, none of them so far has tried to understand "why". Andrew Symonds, a guy who usually does not remember what time he returns home at night, noticed Harbhajan "hit Brett Lee on the backside", Symonds thought 'Hold on, that's not on' and "had a bit of a crack at Harbhajan, telling him exactly what I thought of his antics". Readers, for a moment think of this in a non-cricketing context. Who are the persons, if hit on the backside by strangers, would infuriate you so much? Usually, for a guy at least, it would happen if such things take place with his spouse / domestic partner. We have not forgotten how raged McGrath was as Sarwan just mentioned his wife in reply to a perfectly sportsmanlike (because it did, after all, came from an Aussie) banter from Glenn (so lovingly described by Pup here). Aussies are sensitive about such things. Come on, Brett is a handsome bloke and the operating word, from Symonds, was "crack"!

On further research it does look like Brett Lee and Andrew Symonds do share very deep bond that could not be allowed to strain by a pagan Sardar's assault at Lee's derriere. Gasbelly unravels the hitherto untold saga of yet another story of the beauty and the beast. Remember you heard it first at Gasbelly!

Our lad Andrew, originally, did chase white, blondes wearing variable length skirts -

His hatred for anything non-white manifests in his columns (that rival the genius of Sir Naipaul by using phrases like "fair dinkum"). In one, he writes - "Can you imagine Australia in its darkest days wanting to recruit a few West Indians". Last I checked, both Cricinfo and Wikipedia start Symonds' profile with "Andrew Symonds (born 9 June 1975, Birmingham, England)^[1] is an Australian cricketer of West Indian and English heritage."

However, a very recent research -- I am NOT making this up -- proves that even male monkeys pay for sex with females. I am not insinuating anything, but another factoid is - Andrew Symonds did not really win a million-dollar IPL or ICL deal from India. And, the females with as much quality as above, are pretty darn expensive even by human standards. By deductive reasoning, thus Symonds had to look in a different pasture for a mate.

Thus began the warming up of a pair with subtle humor and cozy smalltalk in a relative calm of a dressing room as Punter went on to score tons after tons in the tests Harbhajan was not bowling at him. Each was warming up to the other.

Thus, a friend become a person close to 'heart'. Both were inseparable very soon.

They started understanding the others feelings and one now could even close another's sentence.

"Oh,my God. I am so, like, hot.."

As the time to take the relationship to the 'next level' arrived, they tried various positions - on and off- field. Sometimes, even Lee taking care of the Alpha Male from the back.

Sometimes Andrew helped Bret to bend and held him there for eternity.

In true love, they say, nothing is more satisfying than to reach out to your lover at both happiness and longing. It is indeed comforting to hug one's spouse after a hard day at work

The Simian-ds even sprayed all his vigor of youth on Lee .

The Brat, on the other hand, took care of the head of household's grooming. Anniversary gift was a hair cutting tool set, after all!

It was running all too well till a deviant Sardar heaved his bat and hit 'down under'. There was a dark cloud covering that 'crack' Simian-ds so coveted for. I do not blame him. Look at the happy couple. Revenge had to be exacted. No? On an entirely unrelated note, may be, monkeys do show quite a bit of jealousy when their mates are approached (video link).

As the saying goes- "If malice or envy were tangible and had a shape, it would be the shape of a boomerang". It is not racism, folks. It is plain envy and malice. Most of Indian cricketers are richer than Symonds. Plain and simple. Even Symonds probably knows which country boomerang came from!

Ten Years I am Living Next Door - Part 4

2007-12-31T04:12:00.000-08:00

Language

In Bengali, all 'F' words that matter start with 'B'.

The transitive factor between comedy and tragedy, when one could masturbate and yet below 21, is solely the awareness of whether he is talking to a friend of same sex or someone he is trying to chase. Most Engineering male students have an indescribable urge to prove themselves cool perverts who could drink to the end of the world. I have been in hostel and the bit about guys always compare their you-know-what's size with roommates and in shower room is the biggest urban legend! Only two things could earn your real admiration for another fellow dude -

more foulmouth than the thinnest guy in the classroom. Somehow thin people, at least the ones I met in my life, are amazingly resourceful with cuss words. Hell, thin people can do cross words of cuss words at New York Times for 10 years without repeating themselves!
the amount of shit crazy stuff one did after drinking without throwing up. Not making this up - I've seen a guy taking out a nip of Rum somewhere from his jeans and gulping a sizable volume. If you need a cue, he was playing carom inside the Union room and was hitting for a red.

Bengali equivalent of 'f#$k' is a certain 5 lettered word that starts with B. Most of us used it in all sentences - sometimes both to start and end it. There were folks whose whole range of expression -- from extreme shock to exhilarating joy (usually at exam getting postponed) -- would be just a single, distinct utterance of the word with - may be - some facial muscle movement.

"B&*^a, birthday naki" (with a thud in the back. In case you were wearing a shirt that you had not worn the day before.)

It was used to convey best wishes.

"B&^%a....."

It was used to appreciate at a good banter. Or a good shot at Cricket. Or to a friend who suddenly offered to pay for the 'Pepsi'.

"B&^%a, na korlei hoto"

It was also used to express fear and very distant, almost unbelievable remorse, after the exam hall invigilator caught the carefully prepared 'Harmonium' - a thin paper with useful things written the night before exam and having more than 18 folds that resembles a part of the isotopic musical instrument. Harmonium was JU's (one) inconvenient truth. With less papers used, it surely played a big part to reduce global warming.

Our classmate Venkatraman apparently had to prove his Bengali skills. Dipta, his neighbor, vows to have seen him mugging "Learn Tamil in 21 days" more than once. Aside, his adjectives seemed to have been inherited directly from Bankimchandra, but other parts of speech from Gariahat. Thus after getting a rare 39 out of 45, in mid 90s, he would say to me -

"Ki protaap er sathe pass korli re".

In another occassion, when Venkat's mother was saying something to him in Tamil, our friend Dipta was looking at Venkat's mom's feet. Hoping there would be a sub-title flowing. But after "Roja" and more P.K.Mishra 'translated' Hindi lyrics from Tamil, I knew it too well to replace any unintelligible Dravidian word with gems like "chinimini", "machindar" etc.

Every college has its brand words. B.E. College had a couple. "Cas" (for casual) and "daabi". So when I met them, usually to devour the cheapest beef on the other side of Hoogly river, I would liberally intersperse the conversation with those two words. Misguided that those two words have seeped into the JU territory they would even pay for my beef, special smoke and McDowells. "Daabi" has very interesting usage. If someone's girlfriend wants more time - it is - of course - onek daabi ache; sudden load shedding - 'daabi ta ki?' etc etc. Cas is pretty much same as cool, only tilting to the other side of legality. Like "Metro te ticket na kete cas dhuke porlam".

"Byatha" was another word that transcended the college boundaries. You might have been in Presi(dency), JU or R Ahmed Dental college -- but "byatha" (pain) meant a (often serious) crush, that perhaps was tangentially broached upon but met with a super-negative reaction from the girl. While watching Satya, I chanced upon a similar word - equally powerful in Marathi -- "Chaavi".

Once this habit of trying to adapt the latest college lingo almost put me into serious trouble. Dipta and I were coming down from the Nandan - upper level after watching Buddhadeb Dasgupta's "Uttara". Honestly, I found the imagery of a very Bengali-urbane-plump Tapas Pal playing a hindustani wrestler extremely funny. Still, I referred to the film as "biBhotsho" while talking to Dipta. Literally meaning more negative, the word could be colloquially used in both extreme senses - good or bad. At least so I thought. A very serious looking, spectacled, bearded, punjabi wearing folk -- who never ever farted outside Nandan-Academy quad -- charged at me. How dare I brand something from Dasgupta as "bibhotsHo". The irony is, I too was not sure whether he liked the movie or not! So I vaguely tried to defend myself. In front of scores of people about to line up at the Sulabh urinals, he lambasted me for wearing "jeans and sneakers" and yet try to fathom the depths of the mind of a bi-sexual, middle-aged railway signalman who perhaps wanted a threesome with his wife and his wrestling buddy.

I wanted to scream I too was a founder member of a "Film Club" and before some member impulsively rented "Nude Mujras in London" (a whole other story) for one screening we had been religiously watching flicks like "Citizen Kane", "King and I" (Yul Bryner) and likes of it.

Next - Vices

World's Greatest TV Show is Online

2007-12-24T20:25:00.000-08:00

Enjoy --

Pop-Up Video

Best wishes for the New Year.

Diwali Bumper Draw

2007-11-09T19:06:00.000-08:00

I think Rohan Gavaskar, Abhishek Bachchan, Martin Luther King Jr II, Soha Ali Khan -- all had to endure it. No late cut from Gavaskar Jr could ever escape a comparison with his dad's. Abhishek's lack of dancing skills was always carefully analyzed with his dad's. Martin Luther King Jr II was surely asked whether he had a nice dream or nightmare the night before. Neighbors might even had watched Ishmael to see whether he, like his dad, would sacrifice his son too. A famous parent's offspring not only has to go through the comparison and the judgment, but also through expectations to emulate some of his / her parent's defining characteristics.

Thus, the first time I saw "Sawaariya" promo, the question I could not utter in front of a roomful viewers was not only whether Sonam Kapoor too is as hairy as her dad, but also - whether Ranbir Kapoor - just in case - has manboobs so big that there is no way he could zip of a leather jacket all the way up to his neck!

As I watched them in promo after promo, and in TV show after TV show, those two questions lingered in my mind like the thought of the great leftover food at your friend's place that you were offered to take home, but refused. Being brought up in a Bengali family that spends 13% of its lifetime in analyzing whether a newborn -- all crinkled, wrinkled - even on skull -- looks like his / her father or mother -- I also could not escape the thought that even if Neetu Kapoor had actually married Haji Mastan, Ranbir Kapoor could not have looked any different. He is a Neetu Singh that, against the wishes of the guy population this time, has exposed his derrière.

I will not watch Saawariya. I guess no one will. One last observation from having to watch so many promos - time has been really kind to Neetu Singh. In fact, what is going on with all the 70s actors? Jeetendra again started looking 37 years younger than he really is, Hema Malini has started corrupting dreams of an entirely different generation. Neetu Singh - let the comment be reserved for my close friends. Looks like 70s is suddenly back.

So OSO has a natural edge over the Kapoors.

Except, Shahrukh has started looking like Michael Jackson day by day. And that's so 80s. 80s with Robot Dance. 80s with wet Smita Patil, 80s with Bappida. I had a glimpse of what's been touted as a "six pack" at my local video store. To me that's a UNICEF or PETA looking poster. It looked like Madam Tussaud museum had a power breakdown on an unusually warm day in London, and its started affecting the statue.

Making a spoof is much more difficult than making a serious movie. Just like a circus clown has to do all the regular trapeze acts *and* make people laugh, a good spoof should do everything a good movie otherwise does, and yet make fun of everything it's doing. Tough. But I do know that Farah Khan did get some inputs from her brother.

On ending notes, no one has started judging Deepika Padukone. Badminton was a sport invented to help pregnant lady exercise - and as a vehicle of one of the most prominent songs filmed in history so lovingly described here. So not many know about Prakash, except the fact that he was almost as coveted as Imran Khan down south by the ladies.

My wife interrupted one of my most important meetings this week to let me know that Ranbir Kapoor apparently still gets a "pocket money" from his parents. My reaction to that was "Someone's luck is not changing. He has to continue to thrive on pocket money even after "Sawaariya"". Last month, she called in during my one-on-one with my director to pass on the critically important information that Farah Khan is pregnant with a triplet. I could not say it in front of my director, as he asked me "Is everything OK?" after I picked up the phone and did look surprised at this gem of info. But I did wish the triplets will be named Amar-Akbar-Anthony or Ganga-Jamuna-Saraswati as the case mandates.

Happy Diwali folks. Drink responsibly.

Ten Years I am Living Next Door - Part 3

2007-10-26T21:49:00.000-07:00

The Teachers

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and your profession as fisherman is at high risk!

- Old Jungle Proverb

Once P K Banerjee came to our school's annual sports as the 'Chief Guest'. I was thirteen years old. After two long days of watching people who are bigger than me winning, we all attended the prize distribution ceremony. PK started his Chief Guest speech around 3:30. After two decades, I remember Platini was not just a footballer, he was Napoleon - his free kick was not just a kick at a ball but a try to salvage the pride of a hurt nation by taking its bravest people across an icy Alps during harsh winter. Lothar Mattheus was no less than representing Goethe, and Charlemagne too. There was a reference to Carpathian Mountains, as PK raised his hands to give us an idea of the heights of the range, and then to brush away beads of sweat from his unusually large forehead. I don't anymore remember why - but the hardships in the lives of Mongolian nomad; Mesozoic era formations; Altamira cave; Wright Brothers' first flight and the actual yardage it flew before crashing -- all were mentioned. After he finished, sun was well set. My blood was boiling - it was as if someone has put some Codeine in a very strong brew of fresh coffee and made a squirrel drink it. I did not know what, but as he finished all I wanted to go out and fight someone. I did not care why, I did not care who, I did not even care how. But I had to take all these energy away from my little synaptic joints as soon as I could. For next 2 minutes and half, I could even have taken Daley Thompson (whose breakfast menu -- and severe childhood struggle -- too was elaborately described by PK) in Decathlon.

But about three minutes after he finished, I felt dizzy and extremely weak, and a bit nauseous too. All that free adrenaline in my system - without finding any vent, and the fact that I had just an Orange, shared with 3 others, in the last 6 hours, made me almost sick. It was very hallucinogenic however. From that day till now, I carefully 'mute' the TV set as soon as PK shows up to analyze a football match -- and I try my best to avoid people who are otherwise known as good teachers.

If you are a hiring manager, and want to hire someone who can do "out of the box thinking" - just try to find out how many classes did he/she attend in his first year of Engineering. The lesser, the better. On the other hand, if you are running a perfectly running business and don't want to risk it -- get someone who not only attended all, but took copious notes even in tangential subjects like "Sociology".

When we were in second year though, and this is why I started off with PK, we had a teacher who shared the same initials with him. Even the loquaciousness was very comparable. For example, when he regularly showed up at least 2 hours late in those 4 hour long "Engineering Drawing" classes, he used to launch a tirade against our lazy ideas and lack of initiative as we were just waiting for him and did not "design" something in that free thinking time we had. Soon the talk will peep into the design "vault" of Maruti and how - like Coca Cola - formula, earth shattering designs for components like Maruti cam shafts and an industry unusual 3/32" bolts were kept secret from nosy competitors. Venkat, a gawky fellow like most of us those days, would get his face so far away from his neck hearing these and other conspiracy and Engineering espionage stories, we were scared that Prabhu Deva may soon come there and kick his only serious competitor's ass!

There was another teacher, one of the very few who used to wear a belt *and* tuck his shirts inside *and* shave regularly, who once tried to demonstrate the "welding" process.

"And as you start welding, you will hear ...a long gap to try to find the English equivalent of the sound ...phot phot phot".

The same teacher had an unusual tactic in Viva. He would get two of the students to appear at the same time and let one student ask another question. The question should not be easy (then the questioner loses points), but if it cannot be replied the answerer loses. Diptakirti and I were roll-joined twins. His was 93094 and mine was 93093. So, I had to ask Dipta a question on Metallography. One of the subjects I doubt he knew existed the day before!

No matter how good a friend he were, there were serious numbers at stake. Numbers that could make the huge difference between a D and a C at the end of the semester. But I could not have offended him either - he won't lend me his mother's collection of bound early 70's volumes of Stardust (till then only promised, not delivered) in that case! So I asked him "What are the axes defining Carbon Steel's strength on a two-dimensional Carbon-Temperature plane?"

He could answer. Plus cool phrases like "Carbon Steel", "axes", "two dimensional plane" were mentioned in front of this Anglophile at large - and I too got "Alpha Double Plus"!

I never understood why, but teachers' initials would always be Bangla-fied, i.e., the teacher would get the name as the Bengali word when the initials are pronounced together. Thus, GD would be "gada", MM would be "mama" , and TKS would be a kiddish "tokas". The one known as "konchee" (a thin stick) was an amazing example how even such a random stuff could often produce something so topically relevant! He was rumored to have amazing depth of knowledge, but we were not sure he could carry his umbrella. As it always happens with people whom you need to inflate 30 inches, at least, in every dimension to walk on the ramp -- he was amazingly brave, risk-taking and full of positive attitudes. Not a single student had the audacity of asking him to clarify something again.

There were non-departmental teachers in the first couple of years - trying to put sense to us on subjects as important as English, 3 papers of Physics, 5 of Maths, Electronics, Electrical, Sociology and Economics too! People were least bothered with "Fluid Mechanics" taught by 'baba' (whose son was our senior, incidentally) , so one can easily imagine the fate of these peripheral subjects.

However, one of the Maths papers was taught by an exchange professor (Indian) who used to teach in some US Engineering College. She once casually told her daughter was 16. That's it - not a word more, not a word less. Hearing that bit only, one guy - cannot name, currently married with kids - not only started attending her classes, but started seating in the front bench, take notes, ask stupid interrupting questions hoping one of it would impress her, and even asking her for as ridiculous advice as what book to 'consult' apart from the - he mentioned the 3 books he could find in departmental library in a hurried search! He was in deep love with the Maths Madam's 16 year old daughter. His first one.

The same guy, was a literal genius of copying in exams (a deservedly separate topic) and in one occasion actually shaved just one of his legs - all the way down from the right knee - so as to transcribe some formula and stuff on his shaved n' Borolene-d skin. He later clarified it was not that he did not have time to shave both the legs, but he just did not have enough material to copy on.

One teacher, however, we all loved and faux-feared at the same time. He remembered the roll numbers, class test results, and other important details like what brand of Cigarette one smoked for all students for the past 13 years he had been teaching there! He also was a genuinely nice person who always liked his students *but* never showed any of it. Each of his classes would start and possibly end with dire threats like "In this Semester, Executive Council has asked us to take real test of your grasp of Machine Design. Last time we did it 73 people flunked and they never ever got any job anywhere. Everyone from L&T to Sriram Motors had a list, and these guys would never get a job in their life"....The only hope, of course, was to attend his classes and take notes.

There were even more ridiculous threats from him, like "next class test will be a spot, undeclared test". Yeah, right. Last we knew, we got class tests postponed that were scheduled months ahead for reasons as strong as it's too warm outside, someone's bus was running late, the building's fuse has just failed, there were two other class tests that day that we need time to postpone and so cannot really take this test.

If there was one single cause in my life that I unequivocally supported over a reasonable period of time, it is - efficiency is more important than conforming to discipline. The second one was, postponing a class test is ALWAYS worth it.

Another teacher once visited Canada to attend some technical conference and evidently was quite proud of it. One of us, when failing to answer even the simplest of the questions in a Viva, randomly brought up the lack of scope of Engineering work in India, compared to, say, Canada. Next 17 people that day all got "A" and were pleasantly surprised!

Another one was rumored to have designed the nose-tip for the INSAT series of Rockets. As always, the nose-tip was the most important design element of the whole package and a Bengali could never stoop down so low to work on the lesser important stuff like the heat insulators bla bla.

Somewhere else, while teaching "Engineering Mechanics" to Electronics' folks, our Head of the Dept was apparently pissed off at the raucous they were trying to make, but failed miserably for lack of man-power. Having witnessed such a sad case of erectile dysfunction, he apparently mouthed some really nasty, choicest Bengali cuss words that every one in the class room could hear. There was a stunned silence in the royal, sophisticated fourth floor classroom of Electronics department hearing all these. Words, and behavior, like these were alien to them. Not to us. When other departments finished the only mandatory "fitting" lab - where one has to build a T-joint with cheap wood pieces, we still had 17 more left where temperatures of burning metals could often exceed 500 degrees. Only other "labs" from rest of the departments had either chemicals or computers with as much RAM as 8MB. The main mechanical lab had, and still do, a Wesson lathe machine - always reverently garlanded on the day of Viswakarma Puja. Try that with your jar of Sulphuric Acid, Chemical!

Every time we meet we also talk about the one who used to carry 9 ball point pents tucked to his pink shirt's pocket. He poked a lot of fun at the "10,000 Rs jobs in AC rooms" and tried ridiculing the idea of things like being able to speak English, or read business section in dailies. Last time I checked, no one among us was drilling lathe.

I personally feel a teacher's duty in the mid-level professional education is to evoke a subtle sense of fear and inculcate correct quantification of real tasks among the students. JU teachers failed at the former, but succeeded with "Alpha Double Plus" with the later. Now I realize those last minute hurriedly copied, but copied well in order to pass, lab sheets and the ability to precisely quantify that a solid stack of 33 pages, no more and no less, of both-sided photocopied notes is all I would have to cover at one night to pass tomorrow's exam - are all the skills from my college that I, or most, need for any job.

Fear is important some bozo could get seriously eff-ed up to try to draw hero worship from his peers. Precisely, and minimally, quantifying the "to do" list -- as much possibly done by others -- required to not fail at something is an absolute and primal skill. That's what pretty much 99% or more would do later to get an above average annual raise and a good bonus. For skeptics, this is nothing new. Most important invention of mankind could very well be the wheel, but the very fact that some wise guy in a cave had encouraged some beefed up stupids to fight Woolly Mammoths and Sabre-toothed Tigers actually made that invention possible. Not failing at anything is way more important than anything else, including getting straight A's throughout. Ask an Engineering student why.

Today, when confronted with tightest deadlines - I always can smile and say "Yeah, fine with me. It will easily be done!". In corporate, ALWAYS somewhere else, someone else is stupid enough to fail before others. One just has to find the weakest link in the chain and position oneself just a tad higher than that. Rest, as they say, is all about how you define the gap between yourself and Mr Weakest Link in the annual review. After the initial positioning, it's all about creating perceptions. Looking back, education at JU was perfectly successful in imparting all these supreme life-lessons. Totally unprepared, as slowly walking to the department building with a hangover *and* an empty stomach, with no money left to buy used copies of"Debonair", all but one of us knew that nothing that we are unprepared for would be done today. We were better than the worst, and in Engineering, as well as in real life, that very valuable position itself is sufficient to live well. That is assuming you write your annual reports with care.

Next - The Language

Ten Years I am Living Next Door - Part 2

2007-10-17T13:16:00.000-07:00

Second Round at The Game

There were three logical entrances to the Engineering Faculty. One was near the station - people who came in train or the ones who would return from 'that' shanty after buying funny things to smoke would enter from here. "8B" entrance - named after, like many other things, a state-run bus terminus opposite - that would take one in next to the slightly deserted Electrical building. Then there was the "middle" entrance - leading straight to the Main Library building and thus, used only during Sanskriti, TechFair or to go out to eat "Jhaal Muri" from the vendor just outside the gate. His Jhaal Muri had best of the breed stuff, but clearly, like most Bengalis, he severely lacked any business sense judging by his location.

Compare him to Rajinder, the phuchkawallah near Dakshinapon, and you will understand why. Rajinder is Calcutta's 3rd richest phuchkawallah. The guy who seats opposite to Hindustan Sweets in New Alipore is the Laxmi Mittal of the phuchkawallahs. I once saw (ok, heard! But from very reliable source) Sourav Ganguly rushing there with two commandos just the evening before his departure to World Cup in South Africa. The third entrance would also be used by folks who lived in Salt Lake. They would eat a thoNga of Jhaal Muri (Rs 4/-), catch the S-19 (that too would only brake in the least popular bus stands) and refuse to pay the regal fare of Rs 2.20/- to Salt Lake.

No one from Salt Lake ever paid full fare to any of the buses. They would shout, grease, protest, threaten, network and sometimes even plead lack of preparation for the day's exam to avoid paying fare. It not only worked, Salt Lake buses were - and are, till date - the best maintained and most punctually running buses in the entire city. The actual rate from Jadavpur to Salt Lake that our students used to pay "cash" to the conductor was about Rs 1, unless there is a class test or interview on the day. In the later cases, our folks would just refuse to talk to the conductor, be engulfed in photocopied class notes and could even shout at him if he comes and asks for the ticket twice. Folklore was, some of those bus conductors and drivers - who would get a hefty commission too - purchased land next to the New Alipore phuchkawalla.

The fourth entrance to the faculty was as revered as the fourth estate. It was the 'arts' gate'. No one would take that route within five days after a haircut. Otherwise, it was a long walk - but very pleasant, if one could time the entrance to the breaks in the first building. We detested the guys who were always there in front of that building - usually with a rundown guitar hidden behind thick pale of Charminar smoke - the same way Sreesanth detests Andrew Symonds these days.

No matter which entrance you choose to come in to Engineering Faculty, the big green ground will welcome you as the strategic center of the hexagonal shaped faculty. Mechanical Engineering real estates defined two arms of the shape! Electrical another - albeit much shorter; two smaller - but heavier in terms of score - departments Electronics and Comp Sc would define another; another arm was Chemical slightly pushed to the side by a "Staff Canteen" and a mysteriously named KMR building. The last arm would have Nathuda's canteen trying to balance between the SFI-dominated Science Club and blink-and-you-could-miss and very cutesy Metallurgy dept. Nathuda was a portly middle-aged man who never said a thing to anyone that did not have a cash word in it.

-How are you Nathuda?
- Good. But Pepsi is dos taka. Be careful with the bottle if you are taking it out.

Nathuda's wife - boudi - was rather friendly, and just as much squint as it requires for teenagers to not be 'too cool' with her. In mid-90s, probably to curb on smoking, Reserve Bank of India was not printing any more 2 rupee bills. Gresham's law postulates how bad money drives good money out of circulation. What he missed was - bad money drives *everything* out. The poor Rs 2 bills mandated we were never lending money to our friends; not paying for anyone else's Thums Up even after his sincerest promise to pay back; we were even trying to buy full beer bottles with a stack of Rs 2. "Black Label" was Rs. 36. Still, the bad currency was probably good business for the waiters at Olypub since every patron was desperate to get rid of it. However, I remember once I left the elderly one with a few Rs 2 bills that even the populace at the nearby Park Street old cemetery would not accept anymore!

So, once someone was paying for the famous G-4 (burger named so in the canteen) with a couple of Rs 2/ notes. Boudi grudged, and gave the bills back saying -

- Eta cholbe na. (This is no good)

Our man, sorry I cannot name him at such a public forum, shot back -

- Boudi, Nathuda chole gelo aar ei du takar note cholbe na!?

This is as untranslatable as Kapil Dev's English- in his pre-Rapidex days, or the lyrics of "Coffee Houser Sei Adda ta aaj aar nei" - so I am not even trying!

Even though we had a somewhat nicely maintained green field, it was mostly enjoyed by satellite groups to gossip and watch other satellite groups sitting nearby. On the side farthest from Mechanical building one could even see some callows to have the audacity to sit with their 'girl friends'. But when the Auction Bridge mania engulfed us - me particularly - in the 2nd year, even those rarities were given a pass by. Like a true Bengali does with any sport, I turned a blind eye to the Skills and Stamina components and just focussed on the "strategy" bit. To a Bengali- any game, including outdoor ones, is always won by just strategy. Stamina, particularly, - like someone running around the entire field to score a goal - is highly looked down upon as a stupid imbecile element. Hey, he can always produce on nifty bicycle kick to score a goal, why waste energy running?

Thus, a few months ago when East Bengal arranged a benefit match for Parimal Dey (Jangla) footballers recounted his great days by regaling how Jangla-da used to recite Rabindranath just before the Santosh Trophy matches. No one mentioned a word about his training schedules - assuming he had one. However, Subhash Bhowmick mentioned how once Jangla-da replaced someone just a couple of minutes before the final whistle and produced a stunning equalizer against Iran's top club. The very fact that he had not originally taken the field for some stupid ego reason -feigning injury- was conveniently forgotten. We Bengalis do not necessarily look at a sport bi-focally - thus Gopal Bose has remained the opener Bombay lobby could not have afforded to let in lest Gavaskar had to carry drinks. Snehasis Ganguly had always had much more talent than his younger brother. Pele apparently touched Chuni Goswami's feet. Ambar Roy drank scotch for the entire night and then went out to score a century against Bombay. Krishanu Dey spent entire weekend eating luchis, and yet could produce a pass that would ashame a sudden lighting on an empty sky. To a Bengali, success is not as important as almost-success. Even better is a romantic failure that has a touch of art and absolutely no physical attribute to the cause. When I read Pankaj Roy's "Khelte Khelte" first time - I was convinced every West Indian fast bowler thinks first thing in the morning whether he will be Roy's breakfast that day. It was not the time he spent at crease that would be highlighted, it was always that shot that earned a pat. We were designed to live for a moment of glory, not necessarily followed a wild fest of stupid success.

To develop bridge "strategy", I was running to British Council Library and finished at least 6 books on bridge. Very soon I was dispensing free advice to anyone who cared and started analyzing the world series matches that Harsh Bhogle could only dream of! Even after flunking the Engineering Mechanics - I, the second part of the subject was royally ignored. No one - in our group - even talked about the other papers.

When I failed to get into big Cricket teams earlier in school despite my weird - and confusing - bowling action where both hands rotate at the same time, I decided to become a left-hander batsman. Strategy again! How come a left-hander -- good or bad -- be kept outside the team! A left-right combo means - in a Bengali context - the opponent fielders have to switch places more! They would huff and puff after the 3rd ball. Even though my average dropped to lower single-digits, I garnered enough eyeballs. Once, one of my proudest moments on field, I managed to hook some bad delivery for a four. The guy who stood first in Higher Secondary in our batch, clapped and shouted "Good Shot". Getting recognized by the topper was always good, even in strictly non-academic matters.

I like Twenty20 cricket a lot these days. One of the common perceptions is Twenty20 requires much more fitness and agility -- and youth-- than the longer versions of the game. In JU, we proved 'Law of Diminishing Returns' by inventing 5-a-side cricket, that requires no physical stamina whatsoever! This was always played inside a basketball court, with most regular rules applied. Except, if the ball goes outside without a drop within the court - batsman gets out. Ohh, there were no runs if it goes behind -- Nathuda's utensils and dishes were lying nearby, waiting to get washed. Mechanical was undoubtedly the Campus' best 5-a-side team.

But we had two disadvantages.

1. We were like South Africa. There were too many talents around - and we always barfed at the tournament finals ostensibly to "Phy Ed" -- muscular people who were in some annual vocational training to qualify for PT teachers in middle-schools. These people hated to lose in any game, and once they physically beat some of us up after losing a particular mainline Cricket match, we were quite happy to concede a little match here and there to them.

2. I usually captained the side. In one Final I remember, we had to score just about 8 runs or so in last over. A cinch of a task within a basketball court. I looked into the Phy Ed bowler whom I could not see anything behind. I was at my defensive best and was rather looking toward watching "Muhafiz" that weekend with friends. We lost!

Oh! 5-a-side also had a 12 run shot. One had to hit the basket to get 12. To the best of my knowledge, only one member from our team could ever score that feat in the entire campus.

One of our major strengths was Diptakirti as our official umpire. I have never seen a more vile, dishonest, corrupt and blatant subversion of power than his umpiring in those five-a-side games.

Once Avik Roy, our Class Rep and an enormously responsible folk, took me aside and wanted to know why I did not show same level of passion (I clearly remember that word since "passion", to me, was something that's aroused after watching "Lake Consequence" late night at Star TV) in studies or something more useful than the stupid 5-a-side cricket. Again, to a Bengali nothing can be a bigger complement than "You could have done this. Only if you wanted!"

I was so proud that day. It's better to flunk by not studying than to admit you studied your ass hard, and did so! We all tried to be wilder the next day. Because everyone else has a story to tell - if one had no mentionable repartee or exchange with a teacher to recount, one could have seriously been depressed. But in reality, teachers enjoy tremendous power. More so since no one attended most of the classes and there was a significant percentage of total score calculated just from class attendance! This peer pressure made the uninterrupted flow of ridiculous "Viva" stories from Engineering students possible. Viva is mostly one-to-one situation and no one outside the room has a way to know what went on inside. So it's easy to be hero when you come out. People will believe anything from you that they think put the teacher in a tight spot. Thus, every year several Viva legends are born in every Engineering college. Ours was no exception.

Next - The Teachers

Ten Years I am Living Next Door - Part 1

2007-09-29T02:31:00.000-07:00

The First

While my dear friend Diptakirti takes almost a weekly dip into nostalgia, I try my best to avoid it by entirely denying that the past was any better. Thus, the request of a friend from Texas - who, after a couple of beers that he shared with seven others, once stripped in the middle of a certain road named after one Raja S C Mullick -to write about ten years of our passing out from Jadavpur University keeps getting postponed. It keeps getting postponed because I am either at phone with my car insurance agent to try to lower the next six-month premium, or I lobby my boss for getting that E-award that no one else deserves more, or I still hold my smile - and my anger - at the usual Saturday evening discussions comparing India and US, or, may be, like I was doing a while back around 3AM this Saturday, wander through the Orkut profiles of people I never saw after school and just feel a tad hungry, not depressed. Not yet! As I just said, living in denial is a wonderful thing for your heart, for the micro arteries in your brain and the moody gland that secretes insulin.

Dipta apparently saw "almost a hundred of us" as he walked into the Mechanical Engineering building, the first time. Well, I doubt it. Some folks, especially who would belong to "A" section, had already started studying and so, were absent. Some others were so eager to get ragged, especially about the bits where the seniors would ask them to propose to a random girl sometimes a senior herself, they kept prancing within 12 ft radius of the dreariest looking folks whose only privilege in life was they passed the Joint Entrance Exam a year ahead of us. Some others, like Dipta himself, would either run to Nandan or Elite, somewhat randomly, at the first hint of a loose day at college. So, there could not be hundreds walking into that building. But I don't blame Dipta. For us who came to JU after 12 years of "boys only" schools, counting - or other related number crunching - would only involve girls. At least on that very first day, we had only one dream. As soon as we enter through the "Arts gate", we would be mobbed so badly by the girls - especially those from English - that Beatles and Rajesh Khanna in early 70s would get into depression. Some, I heard, also carried an extra shirt and a couple of something else in their pockets the first day. Just in case.

Graduating in Mechanical Engineering was like being perpetually in a place that's a homogeneous mix of a crowded men's locker room and a sports bar that does not allow females. Hell, we did not even have a "Ladies" toilet in the 5 buildings that our department spanned. But we had a windmill next to our dept. According to Anindito, that windmill ran on electricity. I believed it.

The curriculum in the first semester in any Engineering course, at its best, has the same level of complexity as the mandatory seat-belt instruction 'training' prior to takeoff. Or, at least that's what we heard! So, rather than reading magazines in our seats, as the instructor - all Mechanical Engineers themselves, no long-legged commercial airline lasses there - kept whining, we got out. Every day we fled the department faster than a fire-alarm would evacuate Pentagon. We went to many more places than the first generation Aryans went to find newer pastures. However, the clear winner was an ambiguously named place called "AC Canteen". It was neither air-conditioned, nor really a canteen. I never saw anyone buying any food there. People used it for 3 purposes -

Generally measure the arts' chicks.
Chitchat in REAL large groups (more than 12). Smaller groups, or people above first two years, had other places to go.
Throwing up after an unusually long round of drinking, followed by smoking special things, on unusually warm days in August.

Thus the first semester seemed shorter than a lopsided Antakshari round between two mute groups. Diptakirti was our new star, as was Vinod Kambli in Indian Cricket team that time, who smashed all previous records in the 'optional' English paper and - thanks to his deep knowledge of angular inertia of motion - scored highest in a Physics exam too! Our "B Section" had 50 students. As the semester results started pouring in, more seating legislators lost than it happened after "India Shining". 37 of the 50 failed "Engineering Mechanics I" - the only real Engineering paper in that semester that covers the basic fundamentals which the next seven semesters would be built upon. It was a swift and it was a bloodbath. Out of the 13 or so who passed each subject would be one Manas Kr Das, possibly the handsomest operator who - according to Anindito again - could have 18 disheveled girls from English hons dancing around him if he just adjusts his glasses like he does anywhere near the Arts section. Folks formed a "study group" to pass the second attempt the University allows for a failed paper. I was very politely, but unequivocally, asked not to come anywhere near when the study groups convene. Manas advised us "to formulate a plan and just attack it". We nodded. On the other hand, Vinod Kambli gave an interview on how Sachin took an elevator to the top and he is taking stairs. He would reach there, just a bit late. "Baazigar" was a top hit. "Superhit Muqabla" - hosted by Baba Sehgal, and "MTV Grind" - often hosted by Cindy Crawford, lost a lot of viewer ship for next month and half. We still were not getting mobbed by anyone, but possibility of a serious thrashing down at home - if they had known about the going ons - showed up instead.

"Kothay Jachhen,Tarapadababu?"

2007-08-26T09:44:00.001-07:00

(Where are you going Tarapadababu?)

There is something about Rays and Bengali literature - the only two authors whose entire work adore my bookshelves are Satyajit and Tarapada. For years, actually decades - years spent in wasting my college days; years where I tried to overcome the early workplace excitement and, subsequent frustration; single years where I tried to find meaning of everything in things like Beer and Kababs -- books like "Ko Kho Ga(w) Gho", "KandogYan", "Bidyabuddhi", "Sheshmesh" were a part of my bedtime routine. Heck, even my wife - who understands but cannot read Bengali - nagged me regularly to tell "funny stories from that mota boi" ("Golpo 365" - anthology of Ray's humorous writings). Tarapada seemed to have a life made of dreams - childhood spent in East Bengal in a big family that includes every unknowing neighbor; experimenting grandparents; weird relatives; youth dedicated to "Krittibaas Movement" - that was all about late nights in burning ghaats, drinking (and often smoking LSDs brought in by likes of Alen Ginsberg), and writing stuff that were never written before
-- and above all -- a solid, secure, executive level job with Govt of West Bengal that ended as soon as Buddhadeb Bhattacharya took over!

He claimed most of his jokes were "copied" from Joke books he bought used from Berkeley (where his son teaches) bookshops, but not all - not even most of it were lifted from foreign sources. I live in US for a decade and never seen an English joke book with ShilNora jokes! Most jokes were either on him, or on his brother (Sajal), his sons - Dodo and Tatai, his wife - Minoti, his East Bengal neighborhood, Calcutta offices, Shibram Chakraborty and late-night drunks (read - Shakti Chattopadhhay). He tried funny fictions too - namely the ones with a detective named 'Patal laal' (pronounced as one in Bengali) and an aging heroine 'Julekha'. Puja special numbers for daily "Aajkaal" usually carried this series. He wrote - and loved more than writing anything else - enormous number of poems, some excellent ones. Lately, he delved in some real auto-biographical stuff too -- the title of this blog being title of one such book (read - his jokes with actual character names on it). But like every other successful funny man, he carried a burden to prove himself to be "non serious". Thus poet Tarapada remained sidelined to the joke writer! To me, some of his poems would rank the same as early Nirendranath Chakraborty - same lucidity, similar Calcutta-East Bengal identity dilemma, and not overtly just about chasing skirts (actually, saris!) when drunk.

Tarapada Ray died yesterday. News of death - as we grow older - becomes more painful. But when a humorist dies, it becomes unbelievable. Like Tarapada, Art Buchwald - whom the former had tremendous respect for and had actually met in US - also died of kidney complications. Buchwald worked on a book titled "Too Soon to Say Goodbye" in his final days. This book contained eulogies prepared by his friends, family and media that were drafted earlier when a false news of his death was reported. After the day of his death New York Times posted a video obituary where Buchwald himself said "Hi, I am Art Buchwald and I just died". Knowing Tarapadababu, he would never do the video part, but probably would have done the book by all means. My eulogy on him would just be - "The first man in billions of years of Universe who wrote jokes on Moshari and Gamcha is no more. Airplane economy class travel would no longer be the same without his books unraveling why one bajaar never has more than one pagol and one shaaNd!"

Glossary -

Moshari - Mosquito Net. Discovered way before Rasagolla and perhaps a truer identity for every true Bengali.

Bajaar - Fish Market. Vegetables - namely, potatoes - can also be sold, but as long as there is no fish (not frozen, fresh) - it is not officially a 'bajaar' for Bengalis.

Pagol - A lazy folk -usually perfectly alright - who adorns a locality, a bajaar or the book store near a bus stop. Neighborhood gladly welcomes one pagol, but gets divided in their support when there is more than one. It usually ends in bitter physical fight between two pagols for territory. Bengali folks can pay money, or, more usually, misses work to witness such fights.

Gamcha - originally hand-woven cotton spread with different shades of red used to wipe water off Bengali body after a bath. There could be as many as 139 types of red color in one single gamcha. Best gamchas are usually available in Sealdah. Even though "towel" became a French sounding "towaale" in Bengal-land, true Bengalis stick to gamcha (or the gamcha colors stick to them).

Shaan(d) - Ox. As lazy as the pagol. Lives on the vegetables from bajaar that remain unsold.

ShilNora - A two-part stone tool used in Bengali Kitchen to ground spices. ShilNora's average life is about 145 years. In other words, no new shilNora has been made after Bidhan Roy had died. So, if you use one, thank your grand mother.

My World This Week

2007-08-11T09:57:00.000-07:00

(1) Yesterday (Aug 10) was "Lazy Day". I rapidly forwarded this valuable piece of information to my colleagues and to my manager. However, a question. How do lazy people celebrate such an occasion? My guess is they don't. Otherwise, they won't be lazy. I worked!

(2) Rediff has started a feature where you can send your experience of growing up with celebrities, along with picture. There are people who actually "studied" with educational luminaries like Kareena Kapoor, Twinkle Khanna etc. Cool.

"I was in the same school as Shahrukh Khan. Even then he was so much in love with himself that he never ever flushed his poop."

(3) Reading "Dhus(h)or Canvas" (Grey Canvas) by Tarun Kumar Bhaduri (Amitabh Bachchan's father-in-law). A lively take on Bhopal - old and contemporary (80s). Tarun Kumar was an esteemed journalist with "The Statesman" and had written a few interesting books like "BehaD Baagi Bandook". His "Bilkis Begum" once caused sufficient controversy in Calcutta drama circle . The book starts as the writer wakes up in Intensive Care Unit of a Bombay hospital. He died a couple of years later.

Originally published in "Desh", it has number of interesting anecdotes about Urdu poets, and other interesting characters from Bhopal. Like this one -- worried about his friend's drinking habits, who also was a devout Muslim, Tarun asked how he could drink when his religion is so against such vices. His friend, also a famous Urdu Poet, replied "Yaar, Islam mein peena haram nahin, nasHa haram hai". ("Drinking is not forbidden in Islam, getting drunk is!").

(4) Best movie quote of the week - Will Ferell to Jon Heder (Napoleon Dynamite guy) in "Blades of Glory" -- "I see you still look like a fifteen year old girl, but not hot".

(5) This feature on Bruce Willis -- just before his "Die Hard 4" --could be a great lesson for people who do Celebrity Profile / Interviews. I loved the part where Bruce Willis wants to change a part of the script and calls the studio. The studio boss was not very keen to make the change, and the call went like this --

He kept saying, 'Uh-huh, uh-huh.' And then he said, 'Let me ask you this: Who is your second choice to play John McClane? Thought so.' And then he hung up. It was just as cool as that."

(6) Finally watched Disturbia. Loved it. "Rear Window" has been remade so many times, it feels as regular as shaving to watch one. Anyone remembers "Pehla Nasha" - another remake in Bollywood with Deepak Tijori? One song went like -

"Main deewana, tu haseena.
Un hoon Un Hoon...
Aisi akeli raatooN meIn mujhe
Neend na aaye
To kya karoon"

Disturbia added a nifty teen romance (pretty hot at that ;)) to the base storyline. Thus the guy - about 17-18 year old here - was not only looking at murders, but also at the new next door hottie in her swimming pool. Nice Hollywood formula movie that entertained.

(7) Anil Kumble scored a century in Kensington Oval. Anyone knew this series is "Pataudi Trophy"? MAK Pataudi (who never played for England unlike Senior) apparently saw four balls coming from bowlers - after of his eye accident - and just chose the one that appeared less defused. Sweet! Anyhow, I was talking to a friend asking him whether Kumble's century was even more painful to watch than Ansuman Gaekwad's painstaking 201 against Pakistan. He said yes! Doesn't look like I missed much.

"Bombaiyer Bombete" - A Late Review

2007-08-05T08:43:00.000-07:00

Making a bad film is not necessarily an easy thing to do, especially from a popular piece of literature portraying a generational hero, unless the director (a) ignores the story and brings on his own, or (b) messes up with the casting, or (c) makes something of zero or no production value. Sandip Ray somehow managed to do all three - and much more - in this movie.

Agreed no top-notch criminal would use an airport pay-phone today, or anyone could be arrested in a long gone MISA (POTA, probably?). Heck, Tabasum's "Phool Khile Hai Gulshan Gulshan" was last telecast about two decades ago. In post-Satya age, it was a mockery of the hero to see Feluda 70-s style attacked by two funny-looking, skinny goons. Last I saw someone attacked like that and fight out so was Biswajeet in one of his eternal ending in speed-boat chase movies with Babita and Shetty! Also, why did Feluda not scan the address book from the mobile phone of the fallen goon? They were already being phone stalked before the attack ensued. Chances are he might have found more solid clue by just dialing the last 10 numbers or so!

The movie starts with a green ambassador - same as Lalmohanbabu owns - blown up. So, you cannot really be blamed for elevated expectations. In a few moments after the title though, the movie tries very hard to get the identity of a shaky, low-budget, made for TV film. "Satyajit Ray Presents" was actually a made for TV series too, and the difference between these two are just about the same as the difference between whatever little success Rohan Gavaskar has achieved today and whatever he could possibly have achieved had he not been a Gavaskar!

I generally love movies, and number of movies panned by me is perhaps less than the number of students flunked by your high school drawing teacher. Even by that scale, BB is so horrible that when the trio watch Pulakbabu's last movie "Tirandaaj" -- and award-winning snippets like Venkatesh fighting an evil woman inside a green airplane in turbulence, or Rambha shaking her ample behind are shown -- one may actually pray that the fantasy continues rather than the idiocy.

Some other questions -

(1) Why the hell was Feluda's and Lalmohanbabu's hotel rooms were raided? This did not plug in with the rest of the movie and was not mentioned ever again. This was a wasted sequence.

(2) Why Pulakbabu is senior to Jatayu? And what was with Pulakbabu's extremely irritating accent? If they were trying to ape north Calcutta (Gorpaar) accent - they just had to watch Mondar Bose in Sonar Kella. If they were trying to show how lame Bollywood directors are, they could have just watched any of Ramgopal Verma's movies instead - where he regularly copies likes of Johars and Chopras and Lahiris too!

(3) How come Jatayu never remembered the chit from Sanyal, but when Feluda asked for it -- he produced it in a jiffy? This actor should also remember that Jatayu is not at all about hand and neck movement - in opposite alternating directions - with every sentence. People comparing him with Santosh Dutta should just stop at the baldness gene and go no beyond.

(4) "The Life Divine" is a pretty thick book - with about 1000+ pages on hardcover. Jatayu's version of "Bombaiyer Bombete" is very much like Ray's - about 130 pages. Even for Jatayu it would have been hard to mix one package up with the other.

(5) Hopefully, the loud "shooting noise" in the climax train scene is planned - and not just because they ran out of cash before sound-editing that part. It did sound very distractive, dissipated any tension that may have built up near the end and perhaps one of the worst train scenes ever filmed after "Ramgarh Ke Sholay"!

I grew up in boarding school. One of my worst nightmares was using my roommate's toothbrush sleepy eyed. Worse than other dreaded teenage nightmares like feeling a bullet in your spine, or drowning in the fishpond as the fishes start eating you -- of course after de-boning carefully to get rid of the femur and likes; the tooth-brush bit used to wake me up with sweaty palms, dry throat and an immediate eekie-eewie current making my body shiver. Watching "Bombaiyer Bombete" just so nearly mimicked the experience of using someone else's toothbrush first thing in an otherwise fine morning. Satyajit's movie version was so noticeably distinguished that Sandip Ray should really have left Feluda alone.

Random Movies I Like - The Gentleman (1994)

2007-07-04T10:26:00.000-07:00

(On Dipta's request)

(I received my movie review training from "The Guy's Guide to Guys' Videos" - that even had a section on "how to convince your girlfriend to watch this movie", immediately after "babe factor" section- so do not expect to find comparative style analysis between Bunuel and Trauffaut; or the Freudian dissection of a scene between Nirupa Roy and Amitabh and stuff like that. So, please read at your own risk.)

Mahesh Bhatt did not at all copy everything from Shankar's first movie "Gentleman". The self-ascribed 'showman' added a very significant "The" before the original Tamil title, replaced Madhu with Juhi Chawla, called up Anu Malik to Hindi-fy the original music and - most importantly - replaced water with Honey to be poured upon the heroine's navel in one of the most erotic scenes portrayed in 1990s. Bollywood had more budget in the pre-"Sivaji" days than the south.

Shankar's movies (Mudulvan, Indian etc) typically show common man taking his fight to the corrupt system and winning. While the means is not at all important, and mostly consists of twisting all possible laws, the hero always wins full approval from the mass after a fiery end- speech that justifies the cause. In "The Gentleman", Chiranjeevi plays a Robinhood who robs rich people to build a school that will train Doctors, Engineers and every possible profession one could imagine. Apparently, his brother had killed himself unable to pay the "donation" (known those days as "capitation fees") to one medical college.

I was comfortably ensconced in the cool of a pretty good Government run Engineering college that time, and was paying about Rs 300 (less than $10 a year) for the tuition for the whole year -- most of which went to pay the examination registration fees that I usually had to take multiple times to pass! But we all were aware of the dreaded "Bangalore Colleges" that used to charge 'ridiculous' monies merely for registration. So, I guess Chiranjeevi indeed should have been the hero, rather than our own Tapas Pal (whose character once actually sold his kidney to get some money for his family - "Saheb").

Anyways, we were on the last of our teenage years and watched very carefully Juhi Chawla writhing as Chiranjeevi's erect, glistening sword almost pierced through her tucked-in navel. As they say, pain is indeed mightier than the sword!

Our moral leaders were just overloaded to protest against all Govinda-Karishma Kapoor "double meaning" numbers and overlooked this.

In retrospect, one hopes the shot to pour honey on the navel was chronologically *after* the shot above. As some claim, one hopes honey indeed reduces swelling and scarring, and heals the wound faster.

Just in case anyone suspects creativity and originality of Mahesh Bhatt, let's see how the shots above looked like in the original Tamil version. As said before, in the Tamil version, the actress was Madhu.

Oh! It looks like they also changed the actual sword across two versions. The Bombay one is surely more reflective, one hopes, of deep inner creativity that Mr. Bhatt had gracefully lent to this movie as "director".

Remember that you heard it first at Gasbelly. Director Shankar has a navel fetish. Like in "Gentleman", in his later film "Mudulvan" (where an ordinary folk becomes Chief Minister for a day and change a lot in the system; later remade as "Nayak" in Hindi, I guess they could not have named it "The Mudulvan" in Hindi anymore) Manisha Koirala and Arjun (wearing the yellow shirt) pay good attention to each other's belly button. Now, isn't that navel? Oops, I mean novel!

Random Movies I Like

2007-07-03T21:27:00.000-07:00

Ajooba (1991)

This one above, looking like a possible rival of Johnny Sokko's flying robot, is actually "fauladi shaitan" - awakened by devil Vazir Amrish Puri- that wants to take over the world. This movie is extremely cool as it shows magic carpet; Shehzada (Amitabh) initially raised by a dolphin; a Zorro like character called "Ajooba"; a full fledged fight scene between two big nations - Baharisthan and Hind - with barely 22 soldiers in each side; Amrish Puri humming "Shaitan Zindabad" in pretty much every scene he walks in; and Hasan (Rishi Kapoor) turning into a 2 inch creature after consuming a magic potion -- and -- eventually taking shelter inside Sonam's blouse.

"Ya Ali, ya Ali. Mera naam hai Ali" or "Aare tajoob hai, tune dil nahin diya?" (Followed by Bachchan's "NAHIN!") both are pretty good songs. There is also a very zany, middle-eastern theme group music - probably pictured on Sonam - that I have forgotten the lines of. I think it went something like "Shikdum shikdum" - very much like the one from Dhoom, that incidentally has copied from Turkish music too.

Even if there were many fantasy films made in Bollywood, "Ajooba" would totally have been a cult classic.

Guess who else is in this movie, and despite all great bloodshed, finished pretty much in shape? Yeah, Dilip Tahil! Man, even his lines are so simple. Like, as he enters Ajooba's den - "Hum yahan Ajooba ko dhoondne aaye hai". Duh! Thanks for telling dude. His next two lines to Amitabh are "Tujhse?" and "Kya!?". I totally envy this guy. His character, btw, is called "Shahrukh" in this movie.

I first watched this movie in 1991. I -- then about 16 years old --went to my cousin sister's wedding and was asked to greet the guests from the groom's side and have them seated well. However, around 5PM-ish -- as soon as I could manage Rs 8/- - I fled to the nearest theater and watched this movie wide-eyed. Back home, just when everyone was badly searching for yours truly, I surfaced from the side of the hall where they kept the food and gave some lame excuse like "Oh! You already got enough paan? But I was asked to go to Naran's shop and get some extra paan!!" It was a crowded wedding place and no one asked who gave such a stupid executive order especially when the caterers got more than 400 paan - of various types - along! Thankfully. Otherwise, I would have blabbered something like "Vazir-e-ala"!

Rather my uncle decided to give me a crisp Rs 20/ bill -- just in case they really needed more paan. I again went out and bought "Ajooba" audio cassette from T-series. Long live my superheroes! I was already a big, big fan of Sonam after watching her conspiratorial "Aakhri Adalat", epic "Vijay", social justice related "Na Insaafi", and a pretty good curry western type movie "Gola Barood" etc. After "Ajooba" I was totally in love with her. Especially thinking of the scene where she emerges from a bathtub and Shashi Kapoor pans the camera across, I think, 108 mirrors across the room. When 16, even a shadow of Sonam was good enough to like a movie (ahem!)and here she was in her fullest glory, in multiple disheveled avatars. That was almost near the quota for the entire year! However, the rumor started by a dear friend that she was in the buff was totally not true.

Location, Location, Location

2007-06-14T23:55:00.000-07:00

"This summer I learned at a party that there is a small - but important - difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool. Location, location, location."

-Demetri Martin

As a big fan of road movies, I loved "Breakdown". Kurt Russell is somewhat like our own Sunny Deol - short on acting, have extremely limited expressions so as to not confuse viewers, yet always delivers, provided it's an OK scripted action movie. "Natural Born Killers" is probably the most overrated road movie, especially if you have not seen Brat Pitt's less discussed "Kalifornia". Later two has Juliette Lewis, who would easily have won my vote for best actress for the Oscars in those two years.

"Breakdown" has a somewhat bizarre gang of truckers and wanna-be truckers kidnapping (and possibly killing) random auto drivers (mostly females) from a somewhat deserted freeway that looked like near scenic Moab, Utah. I am taking off for summer holidays to Moab, Utah - following a week spent in a (work related) conference in Las Vegas. So - to prepare, not for the conference - I did what I do best. I made a list of movies made in or around Moab and just finished watching as many as my local video store had in stock!

I also found "Mr Location" who actually takes off for several weeks every year to cover cool movie locations like ones in "Thelma and Louise", "Italian Job" to Spielberg's one and only road movie (but one of his best work ever!) "Duel". Mr. Location also maintains an album - duly organized and captioned - in webshots. Hats off dude! You are my hero.

This man's level of details is evident from the picture that I linked at the top of this post. In the movie "Breakdown" -- Kurt Russel's wife hitches with a trucker, leaving her husband with their new, broken down Jeep, to go to this diner to call a tow-truck. While the road was definitely in Utah, this diner - as Mr Location points out - is in Lancaster, California. Moab to Lancaster would be a painfully monolithic drive of 700+ miles. I am speechless and - at the same time - humbled by such a focussed individual who - as you will see - is an excellent photographer too.

Some other movies shot in or around Moab (famous for Canyonlands and Arches National Park)- Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Con Air, Hulk, Mission Impossible (1 and 2), Thelma and Louise (I will actually be visiting the location of the climax! Thanks to Google Maps!!), and also - Austin Powers (Goldmember). Now I just wish I had my own 'Mini Me' to send to places I could not possibly cover within 8 days!

Another recent awe-inspiring movie location was listed in my scrapbook as I was watching the opening scenes of "Arachnophobia" -- shot at Canaima National Park, Venezuela. If you ever get to grab this movie, do not let the first ten minutes pass. Especially the aerial shot of the falls -- as the entomologists helicopter is circling it -- is one true piece of art. Before watching this movie, my favorite waterfall scene -- other than the ones from RK Films -- was from Amitabh Bachchan-Manoj Vajpayee's "Aks", shot somewhere in Hungary.

Shorties - Three Other Movies

2007-06-03T22:33:00.000-07:00

1) Ek Chalis Ki Last Local -

Let's start with a PJ.
Q. What would "Da Vinci Code" be called if Neha Dhupa and Abhay Deol act in it?
A. Last Local Chalice.

Jokes apart, this is a brilliant movie by a first-time director. A comparison with "Pulp Fiction" or Coen Brothers genre is probably unavoidable, but I found it more in line with "Get Shorty". The story, also written by the director, could easily be one penned by Elmore Leonard. Very few good "cult" movies are made in Bollywood, the last one I liked was "Waise Bhi Hota Hai Part 2" in 2003.

This movie does not have a single frame shot at daylight; has an array of strong, unknown character artistes; two rival South Indian dons (one played by Deepak Shirke - immoral for playing the "Hakla Seth") and a hilarious Nana Patekar mimic as an auto-driver who spends thousands after the bar girls. If any of these sounds interesting to you, do not give it a miss. If not, wait for Karan Johar's next!

2) Bheja Fry -
PJ - in Bengali, this movie would be called "Wet Bhaja". (Bheja = Wet in Bengali)

Yeah, it is lifted from a French movie. So what? One of the very few three-dimensional films ever made, it independently criss crosses (a) a story, (b) situational humor and (c) intentionally frustrating or annoying the audience. The best possible weekend stress-buster without inviting anyone for dinner!

3. Parzania -
This is one of the few films that, rather than let you escape from reality, drags you to face the bitter truth in all its minutiae. A must-watch movie if -

you hate Narendra Modi and the general bastardization of Indian politics by the so-called "Hindutva". You will find more reasons! Never before was one Indian film so unabashed in its portrayal of such an open secret.
you like Narendra Modi or Praveen Togadia. You will give the other side at least one chance to explain.
the last image of Sarika you recollect was from a certain frame of 'Vidhata'. Clearly, the ex Mrs Kamal Hasan is the best green eyed actress in India right now. Cannot wait to see her more in the coming days.

Eklavya - The Royal Guard

2007-06-03T01:15:00.000-07:00

Eklavya - The Royal Guard

In "Maximum City", Suketu Mehta writes how Vidhu Vinod desperately wanted Amitabh Bachchan to play SSP Inayet Khan in "Mission Kashmir". Apparently, they landed up in Bachchan residence 2 am-ish to talk it over, to be told by a wide awake Abhishek that they are a family of insomniacs. The deal was almost clinched, but Amitabh preferred to focus more on "Mohabbatein" and apologized in a fax sent to Chopra wishing to work with him in future. Chopra kept waiting, meanwhile polishing a screenplay based on a lore - when a bodyguard of Yasser Arrafat was assassinated, his revolver was passed on to his ten year old son- narrated to him by a certain actor. Amitabh Bachchan.

If nothing, this movie is a great visual treat and one of Bachchan senior's finer achievements.

For trivia hunters, this is probably the first Bollywood movie to have its "official" blog. The site mentions that "The most problematic location proved to be a railway crossing - the scene of two pivotal action sequences in the film. Scouts travelled all across Rajasthan looking for a location where six hundred camels could run along side a moving train. The crew was preparing to shoot the sequence in Egypt. Thankfully at the last moment the perfect spot was found a hundred kilometers from Bikaner." Actually, Pradeep Sarkar should have told his mentor about the train route used in "Sonar Kella" - where camels did run along side a train. Ultimately Chopra and Co. chose the very same route anyways!

Trivia:

Original Eklavya put seven arrows in the mouth of a barking dog (hopefully it was not a Chihuahua).
Vidhu Vinod directed this movie after seven long years of hiatus.
Main movie poster of Eklavya has seven character close-ups.
Newly married Hindu couples walk around fire in seven full circles to ensure the bond between the couple lasts for seven lives.
Vidhu Vinod, however, married four times. Anupama Chopra, India Today film correspondent, is his present wife.

"Delhii Heights" - Frustrating Aim at Mediocrity

2007-06-02T22:11:00.000-07:00

I had my "Crap-o-meter" on as soon as I saw Shivaji Ganesan - of all - offering prayers to Tirupati and a batch of South Indian Deities at the front title of the movie. Was not this supposed to be a film on Delhi, where God takes a backseat unless He is driving a Bentley? Then, the narrator goes on (thankfully, not Amitabh Bachchan) - "Phir bhi meri Dilli meri shaan. Aur aaiye aab milte hai Delhi heights mein rehnewalon se.."

That's the last the city "Dilli" we would experience. Except a shot or two -- including one stock shot overwritten 'Bombay" -- all take place in cool comforts of the studio. One may have hoped this movie to continue the legacy of the foggily romantic Delhi winter (Ahista Ahista), or the Old Delhi cobweb of mystery (Dil Se). But finished watching, the biggest question that lingers on mind is not what exactly was Om Puri doing here, but why so many (I counted at least 7) travel agencies were thanked at the end title when the entire movie - barring may be 3 minutes - were shot within four walls!

Bengali literature is exceptionally strong with stories that touch the lives of people -- of similar background, but with different problems -- living within the same compound. Jyotirindro Nandy's "Baro Ghar, Ek Uthan" (Twelve Homes. Same Backyard)comes to the mind as the prime work in this genre. In the visual media, a tele-serial called "Kolkata" -- based on residents of a certain 'Kolkata Apartments' -- was highly popular in mid-80s. Lately, "Pran Jaye Par Shaan Na Jaye" was cliched but was a relatively enjoyable film from Bollywood on the same premise, literally. Success of these stories mostly lie on two factors - (a) different story in each family - if one family deals with a teenage criminal, the other does with a pedophile who is next door neighbor to a high-class prostitute; and (b) complete lack of predictability.

In "Delhi Heights" two neighboring couples of similar age and background both deal with spousal issues! At no point during the movie one would not be able to tell what is going to happen fifteeen minutes since. Except that Jimmy Shergill would indeed be thanked for getting discount on soft drinks for Om Puri's daughter's wedding where premium scotch flows scot-free!

Back to the front-end narrator, on Delhi he says - "Dariyagunge mein dariya ki, aur PahaDgunj mein pahar ki ek photo tak najar nahin aati". Ironically, the same can be said about "Delhi Heights" and "Delhi".

To find Gaseous Belly - People Google These!

2007-06-02T15:12:00.000-07:00

Real examples from my counter -- showing what people Google for to hit this page. Exact search strings follow, spelling and format unchanged. My comments, if any, are in small, bold, italics.

1. relation between kaberi basu and juhi chawla

2. after the chinese, south indians are the smartest people

3. fart of the day

4. vizag middleage females dateing search (ok. I have no idea why someone looking for such things should land up here, but apparently they do!)

5. mandakini is an indian actress known for doing bold scenes in hindi cinema (Why search. You already know everything!!)

6. shrek 3 fiona fart (I wrote on Shrek + this is gaseous belly. Haha, Google is smart.)

7. how long can it take for a medical transciptionist to type up reports

8. how to find a date of birth of a child who was born in behala vidyasagar hospital in 1989

9. vinod kambli's second wife (I knew he only had one!)

10. real father of sanjay gandhi

11. babul supriyo divorce

12. picturisation of sex in indian hotel on mms

13. moon moon sen's blue film (ahem!)

14. you're not the person i fell in love with lyrics (If not, why search for the lyric baby?)

15. rahul dravid, engineer

16. weather report for the month of march 2007(kolkata)

17. french exploitation movies

18. vasundhara raje kiss video (Even this has a market. Certainly so does this page!!)

19. things to do while watching cricket

20. pune infosys staff cleavage (Again, no idea how! O Almighty Google..)

(Will be continually updated)

Lessons Learnt from "Shakalaka Boom Boom"

2007-06-02T09:40:00.000-07:00

1. IMDB has the following entry, and just the following entry, in "Memorable Quotes" section for the movie -

A.J., Reggi: [singing] SHAKALAKALAKALAKALAKALAKALAKALAKA BOOM BOOM!

Before you count - "LAKA" appears seven times. Good for Himmesh. Using the same logic, what would be the memorable quote from "I Know What You Did Last Summer"?

2. Out of the four people whom "music will destroy" (according to their website) -- two went to the left, two went to the right and rest went with Govindrao Asrani.

I could understand why "music will connect them", but about destroying -- I do not see how music destroyed Celina Jaitley's character in this movie. If they are talking about destroying her career, hasn't it long been done already? Her dialogue delivery -- even for very steamy ones as "You are ALSO good on stage", after making love to Upen Patel -- is as monotonous as a train cruising at late night.

3. One may wonder why, despite at one point having both aggressive Celina and willing Kangana at his arms, Bobby Deol's (named AJ) den is splashed with Upen Patel posters!

4. "Main aapko kha nahin jaaoNga. I am a vegeterian" is a great pick-up line. Kangana Ranaut readily steps into an aging Bobby Deol's car hearing these immortal lines. Another nomination for "Memorable Quote" just submitted to IMDB.

Not to blame Suneel Darshan, this morning I watched promo of "Naqaab - Disguised Intentions" that starts with a frame of a woman cavorting in an inviting two-piece near swimming pool. "Naqaab" literally means "mask". (Thanks to Dipta for the correction.)

5. Viju Shah is reduced to "background scores" these days.

6. Vivek Vaswani has not lost much hair since "Kabhi Haan Kabhi Na" 15 years ago.

7. Kangana Ranaut does not only look like a certain East-European pornstar called Sandra Romain, but probably took her acting lessons from the same school.

8. Dilip Tahil has it really easy in movies. Despite playing the bad guy in movie after movie, he really never was engaged in the typical Bollywood end-movie fights, chased by a faster hero or delivered lengthy evil speeches after throwing a fellow baddie in the shark tank. The wardrobe - mostly three-piece suit - is consistent too. I guess we all have seen likes of his at our workplaces. People who are there for years, makes jolly good money, no one really knows what they do and - most importantly, no one even questions why they are there! We all aim to be that guy. Except, Dilip Tahil has been that guy from day one in movies.

Life is short, Watch a Billboard

2007-05-28T22:13:00.000-07:00

Most days it was 9:25-ish, in the morning, when the mini-bus would stop in the infamous Beckbagan traffic. My head, already constrained by the neighboring angry and sweaty sardines, would have to finish a short, yet compulsive semi-circular motion - starting from the cheap, B-grade movie posters on left side walls of Gurusaday Dutt road and ending at the huge billboard blocking further views of La Martinere for Girls' school - in less than seventy three seconds. This would soon be followed by a leisurely, Cigarette-friendly walk diagonally bisecting Minto Park, leaving Bellevue Nursing Home on my right, and Hindi High too - till I would reach the green (back) doors of St Xavier's. At least one such walk was unusually gloomy for a 17 year old who still had enough money to buy three cigarettes, a couple of Samosas - and possibly even a movie ticket at Regal - that day. Calcutta Municipal Corporation had just buffed Lisa Ray's shiny back - on that huge billboard - to prevent any more corruption of Bengali morale. Ironically, it now looked like Lisa Ray would indeed need a lot of Camay to wash off that dirty, black, greasy paint from her crisp, inviting, smooth-as-a-lager-at-evening back.

Give or take another 15 years, several thousands of miles -- and it looks like nothing, absolutely nothing, has changed. It is that funny sense of Deja Vu all over again.

A week or so ago, they had to pull down a racy, controversial billboard from a busy intersection (aptly called "Viagara Triangle") of the city of Chicago. It was advertising a female-employee only local law firm -

Studies have shown that racy billboards can cause traffic accidents in busy sections. Mostly, the party at-fault would be a male driver, unless something actually falls down from the billboard itself like -

However, a self-conscious female star can stare at herself - magnified on the board - and can cause a car wreck too. 20 year old Scarlett Johanssen got shock of her life looking at "brotonsorous sized" you-know-what in this movie poster of "The Island" (great movie though!).

Who ever thought anyone who is not a blonde, is on wrong side of 36 (not age) - would ever feature on a beer ad? Call it a "shady" strategy but this billboard does demand attention at certain level -

Europeans, especially Parisians, always remain ahead on the race. A certain women's clothing with - err - untrimmed enthusiasm --

Ladies, it does not always target us (i.e., heterosexual males). Especially Calvin Klein and Abercrombies.

On the road, parting ways with convention - watch the crowd trying to fill in --

In some century, you are the bird. Some centuries later you may just be the statue. That's a Plugg jeans ad below -
The ad above reminds me of a photo from the last page of one "The Telegraph Weekend (Color) Magazine". Movie poster of "Kab tak choop rahoongi" was pasted right above a "Silence Please" sign near a hospital zone.

I was in UK in 2000s and this billboard featuring Anna Kournikova again provided enough in-the-bus entertainment -

Wall Street Journal described this Chinese billboard of McDonalds as -
"These are the messages McDonald's Corp. is sending Chinese consumers as it tries to seduce them into eating more hamburgers. One racy billboard ad features a close-up of a women's lips; on another ad on the door of restaurants, a woman runs her hand over a man's flexed biceps. "Flirt with your senses," signs say.

This one - though not exactly racy - conveys the message all too well. Anyone who has ever been in the vicinity of Tiffany's or her ilk would agree -

Underwear billboards have the highest ratio of double entendres. Even in that scale this one below literally stands out -

Back to India, this billboard in Chennai recently caused a lot of heartburn among Coke executives.

And, I am not sure if this was photoshopped like the one with Coke and Pepsi billboards in the same frame that circulated in email a few years ago, but if not - this one belowdefinitely deserves a mention.

Amul campaigns deserve a special place in any write up on Indian billboards. This one is my favorite one this year, so far -

Now, imagine you are driving a busy highway at an usual average speed of 60mph. Imagine there is a 50- ft brightly illuminated billboard that changes the display ad every 5 or so seconds, and they are showing all the ones above, and possibly more. Apparently, they are going to set up one such near where I stay. Time to call my car insurance agent!

(Special thanks to Adrants)

Urban Legends and Not Growing up - Part 2

2007-05-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

(Cont. after Part ONE)

6. Morarji Desai - Pissed off or Plain Happy?

________ Before or After?______________________________

Not only Morarji Desai banned any form of liquors in the state, he was probably about to banish the urinals as well before being toppled by a "use body rejects as fertilizer ONLY" peasant leader Chowdhry Charan Singh in 1979. Apparently, Morarjibhai would wake up every morning, go to the bathroom and - let's say - would not need a cup of coffee later to start his day. He would stoically drink a glassful of his morning urine (otherwise known as "Shibhambhu" - Lord Shiva's water). One may wonder what the laboratory assistant would have told him before she needed an urine sample to test. "Mr. Desai, the bathroom is in the corner, here is a glass, do NOT drink it full -- we need some for the sample!"

Verdict - Absolutely TRUE! On a prime-ministerial visit in 1978, he stunned the American audience when he boasted of his "urine therapy" to Dan Rather in one "60 minutes" show. That was his grand plan to bring the otherwise health-care to millions of poor Indians. American health system could never recover from the shock and has never been the same since.

If this is distasteful, please feel for the old man who was, let' say, unshaken in his belief and lived for over a hundred years! OK, one last joke. What would be Morarjibhai's expression for "not exactly my cup of tea" ;)

Unrelated Trivia: Greeks were not much interested in "Euro" as the common currency as the word "urine" in Greek sounds similar. Britons tried to pacify Greeks saying that 'Penny' had already been nicknamed 'pee' with no one trying to get rid of it entirely.

7. Suchitra Sen has "Blood Cancer" -

Her last movie was a "Priyo Bandhobi" with Soumitra Chattopadhyay way back in 1978. Her last published photograph appeared in 1989 - clad in a burkha she came out to vote in the State election and someone was able to snap her even in those pre-MMS days. Calcutta's own Greta Garbo who has remained a recluse for last thirty years and yet continued to haunt three generations together to let them figure out the "why". The maternal generation, arguably unhappy with the carefully hidden photo of hers in our fathers' wallet, told us this. Per grapevine, she was seen not only in Belur Math, but with the Sanyasi in Noihati who only coughs to communicate, does not speak; or to seek the mud of the pond in ChuNchura that could cure ANY effing disease in the world et al.

Verdict: Terrifyingly false. This has been a rumor since at least last 25 years. Last photo of Madame Sen - from that voting incident - however showed a certainly aged woman whose sharply curves on the face(the only part we had been allowed in movies, close-ups after close-ups) have been erased by an unforgiving middle-age female fat. Gaseous belly wishes the first real star of Bengali movies a long, happy life to let her see the first movie by her fourth generation, in the close comforts of her Ballygunge Park Road residence.

Unrelated Trivia: Suchitra has played two characters from the same novel (though in different movies) by Saratchandra -- she played Kamallata (titled same) and Rajlaksmi (Rajlakshmi o Srikanto). Kamallata was directed by Harishadhan Dasgupta, a famous movie-critic. Suchitra's maiden/pre-film name was Rama Dasgupta.

8. Nargis - A Nehru?
______________________ Tryst with Edwina

This is what happens with one family ruling the nation for about 40 years, 33 out of which delivers no Cable Television to the masses. Unverifiable rumors on the family starts spreading. If Indira was the 'iron-lady' who could even got her son killed, Nehru - her father - was apparently chasing skirts. Numerous ladies were linked with the Kashmiri handsome pandit - Edwina Mountbatten (whose husband's ability to swing both ways earned him the title - MountBottom), Padmaja Naidu (Sarojini's daughter; apparently had a good taste for porn), Mridula Sarabhai (sister of 'Dad of Indian Space Program' Vikram Sarabhai whom Mrinalini married; Mallika is daughter of Vikram and Mrinalini) and, outside numerous notables, a certain "Shraddha Mata". In the book long banned by GOI, Nehru's secretary writes (pp 206) -

In the autumn of 1948 a young woman from Benares arrived in New Delhi as a sanyasin named Shraddha Mata. She was a Sanskrit scholar well versed in the ancient Indian scriptures and mythology. People, including MPs, thronged to her to hear her discourses. One day S. D. Upadhyaya, Nehru's old employee, brought a letter in Hindi from Shraddha Mata. Nehru gave her an interview in the PM's house. As she departed, I noticed that she was young, shapely and beautiful. Meetings with her became rather frequent, mostly after Nehru finished his work at night. During one of Nehru's visits to Lucknow, Shraddha Mata turned up there, and Upadhyaya brought a letter from her as usual. Nehru sent her the reply; and she visited Nehru at midnight.

Suddenly Shraddha Mata disappeared. In November 1949 a convent in Bangalore sent a decent looking person to Delhi with a bundle of letters. He said that a young woman from northern India arrived at the convent a few months ago and gave birth to a baby boy. She refused to divulge her name or give any particulars about herself. She left the convent as soon as she was well enough to move out but left the child behind. She however forgot to take with her a small cloth bundle in which, among other things, several letters in Hindi were found. The Mother Superior, who was a foreigner, had the letters examined, and was told they were from the Prime Minister. The person who brought the letters surrendered them. I made discreet inquiries repeatedly about the boy but failed to get a clue about his whereabouts. Convents in such matters are extremely tightlipped and secretive. Had I succeeded in locating the boy, I would have adopted him. He must have grown up as a Catholic Christian blissfully ignorant of who his father was.

The digression above was just a backdrop. Jawaharlal's father Motilal Nehru is rumored to have fathered Jaddanbai - daughter of Allahabad's most famous kothewali Daleepabai. Later, an orthodox brahmin who was supposed to go to England for studies aborted his trips as he fell in love with Jaddanbai's immaculate beauty and even married her much against his family's wishes. Nargis is the first born of this couple!

Immediately after she came back to power in 1980, Indira Gandhi nominated Nargis Dutt for a Rajya Sabha (upper house) membership.

Verdict: Probably true. No one is taking the DNA test yet. Beats every novel you've read, every soap you've usually missed. A part of the family goes to run the country from Delhi, another part aims to do so from Bombay. No member from any of these (extended) families is short of epic drama, not even Kumar Gaurav!

Unrelated Trivia: Jaddanbai, BTW, was Bollywood's first female music "director". Sanjay Dutt's first wife, Richa Sharma (picture inset, right), also succumbed to cancer just as his mother did.

9. Sharmila calling Pataudi, holds on -

Sharmila Tagore calls the Brabourne Stadium, during a test India was playing, to talk to her suitor MAK Pataudi. Someone from the team picks up and informs Pataudi has gone to bat and Madam may call later. A disenchanted Sharmila quips that she would rather hold on since Pataudi never really stays that long in the crease.

Verdict: False. Probably a pre-SMS version in 60s that got some attention. The same story has been repeated with Glenn McGrath's wife waiting for her husband to come back in the pavilion. Personal favorite Cricket story goes like this - Mark Waugh taunts some rookie English player saying he is not good enough to play for England. James Ormund apparently quipped back - "May be not, but at least I'm the best player in my family".

Unrelated Trivia: Pataudi, desperately trying to woo Sharmila and not able to decide what to do, finally had a brand-new fridge delivered to her residence.

10. Various Urban Legends on food -
__________________________ " Aapki haathoN mein kuch,
________________________Mehke Hue Se Raaz Hai. "
_______________________- Gulzar

Panipuri (fuchka in Bengali) won't taste as good if served by a manicured vendor. Apparently, the biggest variant in the taste is neither the tamarind water, nor the crispiness of the fried dough, nor is it the potato's origin -- but the amount of dirt concealed within the overgrown finger nails of the panipuriwallah. That dirt - as it sips in various ingredients - causes the mouthwatering taste in the best fuchkas.

Verdict - Abysmally false. This was mothers' try to ensure sons and daughters still have room for home-cooked dinner after an evening out with friends. They failed miserably. Bengalis proudly overlook such facts as the fuchka vendor scratching his balls (through a well-worn lungi though) as long as the road-side delicacy is stuffed with more red chilly powder one's anus can tolerate a day.
Bread (pauNruti in Bengali) is dough prepared by men pressing it with bare feet (paun - pa - leg, you see?).

Verdict - So false even a 2 year old would giggle and ask for his next slice. This is our equivalent of "strawberries are so named because they are bedded in straw".
Coca-cola bottles have "For beverage use only" for a reason - This was one of the ULs passed on by ubiquitous Samrat Tewari in one of those countless college theks. Apparently, someone "in USA" took an empty bottle and, err, tried what Lord Mountbottom (see above) tried with members from the unfair sex in his so-called parallel sex life. Apparently this "someone from USA" was unhappy, either of the outcome or the actual pleasure obtained out of it, sued Coca Cola and actually won since - hold on your breath - Coca Cola never forbids one to not use the bottle for other-than-beverage purpose!

Verdict - Whew! Painful - even without pesticides, ain't it?

Some of the ones I missed in the list above -

Dhirubhai Ambani asks just five minutes from a belligerent Rajiv Gandhi. Tells him of the Rs 500 crores Indira has "kept with him". Gets unlimited access to PM later. Recently shown in the movie "Guru" - though the other man was shown just to be a minister.
Indians "rule" American tech sector so much so that Billji has said -"..after the Chinese, South Indians are the smartest people in the world". Absolutely False.
Percentage of Indians in USA - 38% doctors, 12% scientists, 36% NASA, 34% Microsoft, 28% IBM, 17% Intel, 13% Xerox. Yeah, right! What about the percentage of immigrant Indians driving cabs? Waitering in Indian restaurants? Running pay-by-hour motels?

Urban Legends and Not Growing up - Part 1

2007-05-20T20:07:00.000-07:00

Have you ever, even momentarily, believed that you may feel a pinch in your back sitting in that cozy corner of movie theater; turn back and get a chit "Welcome to the world of AIDS" and see a broken needle? Or, after coming to US did you not shop Tommy Hilfiger for years since, apparently, he thinks his clothing suits only whites? Or, Santa Clause was originally a creation by Coca Cola company? Or, if you accidentally ingest a chewing gum it remains in your entrails for at least next seven years before the stomach acid does it?

Well, I did! In each of them. I tried avoiding movies in theaters, even if I went I never chewed a gum, laughed off Santa Clauses at local mall as another marketing ploy, bought Gap instead and was always looking for a chopped finger in Taco Bell burritos. Urban legends are just like the statements above - they sound incredible yet too good to spoil the fun by cross-checking and create very strong urge to pass it on to unsuspecting family and friends. Created by our inner fears, social phobias, celebrity interests or just a way out of plain summer afternoon boredom -- these satiate the inner child in us that the real world bores to death otherwise. The only true "urban legend" I came across was in the movie "Lion King" there IS a shot of cloud that spells "S...E...X"! The X is a bit too subtle to miss on, though. Seriously, that was not heard from my friend's wife's cousin's ex-boyfriend, I verified it myself.

You believe or not, 'urban legends' are very cool to talk about in parties, on your second date and, possibly, to your daughter's boyfriend(s). As there are already extensive details in Snopes, I would just focus on the urban legends I encountered while growing up in Calcutta. Many of it have been passed on by (yeah!) my parents, some other by friends, some other I don't even remember - may be by a mini-bus co-passenger. There was no email back then!

1. Moonmoon Sen's "blue film" -

Beer, smoke, Moonmoon Sen

This was(?) the holy grail for most of our generation. After sharing one beer bottle among three, in the dark alleys of Dhakuria, one in the group would propose to 'rent' this to utilize his "khali bari" (parents away). It would not take him much effort to convince other two 'drunks' that his friend from Naktala has sworn to have watched it the month before! The journey would typically end in Gupta Video-Golpark facing a very serious looking bespectacled gentleman at the counter.

Drunk1 - Errr, hmm, (coughs, looks guiltily to the elderly gentleman renting "Jungle Safari" VHS) - do you have any good (special emphasis on the word like when you instruct the waiter on how spicy you want your soup) Moonmoon movie?

Serious looking gent- (paused for a few seconds. Enormous tension in the air) You mean "Anurodh"?

Verdict - False. My "friends" have spent at least 4235 man hours locating it without any success. Similar story was reported in Newspaper on Shatabdi Roy when she visited West Germany in late 80s! However, her daughter's naughty MMS clip with an Asmit Patel is indeed real.

2. Jyoti Basu's second wife in London -

Jyoti Basu leaves for London annually to spend time with his "second wife" and get skin treatments. Skin treatment is difficult to validate, but the "second marriage" bit is ludicrous. His first wife died within days of his marriage. In his autobiography "Jotodur Mone Pore" (As far as I remember) he writes -

Talk of marriage was being discussed. I did not attach much importance to this. I know there was a long and difficult struggle ahead but anyway, I got married. My father-in-law’s name was Shri Amukule Ghosh; Prof. Prafulla Ghosh who tough English at the presidency college was part of that family. Within a few days of my marriage, my wife died. My mother died in 1941. I was sitting at the high court Bar Library when my father called to break the news. The last rites were performed by my elder brother. It was father who told me that there was no need to stick to custom and have vegetarian food. I would’nt have had anyway. But with father beside me, I got that extra bit of strength.

He got married again to Kamal Basu several years later.

Verdict - False, though I could not verify the other "UL" whether Kamal Basu was his first-wife's sister.

3. Kapil Dev can land a ball on a 25 paisa coin -
Not Exactly a Change Bowler

Several versions exist. In most, Kapil visits a school (different schools in different stories); eager ones ask for bowling advice; Kapil asks one to put a coin anywhere on the pitch and bowl on *that* coin - everyone fails. Kapil bowls six deliveries all of which land bang on the coin. Kapil asks them to first aim the coin at least 3 times in an over and then look for advices!

Verdict - May be! Aiming a coin is a popular bowling practice, however whether Kapil really landed 6 out of 6 is debatable. Even if he did, the coin would surely move every time the ball touches it and chances are by second or third hit it may even be outside the pitch.

However, Kapil's father Ramlal did actually buy a buffalo to feed to his milk-loving son after strenuous practice sessions.

4. Indira Gandhi had her younger son (Sanjay Gandhi) killed -

Bordering more towards conspiracy theory, this one is the Indian version of JFK. Apparently, Sanjay was blackmailing his mother and she could not take it anymore since it was hurting her party.

Verdict - False! Why would Indira do such a thing within six months of winning 1980 general election? She was safe there for another four years and was riding the popular wave of disenchantment for Janata party.

However, Sanjay Gandhi was one colorful character and was involved in many controversial, juicy, and notorious incidents in that part of Indian history. Of course, he and his cohorts cracked the emergency whip -- but he was involved in probably the first-ever Indian "sting" operation. Maneka Gandhi ran a newspaper called "Surya" and it published Indira's bete noire Jagjiban Ram's son in compromising positions with a lesser known model. The photos that absolutely ruined Ram family's hold on UP can be seen here (not office safe!). Months later the publication inspired a movie called "Bezubaan" on the theme of paparazzi porn.

5. Juhi Chawla is actress Kaberi Bose's daughter -

The very tall Bengali actress' best work is "Aranyer Dinratri" as an unfortunate widow who gives in to her physical needs, the puny Punjabi Miss India'1984's is arguably "Teen Deewaren". Apparently, Kaberi died from a Jeep accident in the hills of Darjeeling in late 60s, but one of her daughter's miraculously survived and was adopted by the Chawlas who were posted in nearby army base. The only other "I swear it's true" statement is "Don't they look similar?". As it happens, moms don't like being questioned on such versatile truth!

Verdict - Sounds too goofy to be true. Juhi Chawla did act in some Bengali movies (like one suggestively titled "Amaar Tumi" - 'You're Mine'), just as she did some (forgettable) Telegu ones -- but other than the Jeep accident(that did happen) nothing else can be verified.

to be continued..

Pathetic Times of India

2007-05-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

In private conversations about the future of India I often wonder what will happen to the quality of work done in non-IT industries as the inflow of natural talent in those sectors has been drying up so fast. Most engineering graduates in India, irrespective of what they majored in, choose the very safe and higher earning career paths offered by Indian "IT Majors".

Per an independent study done by BusinessWeek, India produces about 215,000 Engineering graduates per year (contrary to popular perceptions - US produces 222,335). Demand in the off-shored IT industry is way much higher -- just the "Big 5" would apparently hire 100,000 in this year. Thus, it is safe to say, most good engineers -- including Civil, Mechanical, Chemical ones -- are sucked into the monolithic IT services drudgery with a scary regularity, leaving very little for the faster growing demands in the real infrastructure components.

In other words, despite the record volume growth in construction -- chances are your home site was designed by an engineer who still probably pines for an entry level position in Infosys; or a big part in the "Golden Quadrilateral" project was in hands of bitter "IT rejects". Not to undermine the passionate ones, but most entering the non-IT segments of workforce today would happily change position with someone sitting in one of the famed IT "parks". Only if they can.

Non-engineering graduates are doing no better -- the larger part takes the escapist route to become "John" or "Jill" to answer calls from irate customers off far far away in Fargo, ND; the slightly more ambitious ones try pushing the "MBA" wheels to end up - may be - just a notch higher than the former group - managing them!

One of the biggest deteriorating effects has already started seeping not-so-furtively into print media. Rapid increase in viewer ship of electronic media does not help the newspapers either. One often wonders what type of "journalists" report for the most circulating English newspaper in India today. The following report -- ironically on IT industry -- is one example of crap churned out regularly --

"US techies 10-times more productive than Indians"

Why this article is a meaningless blabber of some not-yet-ready-for-even-internship idiot who needs lessons on both his/her basic math and logic?

Comparing Infosys, TCS etc with HP, DELL etc is a worse travesty of truth than the President of Iran can ever dream of. The comparison is as valid as comparing Construction Workers and Doctors -- or in the so-called "call center" lingo one between the Medical Transciptionist and the Doctor whose scanned or recorded voice she enters into the "system"!

Indian IT companies (mostly) do stuff that is repeatable, non-core and is significantly cheaper to do in India (off-shoring), rather than executing the core stuff better in a streamlined budget (outsourcing). HP, for example, makes real products, has real factories and at least 80% of its business requires serious supply-chain management. To HP, trying to keep a tab on whether the computer servers on which this supply-chain calculations run is a huge waste of its competency. Say, Infosys or TCS gets a contract to keep an eye on the panel and contact someone in HP if there is an issue. These diverse businesses in US and Indian high-tech sectors thus can not be compared on either their profitability or even, as this article suggests, their revenue per employee.

Out of the companies suggested, EDS -- and a part of IBM -- probably comes somewhat closer to the Indian IT business model. Unlike the other US companies mentioned, their significant revenue comes from services, not from product.

Typically, hardware companies have higher revenues (also, higher cost of production) than software producers. A typical software company, like Oracle, has much lower revenue, but due to strong annuity registers a much higher percentage profit.

The following table was constructed from publicly available data on major 10 US tech companies -

The article notes - " The market observers believe that factors like high attrition rates of over 12 per cent and under-utilisation of resources are acting as a major hurdle to achieve high employee productivity for Indian firms." Really? The per employee revenue ratio - mathematically depends on just two factors - namely, (a) number of employees - the lesser the better and (b) the revenue - the higher the better. With Indian firms -- following footsteps of Xerxes of Persia, and his million-man army -- bragging about number of annual recruits -- and not their quality -- as the measure of growth, and a huge potential loss of business if the consulting rate per employee grows up -- one does not see the ratio moving any higher with the Indian "Big 5". Statistically, "ratios" hide the scale of the issue while volume does not usually scale well.

One way to achieve a higher ratio would probably be to mimic what the top-scorer in the table above did. Sergey Brin and Larry Page did not bother about fixing other people's old predictable businesses. They - while doing their Ph.D. - found out a cracking solution to a real future need and started out commercializing it in a garage without bothering about how big -- employee wise -- they should grow next year. As a result, today an average employee in their organization can go to sleep with a calm assurance that his or her work brings over a million dollar of cash a year to the company (and that he/she gets to bring a sizable part of that back home!).

Shrek 3 - 2nd Summer Sequel of the year that failed!

2007-05-18T00:05:00.000-07:00

Prince Charming arrives late to the castle where the princess was captive for so long. All he finds is a Wolf reading swimsuit edition of "Pork Illustrated" with a pig posing in bikini on the cover!
Puss-in-boots -- in a clear reference to Garfield -- blurts out "I hate Mondays" after his first drink in the bar!
The "Far Far Away" -- including the sign on the hills -- is very Hollywood where they have "Farbucks Coffee" shop exactly opposite another "Farbucks Coffee" on the other side of the road!
Fiona's mom is shown reading "King are from Mars, Queens are from Venus"!
There was a poster of "Sir Justin" (Timberlake) right above Fiona's bed. Cameron Diaz -- voice of Fiona -- was dating Justin that time!
Some shops in "Far Far Away" - 'Burger Prince'; 'Baskin Robinhood', 'Saxon Fifth Avenue' ...
Giant Gingerbread utters "Be Good" as melting away, same last words uttered by E.T.!
Puss in boots grabs his hat a.la. Indiana Jones during a chase scene.
In "Far Far Away" a movie theater is playing "Lethal Arrow 4"
A lot and lot of pop-culture, movie, personality references I -- and bunch of other fans -- are still trying to find out.

Hold on! All the above are from the "Shrek 2". There is no need to watch "Shrek 3" again to find out the references - especially those not so subtle ones - because there is none!

Shrek had a severe identity crisis in the first movie (that basically mimicked then Disney chief Mike Aisner), fell in love too. In the second, he visits his in-laws and tries to be as social as a green ogre can be. Third, the wife wants a kid, Shrek does not even get the hint. He does not want to be the king after his dad-in-law's death either. He wants to go back to his swamp and be happy with his smelly self. Such a big comic opportunity was entirely wasted by trying to retell all the fairy tales listed on Wikipedia. Retell is the key word -- not mimic. There are just so many characters -- most of whom you must have encountered decades ago, if at all -- that following them makes the grin vanish!

There is this new trend to make the fairy tales "hip", and there were some good movies -- just plain good, nothing more -- made in last couple of years on that premise. "Hoodwinked" - where the little Red riding hood plays a Miss Marple - being a personal favorite of the genre. However, "Shrek" was much more than parodying fairy tales. Following the mandatory Hollywood arithmetic to swamp the market with a sequel till there's a flop one in the series, the producers took the franchise too seriously this time and frustrated fans like this reviewer to no end.

Don't go green this summer!

Ups and Downs - 60 Defining Moments (Part 3)

2007-05-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

Part ONE - 30 Up-moments

Part TWO - 15 Down-moments

Part THREE - 15 Down-moments

16. Bantala - 1989

Three women social workers were raped, tortured and murdered after being dragged from their white Ambassador allegedly by local CPI(M) supporters. Jyoti Basu, then CM, comments the next day - "Erokom to hoyei thake!" ('This is not an unusual event!). One of the reasons he was not in the "Up" list.

Translated part from Suman Chatterjee's song on the event -

Manhood now makes me shameful .
Before myself I hang my head.
The blood of the three women sits -
In our conscience, still and dead.

17. Behala Oil Tragedy - 1987 - A disaster to happen

"In 1987, more than 1600 people had fallen ill seriously and 18 died after consuming food cooked in rapeseed oil sold by a ration shop in Calcutta’s Behala area. The poison responsible for this tragedy was triorthocresyl phosphate (TCP), which is used as a plasticiser in the plastic industry. TCP was mixed with the oil to give it the flavour of mustard oil."

This was not an isolated incident. 4 out of 5 food testing laboratories in the state have shut down, and there are only about 30 full-time food inspectors responsible for collecting food samples for over 65 million people - most of whom regularly eat outside. An estimated 1,04,000 street food vendors serve in Calcutta alone. Your guess on how many of them follow good hygiene is as good as mine!

For example, a dangerous coloring substance (Metanil Yellow) - to be used in textiles industry - is regularly used in street biryanis to replace more expensive saffron. Percentage of Calcuttans regularly eating street food? 33! To not end this on a sour note, Rs 1 (about $0.03) can buy about 200 calories on street and there's not much evidence of heavy metal contamination!

18. D.C. Vinod Mehta chopped to death at Gardenreach - 1984

A daring 35 year old Deputy Commissioner (Port) was viciously led to a blind alley and was chopped to death. His bodyguards were not spared either. Investigations reveal Mehta was on the verge of cracking a big nexus running narcotics business in Port of Calcutta area. 21 years later, a person wanted for the murder was eventually caught for passing secret information to ISI, Pakistan.

19. "Abar Aranye" - 2003

Goutam Ghose not only ruined memories of the original "Aranyer Dinratri", but made a very bad movie overall. What was an uncomplicated story-telling based on four friends who escaped from Calcutta in the original became a harangue on issues ranging from World Trade Center bombing to the organic drag in the relationship of a couple over the years. Battling with Cancer that would eventually cost his life, Samit Bhanja, however, gave a spirited last performance to an otherwise sad-opposite-of-his-prime Soumitro Chattopadhyay, very nagging Sharmila Tagore and still-adolescent-at-35 character of Tabu!

20. "Songbad Protidin" - 1992

Cornered by a leftist Aajkaal, a strongly anti-CPI(M) Bartaman and an opportunist though highly readable Anandabazar -- Tutu Basu's newspaper venture has been a pathetic failure. Interestingly, this was the first Bengali newspaper on the internet and even tried to come up with a replica e-paper, but failed there too.

21. Chandan Basu -

Other than the terribly insensitive comment after the Bantala incident, Chandan is the reason Jyoti Basu did not get into the "Up" list despite meeting all other prerequisites for an icon. Chandan and his not so illustrious friends have always been linked at scandals ranging from a biscuit company; borrowing Rs 2 crores from SBI and never pay it back; prime land allocation near Park Street, "importing" a SUV at half-a-price, to getting into a Medical college at his father's rival Siddhartha Shankar Roy's recommendation (repeatedly mentioned by a cherishing Manuda!).

22. Dominique La'pierre writes City of Joy - 1985

Member of Parliament Nargis Dutt once accused Satyajit Ray of selling Indian poverty abroad. This accusation smugly fits "City of Joy" - a "classic" woven around a hand-rickshaw puller's struggle in this 'cruel' city. Most disagreed with the way our city was portrayed in the novel. The contention was not poverty, but the ruthless, inhuman face of the city portrayed in the book as well as in the film. Calcuttans for once forgot about freedom of expression and protested the shooting of the film. To many reviewers this book was no more than a "Leper Porn".

Very soon, however, the irony of the name was lost and "City of Joy" found its name in the glossy touristy coffee table books on Calcutta.

23. Diamond Harbor -

It is said Diamond Harbor was responsible for three out of four unwanted pregnancies in the later part of the last century. A naturally beautiful place - River Hooghly just about meets the ocean here - that lost its charm to the seediness of the local rent-by-hour hotels and the daytime activities of drunk, single, twenty-somethings from nearby Calcutta by the riverside.

24. B.T. Road -

Suffice to say this is arguably India's most congested road.

25. Govt Hospitals -

Only thing worse than driving on B.T.Road would be to drive on B.T.Road to go to a government hospital. Some of the reasons these hospitals were in News recently -

26. Auto-rickshaws -

At least 70% of Calcutta residents suffer from some respiratory disorder. It also has the highest rate of lung cancer across all cities in the world. Reason - Calcutta's average SPM (Suspended Particulate Matter) is at least 50% more than what it should be. The biggest culprit is the 50,000 plus (most unregistered) auto-rickshaws that use "kantatel" -- an environmentally lethal mix of kerosene and petrol.

For Calcutta's environment to survive auto-rickshaws must die!

27. Subhas Chakraborty -

Enfant terrible of the Left Front Govt, the transportation minister himself is responsible for the unauthorized Auto-rickshaws and for the fact that less than 50% of the vehicles in the state would pass the emission test. He takes pride in knowing his Rabindranath, and his Lenin, and his army of folks like "Hatkata Dilip" (Hands-cut-off Dilip).

When he opens his mouth he is unintentionally comical. Almost borrowing the legacy of Bill Clinton he defended his act of offering prayers(he's a communist, not supposed to believe in God) at Tarapeeth by claiming he just threw flowers at the idol and did not say anything religious. Had he been managing some inconsequential portfolio he could even be a pleasure to look at - in a Circus Clown sort of way.

28. "Balak Brahmachari" enters samadhi - 1993

Sri Sri Thakur's died of heart failure at a ripe age of 73, but his dead body was kept in Sukhchor ashram for 70 days when his followers - Santan Dal- eagerly waited for him to re-emerge. To the disciples it was just a "deep trance" that the Thakur had apparently gone into before and re-emerged after several weeks. Police had to forcefully take the rotting body out to cremate. Baba did not mind.

Fourteen intermediate years seem to do nothing to the unwavering faith of the sect. They took out a huge rally last year prophesying Netaji would return alive in 2007, accompanied by the Baba.

29. "Diamond Dutta" - 1997

Always a maverick, Amal Dutta quit his full-time job in 1960s and became India's first professional soccer coach. His on-field innovations, if not his success record, will always ensure a big place in our football history. Dutta took charge of Mohanbagan in 1997 and created an euphoria as a rejuvenated team displayed one of their finest attacking games and beat Churchill Brothers 6-0 in Fed Cup quarter finals. An all time record crowd of 131,000 flocked to Salt Lake Stadium for the semi-final clash with Dutta's arch-rival P.K.Banerjee's East Bengal. The much publicized "diamond system"(see diagram) was shredded by Bhaichung Bhutia's immaculate hat-trick as Bagan lost it 1-4.

Though Dutta was vindicated when most teams adopted the "diamond formation" in 2002 Euro cup, our club officials were clearly not amused at the big defeat and Dutta had to give up his experimentation soon. Sadly, Amal Dutta's inability to keep his mouth shut also made sure he would never be invited to coach the national team even after a spirited Nehru Cup'88 display under his tutelage.

30. Stoneman - 1989

Our version of Zodiac killer, "Stoneman" thrashed at least 13 homeless and city beggars to death over the summer of 1989. Modus operandi - a heavy slab of concrete was dropped over a sleeping victim's head in dimly lit part of sidewalks of central Calcutta. Conspiracy theories like some bizarre tantrik cult that want a certain number of human sacrifices were in circulation but no one was ever arrested or charged. Stoneman - originally named so by The Statesman - still remains an unsolved mystery with closely repeating patterns in some other major cities. Bombay and Bangalore both had their share of pavement dwellers' serial murders during 1980s too.

Ups and Downs - 60 Defining Moments (Part 2)

2007-05-10T08:38:00.000-07:00

Dipta has come up with compilation of sixty events that shaped West Bengal in his - "60 years of a state". Some of those events - compiled from a special edition of "Anandabazar Patrika" - predate my generation.

Here's another list of 60 events that encircles my generation - 30-somethings - 30 Ups and 30 Downs. After 30 "Thumb Up" moments -- here is my list 30 "Thumb Down" events. Again, this list touches events only witnessed in our generation. Thus, choosing a place named "Haringhata" as the dairy land of Bengal would not be mentioned in the flops.

1. Uttamkumar's Mohaloya - 197x

We accepted Arun Kumar Chatterjee as Uttam Kumar, the only Mega Star of Bong movies. However, we hated when we woke up at 4am, turned on the radio and could not hear Biren Bhadra's booming voice that had so far been the traditional start of Puja holidays. Uttam Kumar as narrator and Hemant Mukherjee as music director were heartbroken. It was not only a coy Suchitra Sen listening to Uttam's whispers but pretty much the entire state; it also lacked enough deci-bell to keep us awake so early in the morning. Biren dadu was back the next year, and the next....

2. Dakshinapan Shopping Centre, Dhakuria - 1980s

This could have been the first "mall" of Calcutta with its upscale location, easy access for housewives, nice street food (Rajender's Alur Dom is one of Calcutta's best kept secrets). For some secret reason Dakshinapan never really flourished. Shops are closed by 7:30 in the evening and remain closed on most holidays! Unable to attract many traders, Govt offered s(h)ops to other State Govt Emporiums at dirt-cheap rates. If you want to shop for handlooms, handmade textile, cutesy arty stuff - followed by sipping lemon iced-tea at Dolly's Tea Shop - this is still the place though.

3. Poschimbongo Gronthomela - 1982-1992

Probably it was the Benfish stall that made all the difference - or the overlap with Saraswati Puja for Calcutta Book Fair (C.B.F) - but the book fair run by Govt of West Bengal never really took off. It had several advantages over Calcutta Book Fair (organized by 'Publishers' & Booksellers' Guild') however. This one started in late December and, unlike the C.B.F., had more overlapping holidays. In 1992 both the fairs were finally "merged".

The Govt. lately has started an annual "Boi Bazaar" in Nandan Complex. That too is a sad competitor for the C.B.F.

4. Devang Gandhi - Retired in 2006
Following the footsteps of Gopal Basu, Snehasish Ganguly, Utpal Chatterjee (David), Gandhi ended his career with an excellent first class record and some wasted below-par international outings.

5. Trinamul Congress - 2001

"Hare Krishna Hare Hare|
Trinamul Ghare Ghare".

"Chupchap phul-e chap"

Media (especially Anandabazar Patrika) projected an end to Left-Front rule (then going on for 24 years) in the State legislative Elections 2001. Mamata Banerjee - impressed upon by some journalists from Anandabazar - formed a "mahajot" (Grand Alliance) with Congress, a party she was part of barely five years ago! Her hatred for red went to the extreme where she even gave up "laal cha" ("red tea" - without milk).

Despite attracting huge crowd wherever she went in, she - or her alliance - did miserably in the election. Anandabazar switched sides almost overnight and scathing attacks on her leadership and a detailed analysis on why she lost were on front page the day after the results!

6. Renaming Roads - Continuing

Brabourne Road or Trailokya Maharaj Road - Do You Care?

Communist government's hour of reckoning with "Samrajjobadi Markin Shokti" (Imperialist American Power) came in form of rubbing salt on an open wound. They renamed Harrington Street - where US Consulate is located - to Ho-Chi-Min Sarani right after the shameful retreat of US from Vietnam!

If you think that was funny, then try figuring out where "Anadi Lal Poddar Sarani" is (Russel Street)! Not only Calcutta has streets named after most number of people, the 'official' names keep changing every 1-2 years. Someone recently renamed Hunger Ford Street to Picasso Bithi.
Old timers don't pay attention to such gimmicks, however, and still say "Camac Street" rather than "Abanindranath Thakur Sarani"! Poor taxi drivers and post men!

7. Athithi Niyontron Ayeen - Seen till late 80s in Wedding Cards

"Poschimbongo sorkarer atithi niyontron ayeen projojjo" (West Bengal Govt's "Hospitality Act" is applicable) -- was a standard (and mandatory!) post-script in ALL wedding invitations till at least late 80s.

This law was made during acute food shortage in the state forcing a limit to number of people that can be invited for a social gathering where food will be served. Green revolution and several years of surplus grain production after, people will still put it on the card and invite at least 500 people for the wedding!

8. Sponge-er Rosogolla - ?

"Bagbajarer Nabin Das|
Rosogolla-r Columbus"

Nabin Das "invented" Sponge Rosogolla. The sweet is usually made from cottage cheese and sugar syrup, however "sponge" technique allowed the makers to inflate the volume by using less cottage cheese. This made export of the sweet possible by canning it. Nabin Das' cousin K C Das started producing "Canned Rosogolla". Despite significant amount of advertisements this never took off, at least within the state. True Bengalis hate this stuff only a little more than a Rosogolla made by Marwadis like Haldiram!

9. "Sare Saat tar Khobor" - The 7:30 News @ DD1 -

Our elders left the precious one and half hour after 6 o'clock for us to gobble on a variety of television programs like 15 minutes of Nepali telecast, followed by a children's show called "Chiching Faank" ("Open Sesame") , Saptahiki (weekly TV guide) - mostly talking about the next Saptahiki etc.

But they would require exclusive access to the television as soon as a little globe started spinning on a starlit sky - culminating in a shape like the image on right - accompanied by a music that closely resembles Mozart on 180RPM. That was "sonbad" - news - their only way to know Italy has loaned India Rs 1 Crore (~$5M those days) for industrial development or another TV center was opened in Silchar, Assam.

With arrival of much smarter round the clock News Bulletins from every other channel Bengali news at 7:30 has pretty much died a natural death. It still is aired from a dilapidated DD building, but number of viewers is even less than the number of people who still need to adjust a rooftop antenna to a certain direction to get better picture quality!

10. Nandigram - 2007

A shame for any government, especially a democratically elected communist one, would be to let its police launch a planned armed attack on impoverished peasants - especially on women as they're fleeing - and kill at least 14 people with powerful automatic rifles by firing at their back!

Killing by brutal force is nothing new to CPI(M) - they have done it by burning 17 Anandmargees alive in 1982; opening fires on protesting Congress supporters and killing 16 of them in 1992 etc. But Nandigram has made the biggest dent, so far, on CPI(M)'s image as many ideologues strongly attacked the hurried and improperly planned industrialization efforts at the cost of fertile land.

11. Gariahat Flyover - 2002

A proverbial Govt planned White Elephant, this first city flyover in the 21st century did everything that a flyover is not supposed to do. It almost killed not one but two local markets by restricting access; created traffic bottlenecks on both Golpark and Bullygunge Phanri sides of it; increased number of pedestrian accidents as the buses race for the two minute stretch in a 35 minute-6 miles journey that they can go above 20 miles per hour; created a sewer problem for the buildings underneath and even created security problems for the area residents!

12. Great Eastern Hotel - Taken over from Govt in 2005

One of the oldest classy hotels in the world, set up in 1841
Address 1,2 & 3 Old Court House Street (Renamed "Hemant Bose Sarani"!)
"The best hotel east of Suez" - Mark Twain
Hosted Queen, Premiers and most visiting Cricket Teams. Noted from article linked above - "the occasion when a legendary Bengali film actress sent 12 bottles of champagne to cricketer M.L. Jaisimha after the latter had played an impressive innings in Eden Gardens. "It was my job to ensure the bottles were delivered to Jaisimha, and I couldn't resist the temptation, and quietly helped myself to two bottles of champagne," he said. With the Eden Gardens barely half-a-kilometre from the hotel, cricket teams, till the early 1970s would generally be accommodated in the Great Eastern." Jaisimha scored a breathtaking 129 against England in 1964 in Eden Gardens, so we can rule out Supriya Devi. It's Suchitra Sen then! Hmmmm.
Taken over by Govt of West Bengal in 1975
Number of people attending 2005 New Year's Celebration in its celebrated "Durbar Hall" - 12!

13. Pradeep Kundalia released - 1990s

June 19, 1989. Months old Bhowanipur apartment building just collapsed burying eleven people - most of them happy new home owners - alive under the debris. The builder / promoter / film-producer Pradeep Kundalia apparently had high connections, right up to the door of the then chief minister Jyoti Basu. Even a lenient charge sheet filed by a friendly administration indicated intentional avoidance of all municipal rules and use of sub-standard material to mark profits. The case against him has been pending in Alipore Court since then. He has not only been out on bail but - extremely scary in context of present rapid real estate development in the city - has been happily building homes (and making films, like the one above!) for the rest of us.

14. World Cup Inauguration - 1996

First, a drunk Saeed Jaffrey announced South Africa team as "Emirates". Second, organizers mistook the appeal for the then pop hit "Made in India" (Alisha Chinoy) and made it the central show of the evening. However, none of the 85,000 could catch a glimpse of the diminutive Ms Chinoy from the gallery and booed. Third, a so-called Italian "director" Gianfanco Lunetta was paid a fortune to supervise a grand laser show. It turned out - thanks to the gutsy evening wind vigorously flapping the laser projection screens - as if someone was randomly pointing his two-cell flashlight on each side of a mosquito net. The inauguration (literally!) had an air of failure written all over it.

Emotional newspapers went as far as - "Lunetta should be tied with a rope and detained in Calcutta". Lunetta, mistaking the attack as politically motivated(!), replied with a very tangential - "My company could not and cannot be held responsible for anything by anyone. I have always belonged culturally to the far left, because I do not believe in the bourgeoisie."

15. India-Sri Lanka Semi-final abandoned - March 13, 1996

Scared that the opening ceremony fiasco was not bad enough for the city, drunk-on-cheap-rum crowd of 100,000 could not digest India losing to Sri Lanka thanks to the captain's inexplicable decision to field after winning the toss. Water bottles started flying, Vinod Kambli exited the field weeping and - thankfully - Sangeeta Bijlani was not easily accessible! The match was stopped and later, awarded to Sri Lanka who went on to win the cup.

It tarnished the popular image of Eden Gardens and its spectators forever. Later, at least two more matches at the same venue would be disrupted by the crowd too. Populists blamed "Pan-parag culture" - that replaced the idyllic Orange chewing, test match watching crowd - for the 'bad losers' tag. The proverbial snake, however, had already entered the Garden of Eden when the crowd booed and threw - among other things - bitten apples at Marshneil Gavaskar during a 1984 test match.

T.B.C.

Ups and Downs - 60 Defining Moments (Part 1)

2007-05-09T19:45:00.000-07:00

Dipta has come up with a nice compilation of sixty events that shaped West Bengal in his - "60 years of a state". Some of those events - compiled from a special edition of "Anandabazar Patrika" - predate my generation.

Here's another list of 60 events that encircles my generation - thirty-somethings - 30 Ups and 30 Downs.

Ups

1. Sourav Ganguly does a 'Rambo' from Lord's balcony (2002)-

What this photo did for a nation in war, the image on the left did to a nation in doubt with its expression at success. Forget the "Ma Chandi" amulet, don't try to guess how much this guy can bench press - but, seriously, have you ever been prouder as a Bengali? Like all successful people leaders, subtlety is not his forte but an undying passion for the cause is.

The half-naked Maharaja's slap on proud Brit cheek was perhaps as strong as the "Half-naked Fakir's". This moment is all our freedom fighters ever wanted to see. Thank you, oh Prince of Biren Roy road.

2. Bengali in Bond Movie - 2006 - (Copying from an old email after watching "Casino Royale")

"Finally, Bengalis have arrived! My dream is to see a Bengali playing Bond - asking for a Vodka Martini, wearing Dhuti on a Bijoya Dasami afternoon as someone has hidden a nuclear bomb inside the Asur's gut. Not exactly there yet, but good progress.

Remember the guy who played the Doctor in MI6 headquarters who was instructing Bond on how to use the defibrillator as Bond was having a heart attack? That guy is our very own Paul Bhattacharjee - I bet his first name is Palash!

This is the 2nd most important day in Bengali history (first one was when Rabi Thakur returned his Knighthood). Whoo hooo!!!"

3. Kumar Shanu sings in "Aashiqui" - 1990

Bollywood male singer world was never so unabashedly "bong" before. Sachin "kotta" was from Tripura, Kishore Kumar from Allahabad, Hemant Kumar and Mannada were mostly for our jethus and pisis - but Kedar Bhattacharya was from our very own Dumdum. He paved the way for Abhijeet, Babul Supriyo, Shaan, Debojit and many others. Think twice before mocking a bong speaking Hindi - it will be virtually impossible for you to hum in shower then!

4. Sunil Gangopadhyay shows up with "Atmoprokash" - 1966

This is probably the only event in this list that is from the 60s. But Bengali literature would never be the same again. Partly auto-biographical, partly surreal, and almost entirely rebelling - this novel defines the genre that would rule the rich literature for the next half-century. Never before anyone dared to start a novel -- that too in "Sharodiyo Desh" -- with --

"Sokalbela Paritosh ese bollo, esob apnara ki arombho korechen?"

It was thanks to this novel that we got to read about places we go, things we do and people we interact with in the language we actually use. Amit Choudhuris and Jhoompa Lahiris please pay attention!

5. Suman Chattopadhyay's first album "Tomake Chai" - 1992

What Sunil did for Bengali novels, Suman did for Bengali lyrics. No more would "chaNd" be called "sashi"; no more would people bother using "kunjobon" or "preyoshir adhor " to talk about amorous activities.

The title song in the album, allegedly written about Cigarette, gave an entire generation reasons to buy Bengali music cassettes and gave us words that we actually could identify with while walking along the corridors of Esplanade. After launch of several knockoffs trying to live on Suman's success, some over-enthusiast music executive coined the school "jibonmukhi" (life-facing, literally!). It was not quite like the "impressionist" movement in Western Europe but it surely did touch more number of hearts.

6. Jotayu's introduction in "Sonar Kella" - 1971

Unless you're Pulak Ghoshal, you would address him "Lalmohanbabu". We had several great Bengali detectives before - Satyan(W)eshi Byomkesh Bakshi being the best in the genre - but we truly lacked self-deprecating humor. We laughed at "ure"(Udiya), "Bihari", "Madrasi" and "mero" (Marwari) - but no one was laughing at us Bengalis "babus". No one made fun of our fear of experimentation, over-cautiousness at cold weather and suspicion of burly character in the same train compartments till the following lines were written -

"Jini kothata bollen tini dekhte ottonto niriho, ritimoto roga, aar height-e nirghat amar cheyeo ontoto du-inchi kom | Amar to tao boyos matro ponero, tai barar boyos jaaYni | Ini kompokhhe p(N)oitris, kaajei jemon achen temon i thakben|"

7. Muhammad Yunus wins Nobel Peace Prize - 2006

Since Pakistan smirks every time we praise Dilip Kumar, we should retain the bragging rights on Dr Yunus too. Bangladesh, you can keep your deadly cyclones, horrible floods, funny middle-names and even all of Kaji Najrul but let's just be "Bangali" when it comes to Nobel and Padmar Ilish.

8. Amartya Sen wins Nobel Price - 1998

This one is totally, legitimately ours. We don't understand his theories on eradicating poverty through education and how the great Bengal Famine was mostly man-made, but we did not have the luck to sip at Kalor Dokaner Cha (Tea at Kalo's Shop) either.

We still bought his books, placed it exactly beside "Geetanjali", locked the cabinet firm and went to our local tea-shops to speculate why his marriage with Nabanita Debsen could not survive the battle of the intellects.

Nabanita Debsen, BTW, is the author of first ever Bengali e-book!

9. Calcutta Metro Rail inauguration- 1984

Gokhale was only partially right! What started in Bengal in 1984, took - not a day - but a full twenty years to start in Delhi! We Calcuttans love the 16 mile stretch metro so much that we actually try not to spit once we are underground.

"Poroborti station Rabindra Sadan. Next Station is Rabindra Sadan. Agle istition Rabendra Sadan" in that lady announcer's melting voice on those warm, patchy, sweaty June days was the closest to sex one college-goer could manage!

10. Vidyasagar Setu opens - 1992

One of the best ways to enjoy a drunk night in Calcutta is to hail a cab to Vidyasagar Setu, bribe him (and any cop that may approach) a few bucks and stand on the bridge (not *on* the car tracks!) for a few minutes. Calcutta looks like Sydney even if you are, by chance, sober.

If you're not a Bengali you probably best know the "setu" as the place where a stunt man's motorcycle ran over Vivek Oberoi's left leg and watching the incident - Yuva's director - Mani Rathnam had a mini heart-attack. Chances are it was the stunt man's first time on the bridge and he was lost in the beauty that surrounds it before ramming over to Aishwarya Rai's then boyfriend.

11. Dalmiya elected ICC chief - 1997

One of the most astute administrators of the game from the east 'whitewashes' the Pommie-Aussie lineage. Never again would the match referee could dole out any punishment to our players. This man from Calcutta not only revived a cash-strapped ICC, marketed Cricket like never before but also made sure that India will bully others - if not exactly on the field - in the global meets.

12. "Swetpathorer Thala" - 1992

Bengali mainstream films had never had it so rough after Uttam Kumar's death and before the release of this movie. It was ridiculed by urban elites enraged at titles like "Beder Meye Josna"; and sidetracked by fares from Bollywood - or even, by Jatras - for rural folks. No one in his sane frame of mind on this side of Noihati would dare see a Bengali movie not made by Satyajit Ray, Mrinal Sen or a by-then-decaying Tarun Majumder. This movie launched few fresh faces, threw Bollywood interjects out of New Theaters window and remained true to a popular Bengali novel (by Bani Basu). Suddenly, our mothers and maasis were flocking to theaters like Rupabani-Aruna-Bharoti or Minar-Bijoli-Chobighor.

Prabhat Ray - who started as an Asst Director to Shakti Samanta - proved his mettle in the middle of the line Bengali movies that no one would be ashamed to see and yet would not lose on the investment.

13. Jiten Seal dies of heart attack - 1997

Watching the book fair getting raged by an unforgiving fire, Mr Seal had a heart attack and succumbed to it. Contrary to the popular belief, he did not die from or even had any burn injury. Till date, a two minute silence is observed every year at the Calcutta Book Fair in his memory.

14. Ban on Noisy Fireworks - 200?

Even Calcutta woke up to the cause of pollution and any firework that breaks the 65 decibel limit was banned by law. We all laughed at this and our elders waited with their earplugs at Diwali night. Surprisingly, political goodwill joined by popular mandate made this one of the very few such laws that was indeed enacted!

15. Bengal wins Ranji Trophy - 1990

If Duckworth-Lewis tests your sanity, you probably have not dared unraveling the "quotient" formula used in Ranji Trophy till early 90s. But a sharp Arun Lal surely did, the final was played in Eden Gardens and "mysteriously" the pitch was wet in the morning (without any overnight rains) to delay the match exactly to the point where Bengal would be favorably placed on "quotient". We did not exactly win it as much as we made Delhi - with three national members in team - to lose, but we did it almost after half-a-century.

Bengali parents quickly put "Cricket Coaching Camp" in the to-do list of the children, along with Rabindra Sangeet, Recitation, Bharata Natyam (if girl), Math tuition (if boy), NCC, Boy Scout Camp, Swimming at Lake Club and other very important things outside school.

16. Bakulbagan er Durga Puja - Continues since 80s

The idol typically 'made' by a popular art-director (Gautam Basu) or painter (Bikash Bhattacharya) or sculptor (Mira Mukherjee) or fashion-designer (Sarbari) or sketch-artist (Rathin Mitra) ; the pandal typically displaying true Bengali artwork of Dokra, Kantha, Pata, Terracotta etc - this was the reason to start "Sharod Somman". This is a puja that even a snooty "bong" cannot refuse visiting year after year.

17. Tram Company (CTC) starts running Bus - 1992

Running at huge loss, CTC starts running buses without laying off a single employee. The buses were - surprisingly - on time, brand new compared to the 30-year old ill-maintained 8-Bs, and would not wait endlessly at the stops to pack as many people as they can.

18. Prannoy Roy - Since 1988

What Mithun did to "bong" Hindi, Prannoy Roy did it to our English. Friday nights were all about eagerly waiting to see Prannoy Roy - inside Delhi studio - talking to an overcoat clad Appan Menon in Red Square standing next to Russian tanks!

We went back to school and was not so impressed by our English teacher's accent anymore.

Prannoy also got us hooked to the mammoth telecast of election results - interspersed with movies like "Do Bhai" - running over 2 days in early 90s.

We still want to know how you can look so impartial Prannoy!

19. Pranab-babu - Since forever

Indira Gandhi apparently advised him to always keep a pipe in his mouth -- to keep it shut. He is one of the last "bhadralok" old-school politicians, never been(blatantly) involved in any scandal, and always been relied on by any prime-minister. He is probably the only leading politician who (almost) never won a people's vote and who has never been bitterly attacked by any of his rivals.

His English accent is not really like Prannoy Roy's - but it reminds us of our dad, or of a close uncle. It's difficult to hate him.

20. "Chokher Bali" - 2003

Rabindranath-Rituparno-Aishwarya- and a forbidden triangular love with enough hint of an activity Bengalis are so sensitive about. "Madam Bovary" becomes a widow without bra.

21. Cleaning Poll Graphiti off the walls - 2005

Who knew a vague"West Bengal Prevention of Defacement of Property Act, 1976" would clean up our walls of ungainly political
campaigns! But, like the noisy fireworks thing, this one worked too.

Now, can someone please clean up the beetle stains?

22. Bollywood " Bong-Shells" - 200X

We had a plump but cute Moushumi Chatterjee in 70s leered on by Lalaji in Roti, Kapda aur Makaan. We even had an out-of-the-world classic bong beauty sporting bikini in 60s, but our lasses - on average - were never really known for sharp curves in Bollywood. Every babe we sent near Arabian Sea after 1990s sizzles. No one needs to send a middle-aged paunchy laala to pounce upon the hapless beauty to titillate the audience anymore. Present day bevy of babes rather keep hunting for hunks strutting their stuff in undersized undergarments.

The jaw-dropping doesn't necessarily require them to act, however. Sushmita Sen, Rimi Sen, Reema Sen, Riya Sen (carrying on legacy of her mother), Koena Mitra, Bipasha Basu, Celina Jaitley etc are cozily riding their precious first class coupe while Rakhee Sawants and Mallika Sherawaats are fighting for a seat in the unreserved compartment!

23. Visitors - Derrida etc - Various

Our lives will be meaningless without listening to the Hungarian director at the Calcutta Film Festival. Derri-da caused so much amusement while waiting at the long serpentine Book Fair queues.

Russian delegates from Communist Party apparently were puzzled seeing the huge crowd waiting to see them. One reportedly commented - "We led a revolution, but never seen such a big crowd". Recent visitor hero Hugo Chavez caused more people to assemble than in Rabindranath's funeral procession!

Who else would dare call Pope John Paul II - "Poltu-da" - on his only visit to the city of joy?

24. Subhas Dutta - 200o onwards

Probably the only bald in the list, but he deserves a standing ovation for actually pursuing the cause of environment. If you ever take a dip at Babughat - and still be alive - you have to thank this man!

Despite our love for Bookfair - and Benfish - we did not lynch this guy when he singlehandedly made the Bookfair to move out of Calcutta Maidan quantifying the enormous air pollution it causes near the lung of the city.

We hope this man would launch crusade against the ridiculous move to demolish Calcutta Race Course and build a - guess what- mall there!

25. Mother Teresa - 1997

Easiest entry in the list. The only surefire way to let people ("foreigners") know exactly which city you're coming from is to take this name.

26. Steve Waugh - 2000s

We relish the fact that our Maharaj made Him - the skipper of Australian Cricket team - wait at the toss. Despite that, and despite losing the 'last frontier' in this very city, this man has consistently been doing nice work much to the line of the person noted just above this entry. Kudos mate!

27. Kona Expressway - 2002

The new town Rajarhat expressway is merely cosmetic to attract the NRI money to nearby real estates. This four-lane expressway truly made an impact on many people's lives. A city dweller now can actually drive his car to Shankarpur beaches and enjoy the ride.

28. Binoy Chowdhury - 2003

Perhaps the closest to the Bengali definition of a "Hero" in this list, Chowdhury was honest, patient, humble, educated, capable and yet the least ambitious to always remain happy to be on the second spot. One last communist leader that probably everyone loves to admire.

29. Moonmoon Sen Kidnapping - 1983

One daring actress always ready to exhibit more than what her body could endure got "kidnapped" by two Marwadi "fans" from a crowded Park Street. Sen was later released "unharmed", apparently the kidnappers were smitten by her and just wanted her "autograph". However, this single event probably ruined the last chance many in our generation had to have healthy sexual feelings to the fairer sex.

Feminists, this event was included in "ups" because we must have at least one from the "tabloid quota". No?

30. Nalban - 1990s

Sector V - or its vicinity - today has one bowling alley, a few theme parks, a classy watering hole and several CMM Level 5 software companies. However, in the early 90s Nalban was probably the one of the three places in the city you could go with the girl-next-door eagerly waiting for her to put her sweaty palm on your's and still not be scared for a cop or local goon to arrive out of nowhere and embarrass you. If you gotten married to your childhood sweetheart, thank Nalban. If you're not, thank your next girlfriend!

Seven Reasons I hated "Spider-Man 3"

2007-05-08T16:58:00.000-07:00

(1) If it was an end-of-an-era type feeling to see James Bond brooding over his love in Casino Royale, watching Spider-Man going through similar early-20's love-crisis was a pathetic waste of precious weekend time. Superheroes exist because they tickle the 14-year olds inside us, not because we want to them to show how to make it up with our bitter girlfriends. Spider-Man was so burdened with relationship crisis that I wondered whether I was watching another episode of "Sex in the City" with characters wearing funny suits they cannot go to bathroom wearing!

Producers, please don't make the icons human. It would absolutely hurt to see James Bond visiting a dentist for Root Canal (even though he eventually roots for her canal!). It sucks to see Spider-Man, too, is scared of his girlfriend's mood swings!

(2) Just because it is the third movie in the series does not mean we needed THREE villains. It reminded me of old Bollywood days when even an Amitabh Bachchan could not guarantee success without one or some of Shatrughan, Rishi Kapoor, Vinod Khanna etc.

Villain number one - Sandman - you can blow away but you can never kill. Two, a pissed off co-worker from 'Daily Bugle' infected with an extra-terrestrial black "venom" that 'multiplies one's aggression' . It's something like a Viagra for Violence. We call that chemical "testosterone" in this planet! Three, Spidey's best pal when he's amnesiac, worst enemy when he remembers - "New Goblin".

The climax involves a foursome over a tied and hung-from-200-feet Kirsten Dunst.

(3) Wait! These three super-villains are basically good people. Sandman robs for his sick daughter, "Venom" does it because Spidey flirts with his oh-so-hot girlfriend, and the other does it because he thinks Spidey killed his father.

What happened to plain old bad characters who are evil because they like it that way? Hannibal Lecter, for example. When was the last time a villain you like had to justify why he chose to do what he does?

(4) The action sequences look straight out of a highly predictable video game. Except the scene where "sandman" is born - because of a particle physics experiment gone wrong - none other can halt that mid-day yawn.

(5) Mary Jane is the "career comparer" type girlfriend that a guy should highly avoid. I understand feminism and all, but you don't do that if you're a superhero's girlfriend, sing really bad and choose Broadway as your career! I am not anti-feminist, trust me. I never heard Prince Philip - Queen Elizabeth's husband - complaining at all about whatever he does for living.

Oh, and if an actress is paid $10 million for a mainstream movie glamor role, I would expect her to wax! The web on her hand had nothing to do with the title of the movie.

(6) Like the Indian state-run television forced me to watch Rajiv Gandhi for at least an hour a day in the early 80s, Hollywood forced practically everyone out to watch movie the last weekend to "Spider-Man 3". Just in India Sony released 700 prints for Spidey 3! In my local Century 16-theaters, there were at least 12 shows a day during the weekend.

Present day movie marketing demands a high number of prints to fight off piracy and to recoup most of the investment as early as possible. They just flood the market with so many prints that bootleggers cannot mark any profit. That said, releasing this movie to about 5000 screens in US itself is a record just like its $150m collection in the first weekend.

What's next? Running out of theaters to release, would they start showing the movies on the billboards?

(7) In India, this was dubbed in Hindi, Tamil, Telugu *and* Bhojpuri ("Maakad Manav")! Toby Maguire meets Ravi Kishen. Kirsten Dunst meets Nagma.

Imagine Spidey wooing MJ -- after that semi-bitter fight -- a-la-Bhojpur style -

While on Bhojpuri, one Mr. Jupiter Babu came up with a perfect 'review' on Spider-Man 3 --

"Bhaaya aisa kya hain makda admi me? Hum makda to dekh nahi sakte uskoo mar mar ke ghar se nikal dete hain ye sasura spiderman kahen dekhat ho bhai, isse achha baag me sair karon health banao, bachhon ko rizane ke totke hain ye Spiderman, Tarzan, Phantom, Chacha Chaudhari, Billu, Pinki, Gabdu padho aur dekho. Foreign ka Superman, Spiderman choDon, "Tara Rum Pum" dekho, ok, yaad rakhna bhulna nahin bhai log".

Lalu Prasad Yadav is way more entertaining on any day than Toby Maguire's Spider-Man.

Tabloid Heading - May 1, 2007

2007-05-01T16:00:00.000-07:00

I like tabloid headings. Short, crisp, double meaning, naughty and often making pun of the actual news. "Tabloid History of the World" is strongly recommended as a primer in this field. Let's look at today's main news as a good tabloid would have reported it.

"I Dow"

Rupert Murdoch has bid $5 billion for Dow Jones publisher. The share price jumped more than 50% today.

Castro May Not

Cuba's ailing premier is noticeably absent from Labor Day celebrations. A bad headline could be - Castroted!

Left not right

"Study" shows left handed women have higher chance of dying from bad things!

B-Cap

Army chief does not think women soldiers should be in frontline combat along Indian border.

"Burns!" - Men-on Holocaust

Indian foreign-secretary Menon meets his American counterpart Nick Burns on Nuclear Treaty.

i-Ran

On Iran putting a strong foot to US push for nuclear disarmament.

F*#D

Ford loses money, again!

Shell Met

"Zoo Atlanta has hatched a rare Arakan forest turtle, a victory for researchers trying to save the endangered Asian species — one shell at a time."

Old Still Die!

On a "study" indicating heart attack death rate has declined.

Bow. No?

Bono pushes US government to spread education to the rest of the world.

Percentile Dysfunction

"Thirty-four Fuqua School of Business students -- almost 10% of the class -- are accused of violating the school's honor code by cheating on an exam"

And finally,

Slum Slam

A fantastic National Geographic article with breathtaking photos on Dharavi.

My first attempt at pop-up video

2007-04-27T12:11:00.000-07:00

I fell in love with "Music and Lyrics"

2007-04-27T00:29:00.000-07:00

What it is about

Has been 80's pop idol Alex Fletcher (Hugh Grant) has one last chance to revive his career from low-paying appearances in theme parks and high-school reunions. Ruling teen-Goddess Cora Corman (Britney Spears + early Aguilera + Shakira) asks him to compose a song for her latest singles album. Problem - Alex is a pathetic lyricist. Sophie Fisher (Barrymore) appears to be one last chance he has. That is if she can get over her insecurity and if he can overcome the urge to repeat his past success.

When should I watch it

Right now! I just came back watching it and I am already considering a DVD purchase when it's released. This is within the top 3 movies I have watched in this year. Please keep in mind that I watched over 110 movies in this year already and am not much of a fan of the pure "romantic" movies! Still, I gave M&L a 9/10 in IMDB a few minutes back.

Reasons I loved it -

(1) Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore are the King and Queen of romantic comedy. Despite their very strong presence and despite sharing the screen for just about 13 minutes, 17 year old Haley Bennett stole the show as the edgy yet likable teen idol Cora Corman.

(2) Like any successful romantic movie, the story is simple and with enough touchy-funny moments. To paraphrase from the movie, a good romance is much like dating an attractive person first time. You will always relish the time you're at it. A love story, on the other hand, is probably like lyrics. You notice the real person -- or the words -- later and possibly understand your deeper feelings for him/her/ composition. M&L follows every known formula of good romance and, yet, makes your in-theater moments truly enjoyable.

(3) Just for the reasons given above, I would have given M&L a 6.5/10. What really made the difference was the exceptionally made 80's pop hit video and -- in the end credits -- Pop-Up Video style "trivia" on the video.

Pop-Up video has remained my most favorite TV-program ever! PUV is an intensively researched and supremely hilarious wave of mostly useless trivia accompanying hit musical videos (rarely, some movies too). The serialization of the facts would often lead to an inescapable trivia chain starting from a very topical fact (Simpson twins' "Hold Me Now" -- " 60% of callers who are put on hold hang up") that often ends in a related yet inconsequential -- sometimes unverifiable and so, naughtily addictive -- factoid(" The same percentage of women like "to be held" before sex") .

The same song had the pop-up question -- " Twins are most likely to be found in which US state?" You would be an idiot to pay any attention to the music -- or even to the raunchy video if it is one -- before they show the next pop-up-- "Minnesota".

As a trivia obsessed person who lives to watch movies and loves a well made spoof, nothing could have satisfied me more than a great take-off on 80s music videos (the part where Hugh Grant is unconscious on a hospital bed but wakes up singing as soon as the busty nurse bends down to inspect him -- takes the cake!) followed by a faux-Pop-Up Video style rendition of the same! That was sweet.

Trivia

What could be more entertaining than a PhD style article on pop-up video? The whole point of pop-up video was to make guys who hate TV watch TV.
Sadly, no new pop-up video episode was made after 2002. They still show some of the old episodes in VH1.
Only one DVD (Pop-Up Video:80s) is available on the series. Search Ebay!
Some of the trivia gems from pop-up video - (each line is a pop-up, following the earlier) --

Song -- "Rush Rush" -- Paula Abdul

Rushing on stairs causes nearly 1 million injuries per year.
Rush Limbaugh has rushed to the altar several times - his 1994 marriage was his third.
Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas performed the ceremony.

Song -- "Hold Me Now" -- Thompson Twins

A "new button" was introduced around the world in 1938.
(shows picture of flashing "HOLD" button)

Song -- "What is Love?" -- Howard Jones

78% of Americans say they are currently "romantically involved."
The same percentage say songs about love are "unromantic."
Percentage of marriages that end in death or divorce: 100

Song -- "Stranger in Moscow" -- Michael Jackson

A stranger in Moscow is a neznakomets.
In Los Angeles: freak

Song -- "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" -- Whitney Houston

What are the most common daydream subjects?
Sex and career change

Song -- "Cryin'" -- Aerosmith

Wolves chew and spit out food for their young to eat.
Humans do not.
Humans are the only animals that cry when upset.
At age 13, most Americans develop their first case of "puppy love."
Age 13 1/2: first phobias.

Some other gems --

Every minute in the United States, 6 people turn 17.
There are 114 Jacks currently living in Bloomington. (Then) -- None of them live with a Diane.
According to the Hosiery Association of America, a pair pf pantyhose should last 8 wearings. (then) -- 2 is the norm.
This video was shot 452 years to the day after Copernicus' death.
A banana is 75% water.
Nuclear war would freeze most of the earth - not melt it.
Cold showers actually increase sexual arousal.
Frogs have no lips.

I could not find any original pop-up video clip, but here's one on Mandy Moore that's close to the original (though, the real pop-up 'sound' and the entry pattern don't match)! I am told MTV-India had also done some pop-up video style episodes on Bollywood numbers in late 90s. This person can validate that. May I request a post, Sir?

Not so "Hot Fuzz"

2007-04-25T16:49:00.000-07:00

What is this about

This is a spoof on "buddy cop" movies from the maker of "Shaun of the Dead" (was spoof of zombie movies). Supercop Nicholas Angel is transferred from London Metropolitan Police force to a country called "Sandford". It's so tranquil that the police evidence room is empty, detectives show up at work only to gorge on ice cream, underage folks are served beer unasked at the area pub and local police chief keeps his son in payroll just to keep an eye on him! However, things turn a bit different after Angel shows up. A few people die mysteriously, and no one else but Angel suspects it to be murder. Angel partners with Butterman (local chief's son) and eases up on the country lifestyle. Local retailer Skinner (Timothy Dalton) is investigated by Angel for the murders. However, he discovers much more -- and many more -- behind the murders.

When should I watch

If you ever have seen "Point Break" or "Bad Boys" or "Lethal Weapon" -- you will have a lot of fun. This movie mostly copies elements from and makes fun of the three above. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost have been roommates *and* best friends for years and it totally shows in their incredible chemistry. Nick Frost, especially, has most of the comic moments thanks to his very fluid facial expressions.

In another interesting perspective, this is one of the very few British spoof of American (action) movies.

Some scenes - like the Priest shouting "Jesus Christ" after getting shot; or Constable Butterman having a "brain freeze" attack (ever had your entire throat-and-above numb after trying to gulp too much of cold ice cream?) just when they *really* needed to chase bad folks; taking the shortcut that has incredible amount of roadblocks; or the twin cynical detectives who just hate working -- are pretty good. Even though HF has its own fun moments, I expected way more subtlety and a bit diverse range of stuff spoofed.

A spoof is a tad different from situational comedy. Core idea of enjoying a great spoof may not be belly-tickling laughs, but the fun to spot out every tiny detail in the main that become inconsequentially laughable on a more realistic day. Hot Fuzz lacked delving into those "tiny details" to make it totally irreverent. There were "cool" car chases indeed -- and yes, Butterman and Angel unnecessarily turned the car quite a bit, skidding and all before actual chasing -- but in most occasions irrelevance -- the prime spoof element -- took a backseat over an almost believable story.

May be that's the idea. Even "Shaun of the Dead" was an almost OK "film" on its own -- had a nice story, real fights etc. May be the audience for 100%-proof spoof is not that strong in number to warrant a full movie -- but "Hot Fuzz" was definitely not a spoof on the rocks. HF got a 8.2 in IMDB, but even Mel Brooks' "Robin Hood - Men in Tights" (got 5.9) was far more enjoyable as a pure spoof.

Trivia

Apparently "they" took off from work for a while and watched 135 action flicks before making this movie. Nice excuse!
Cate Blanchett appears in this movie -- very briefly -- wearing a surgical mask *and* uncredited. Weird why they took her then!

Vacancy - Leaves No Room for a Sequel

2007-04-24T16:01:00.000-07:00

What is this about

A soon to be divorced couple (Luke Wilson and ever-hot Kate Beckinsale) goes about "300 miles" off highway while night-driving in rural California. The car breaks down near a deserted "Pinewood Motel". They decide to spend the night in the motel. Once inside the "Honeymoon Suite" -- that was probably cleaned last a quarter century ago -- they discover some extremely violent snuff VHS tapes. Wait! "Honey, doesn't it look like OUR room this is shot in!!??"
As the banging on their door increases, bitterness between the couple gives in to the alliance to survive.

When should I watch this

I watched this on a Monday night. Immediately after watching a pretty good spoof /homage movie - "Hot Fuzz" (review forthcoming). On Mondays most of the movies would be fine with you but "Vacancy" exceeded my expectations because -

The central characters of this chase/horror/thriller movie are not idiotic SCREAMing teens having no idea about their impending demise. Most of the "I know what you did last Summer" type movies is really about a cruel murder before or after some very wild party. Movies like "Cabin Fever" - slightly better than the former series - put together so much unabashed sex and gore that you could miss feeling the impact of one, or worse, both! After watching most such movies I feel exactly how I feel after a really good brunch buffet. Lots of food, yes. All favorites, totally. But boy, I wish I could have broken it down over two meals!!

There's so much gore, that you would not be able to enjoy the "scenes" with chilled beer in your hand -- expecting a hooded loser entering the scene and chop of significant part of anatomy of one of the orgasmic characters on the bed (or within the woods!). And there's so much (mostly teen) nudity that the actual shock scenes won't really reach the necessary climax!

"Vacancy" has a very unusual pair of central characters - a bitter couple! So guess what they said immediately after noting the bed probably has never been cleaned in any of the Bush presidencies (or in between) -

Amy Fox - (Rolling eyes) I'm sleeping with my clothes on!
David Fox - (Bland, expressionless face) I'm sleeping with my SHOES on!!

Won't you love such a "motel" movie to NOT start with weird sex but bitter-ass "I can do better than you" exchange between a blaming couple? I did.
I won't spoil the movie for you, but it has an unusually usual ending. I am almost tired of applying my "brains" to figure out the endings of recent thrillers. It severely hurts the quality of driving back home after the movie. You keep thinking "OK - so they're not really finished. They showed this handkerchief from the killer gang and somebody picked it up after the end credits! DAMN!!!"

Last night I drove back peacefully. I was sure everything was settled at the theater itself leaving little room for a sequel.

Don't you hate good movies that intentionally ends with a not-so-subtle hint of a sequel at the end credit? Why don't they just make both of it together and just edit it well to let you catch a good night's sleep? We will have two (or may be more) climaxes in the same movie in that case. However, in hindsight, one with multiple climaxes may not necessarily be a "guy" movie!
Even though the main premise was "snuff film" there's surprisingly less real gore in it.

Trivia

If you're a thriller fan, watch director Nimrod Antal's "Kontroll". Very smart-made movie.

Earth Day and Some Extreme Measures

2007-04-22T22:23:00.000-07:00

Today, April 22, is "Earth Day". Mother Earth is not only getting old, it's getting warmer, more polluted and environmentally unstable. I was talking to a friend in Germany this morning and he said the summer is already intense there in spring. Personally, I try to do my bit to reduce my "carbon footprint" to leave this world as habitable to my grandchildren as it was to me. I read most of my news online (that saves about TWO trees a year per person); I live close to work to reduce my commute to less than 80% of the US average (about 50 gallons of Gas saved a year); I recycle my coke cans, cardboard boxes and plastic. When buying any energy consuming gadget I always see if it is "Energy Star" labeled, start the air-conditioner only when it's totally needed and I do not use the conventional filament light bulbs. Overall, if someone rates every citizen on a scale of 10 - on Environment - I would not top the class, but I would easily get a 7.

However, just like any such burning issue there are some really aggressive "tips" surfacing every day. One such tip -- read immediately after a heavy and sumptuous dinner -- has had me thinking.

I get the point. Average commode uses 3.5 gallons per flush. Put some pebbles in there to make it to 1.6 gallons per flush. You save roughly 730 gallons a year. The problem is - primary objective of flushing may not be quite met. I am a heavy 'weekend eater'. Be it parties, dinner invites, belated birthdays -- I end up eating thrice the normal amount between the Friday afternoon and Sunday night. Now, biologically at least, this should increase my bowel volume three times between Saturday and Monday mornings. Sometimes, especially following Indian meals, the volume increase is duly manifested as an equal increase in the number of trips. Thus volume ejected out of body per trip remains constant, pretty(?) much. So what took 3.6 gallons on an otherwise quiet and calm Wednesday morning takes at least two full flushes on Sunday! As observed after gorging on to an Indian buffet, the number of trips goes up as well as the sheer volume resulting in an exponentially increasing volume of water. I just cannot imagine trying to 'move it out' by using a pittance of 1.6 gallons. I may stand and keep pushing the flush buttons like people in Rural Bangla keep pushing a tubewell before bathing.

Forget flushing the remains from a dinner, I have serious doubts whether 1.6 gallons would be sufficient enough to change the physical property of the water 'there' from a pale yellowish to the 'colorless, odorless' liquid known as life after a long Friday night beer party!

There's also this equation where volume of water you would need to flush down anything solid through a 2-inch diameter elliptical hole would be a function of the shape and length of the stuff your body is throwing out. Good Indian Vegeterian meals, Italian Pasta meals (with lots of cheese not lots of red meats) or even certain salads may not necessarily produce nice tiny pellets that would easily bow down to a thin stream of water. Sometimes all you produce down there is one single piece of an oblong "Big John" that you may yourself wonder -- after that painful 'labor' scream accompanying its ejection -- "How the hell it was inside me in that shape and did not even bend or break down!" In those cases the 1.6 gallons may just nicely caress the surfaces of it without any realistic chance of moving it at all. I adopt a nice 'slice, dice and wipe' technique when a truly muscular piece obstructs most of the whites I could see down there. First flush is to slice and dice. The second flush is to wipe of every single 'stain' proving such a monster ever existed!

1.6 gallons won't take it any far!

Seriously, saving water while flushing is an excellent idea. All I want to say is you should have options. I noted the "Dual-Flush toilet" as the best invention in 2006.

You can use two "modes" using either small or large chamber of water as output. On those after-three-bottles-of-beer or after a huge-wedding-buffet -- use the "large" volume one. On casual encounters otherwise, just use the "tiny" volume one.

No shit!! This is what I call a great piece of engineering. It solves the problem; gives the user a diverse set of options (including the one to reintroduce the problem it's trying to solve); makes the base system more complicated; increases the base price of the product and results the engineer promoted beyond his level of competence.

P.S. About extreme measures and environment, please pay close attention to this research as well. One Dr. Bala has found that chopping down all trees in the world would actually slow down global warming. He found out that trees' "heating effect" (they're darker and thus retain more heat than an otherwise bare earth would) exceeds their "cooling effect" (absorbing Carbon for photosynthesis) by at least 0.3 degree per year.

Let me restart subscription to my newspaper delivered at my door. I am now ashamed to have saved four trees over last couple of years.

Thank You Sunnybhai!

2007-04-22T14:59:00.000-07:00

There are some days that would forever remain etched in your memory down to the detail of how you sat cross-legged on the sofa reading those three panels of "Phantom" strip in the day's newspaper. Dec 27, 1984 was one such day in my life. I can vividly remember at least 20 strokes from that epic innings of Sunil Gavaskar.

Sunny grew up playing "Court Cricket" or "Gully Cricket" in a dense Bombay where he would be declared out if he hit the ball above a certain height. According to Sunny, he could never really come out of this 'defensive' mindset, and it resulted in a less than average one-day career. Yet he was -- apart from clearly being the best test opener ever --a great reader of the game, not just a local genius who somehow had a few unbelievable games like Vinod Kambli. Even in one-dayers, he adjusted and at the very end of his career gifted us an incredibly reactive 103 not out against New Zealand in Reliance Cup (World Cup 87).

Naturally, when such a great and intelligent player comes with words like these you expect somebody up there will pay attention to it and will focus the action to rectify the errors, not worsen it by following the formula that started the slide in the first place!

"When Chappell took over, there was optimism all around that Indian cricket would be ready to challenge Australia for the title of the best team in the world.

Instead, at the end of his tenure, Indian cricket is down in the dumps with a first-round exit in the World Cup, and is as fractured and divided as seldom before. The most promising of talents, as recognised by the ICC Cricket voting panel, has lost his way and nobody of note has come through in this period."

[Note: "divided as seldom before". Sunny's choice of words - in this case adding "seldom" in between - has always been a magic in itself. That "seldom" would bring an impish grin to anyone remembering the power struggle in Indian Cricket in early 80s!]

Please read Gavaskar's column in its entirety. Cricinfo - the so-called "leading" cricket site - has remained incredibly mum even after 24 hours this syndicated column was handed off to press. This adds yet another star to Cricinfo's partial and rumor-mongering reportage that could benefit to only a handful cricketers the website is 'allied' to.

According to Cricinfo, Sourav Ganguly should be dropped irrespective of the runs scored. If he scores too much runs, Cricinfo subtly starts rumor of a "contract" between Ganguly and his sponsor that rewards Ganguly for the time he spends at crease!! Ganguly's average, if not applicable his striking rate, and if not applicable -- sadly -- his age is sited as the reason the player "must be dropped" to accommodate the likes of tried and failed "30 year young" talents like Dinesh Mongia! I even remember reading a report where they even said Ganguly should just stop playing because, at least "Maharaj" does not need any extra money! Why the same site remains conveniently silent about Dravid's age, details of his contract (along with, if any, with cricinfo), his dubious decisions after winning important tosses and above all, his strike-rate or average (both lower than Sourav). Cricinfo reporting on Sourav is just an example here to underline the malaise with Indian cricket. Don't just get me started with Niranjan Shah-Shashank Manohar-S Srinivasan trio!

Gavaskar has again done a great service to Indian cricket! While the record book shows about 11,000 runs against his name it leaves mentioning how most of those precious runs had helped to keep our supporters from drooping, and our interests from waning from the game. We were sad after Malcolm Marshall and his buddies thrashed us badly at home in 1983 - just after we had won the "World Cup" beating "Them" in the finals. But, we knew who would be the last man standing, often without any significant help from the Yashpal Sharmas, to face the most ferocious horde of fast bowlers the game will ever see. That he was not wearing any helmet but pretty much a baseball cap with ear-flaps - called "skull cap"- only made the impending moment of violence more difficult to picture! But that moment never came in the 16 or so years He ruled. He ruled with an absolute authority of calm prevailing over mayhem.

And I thought he retired!

Today, the opposition has changed. Just like the bipolar "cold war"threat has now been replaced by an untraceable link of "terrorist cells" -- Indian cricket faces far more serious challenge from corrupt administrative forces within and from some money- and glamor-struck ex-Australian has-beens than from Glenn McGraths and Shane Bonds on-field. And guess who in the country of billion came down first, as calmly as he ever did, took his guard and said -
"Now even Ireland has a chance of beating Australia sooner than later"?

Thank you Sunnybhai! Just like you did 23 years ago in Chepauk, today you again assured me that it's not all lost yet! That there is someone unbeaten on the crease to take the fight to the day next. To a cricket-lover nothing can be more heroic and romantic than fighting a lonely battle against a pool of hungry jaws and I will patiently wait for you to win now, like I ever did those decades ago.

F@#% YOU Anand Vasu. Enough is Enough.

2007-04-20T14:05:00.000-07:00

Cricinfo profile of this self-proclaimed "expert" goes like -

Anand Vasu (Associate Editor)
When the IT revolution took place sweeping vast tracts of southern India in its wake, Anand Vasu stayed well clear of it, nimbly evading engineering college. Cricinfo's longest serving writer, Anand is a veteran of the glory days of ball-by-ball commentary from Valsad to Vizag and was the site's leading expert in cajoling government department staff to put up telecom lines, before mobile phones spoit it all. He supports Tasmania and Hampshire, and likes nothing more than espousing lost causes. An opening bowler who stayed undiscovered by MRF Pace Foundation in his hometown in Chennai because they were too busy working on Dilhara Fernando, Anand moved to Mumbai and had to abandon his first-choice career teaching basketball to school kids. But he continues to be a poet in his spare time and an avid consumer of single-malt scotch whiskey at all times. And you're more than likely to spot him with his collar turned up, in silent tribute to ML Jaisimha.

From the above - possibly written by himself - if I were a psycho-analyst, I would describe Mr Vasu as one not so successful academically yet full of false vanity; insecure; unhappy in relationship (if one such exists!); lacking any focus, and possibly an alcoholic one too!

Not so successful academically yet full of false vanity - Lots of people flunk IITs. But very few try camouflaging it with "nimbly evading engineering college". Also a self-proclaimed supporter of "Tasmania and Hampshire" probably tries to remind us losers how "un hep" it is to support usual teams like India in World Cup or Uttarpradesh in Ranji.

Insecure - "likes nothing more than espousing lost causes"

Unhappy in relationship - blames others for his fault. An opening bowler who "stayed undiscovered by MRF Pace Foundation" not because HIS lack of abilities.

Lacking any focus - He tried Cricket and apparently tried MRF but "his first-choice career teaching basketball" and then he quit trying in Basketball too!

Possibly an alcoholic one - "avid consumer of single-malt scotch whiskey at all times". This "single-malt scotch" also doubles up in the above "vanity" point.

So, I would urge a fair degree of caution when you read any cricket report by him in that Cricinfo website. Especially this report published today is so full of personal vilification disguised as an "expert analysis" that you would be sure of at least one thing mentioned above. Anand Vasu does always remain high on some shit! Whether he earns enough money - or any at all judging by his standard of reporting - to imbibe on "single-malt scotch whiskey" is unknown, but I would be surprised - and shocked - if he does!

So what's wrong about this report?

"It has emerged that the selectors, and senior members of the board, are far from impressed with Ganguly's recent ODI performances."

I don't even know how to react to this extremely parochial, naive, and may I say Dravidian journalism! Ganguly's recent ODI performances are bad?? Man, even Greg Chappell could not say that. We are talking about the person whose 2007 average in one-dayers is abour 63 - the highest in Team India! If you took him out from the team that played West Indies and Sri Lanka before the World Cup -- India probably would have lost both the series as well!

"His 129-ball 66 against Bangladesh, 114-ball 89 against Bermuda, and 23-ball 7 against Sri Lanka conveyed the impression that he was more concerned with making runs for himself than the team."

Vasu seems to be suffering from an incurable case of "boiling frog syndrome" where he neglected the recent records -- and yes, effectiveness too -- of all other Indian team members to shed his venom against one single person. He is singularly focussed to see Sourav Ganguly go away from every cricket field so that Cricinfo's pet first-bencher Rahul Dravid is left with no real competition thereby enhancing the website's balance sheet. Cricinfo apparently has its material future growth tied with the longevity of Rahul Dravid's tenure as Indian captain and its exclusive contract with him. So much so that last time we had to bear looking at an avoidable bare torso of an Indian captain's -- it was not even tied to the celebration of the team's win in a hotly contested final of an International tournament (Chappell probably forgot about this win when he said India hasn't won any tournament outside after 1985!).

If Ganguly -- on Vasu scale of concerns -- forgot about "himself" and rushed as Dravid so badly wanted him to in that Bangladesh match, India probably would have folded under 145 judging by performance of the rest. Accepted that Ganguly's strike rate in Bangladesh match is nothing to brag about -- 66 in 129 balls -- a paltry 51%. But remember he was on crease watching THREE top wickets of Sehwag, Utthappa and Sachin gone by 15th over. India was 40/3 at the end of 15 overs. Had Ganguly tried to rush it up and played a rash shot like another ex-captain Kapil Dev did against England in 1985 -- he too could have been dropped in next game just like Kapil was! And the incredible chemistry Rahul shares with Sourav, the later may never have been recalled! What I don't get is why no one is asking Rahul 'the wall' Dravid about bad strike rate and less runs scored! 14 runs in 28 balls in that Bangladesh match! Something to write home about, ain't in Anand? If it were an unbiased journalist, he would also have shed light on the more apparent reason India had lost the game. Rahul Dravid won the toss and, defying the popular judgment for that particular pitch, decided to bat first! If I were a bad partial "journalist" like Anand Vasu, Rahul's motive would be - "I wish Sourav gets out quick in this mother of bad pitches and then I could just drop him in Super Eight" . That - like Anand Vasu says - is thinking for 'himself rather than for the team'. But I am not indicating any such conspiracy. Not yet! Though a point to ponder is Greg Chappell's clear disenchantment with Dravid opting to bat on that day.

"Of all three high-profile omissions, it seems that Ganguly is the one whose future is at risk. Is this the end of the road for him? Dilip Vengsarkar, the chairman of selectors, said emphatically that Tendulkar and Ganguly would be considered in the future but a young batsman taking the chances afforded to him could well make it difficult for Ganguly to return. After all, with no domestic cricket left to prove his form in, Ganguly will be under intense pressure to score in the Tests against Bangladesh. A couple of failures there and he might well be out in the cold."

Looks like Vasu knows quite a bit more inside stories than everyone else! Is it Dravid himself speaking with him or it is just how he feels after consuming the 7th shot of 'single-malt whiskey'? He had assumed - just like he did this time - it's farewell for Sourav last time Ganguly was ousted by the unholy trinity of More, Chappell and Dravid. ("Ganguly deserved a better farewell") In another he doubted - "it was now not so much whether he could make it back to the Indian team, but whether he still deserved a place in the Rest of India team". To think of how prophetic Vasu is, Ganguly not only earned a place in the team -- he was the highest run-scorer in consecutive two series -- 'man of the series' in the later one after his recall. Incidentally, Ganguly is the second highest run-scorer for India in this World Cup too.

It makes one wonder why Vasu or Cricinfo is so intent on seeing the best performing batsman in 2007 - and the man of the series in the last one at home - retire!! Vasu the astrologer probably needs to change his brand of single malt or switch to another career. Teaming up with Mandira Bedi doing some non-cricket stuff could be a good starter!

And why exactly Vasu's definition of "recent" encompasses only last three matches and not last 10 matches Ganguly played in last 18 months eludes me. But then I, luckily, did not HAVE to "nimbly evade" Engineering and -- having earned my degree from a premier institute -- am quite proud of my quantitative abilities. Since Mr Vasu is probably too busy sipping his single-malt to check the facts, let me just help with it -- Sourav's average in 9 innings played over last 10 matches in 2007 is 63.62 with a strike rate of 72 - the highest among Indians scoring over 300 in the same time range!

I think if Mr Vasu's bowling average -- even in the so called "gully cricket" -- were half as comparable to the above he would not have stayed undiscovered by MRF!

Dick in top Gere

2007-04-18T23:44:00.000-07:00

I mostly like waking up after a good night's sleep. Subtle sunlight somehow creeps on to one corner of my bed despite the foam covered area between the air-conditioner and window seal. Die another day. Today is all there to live. I am no poet or composer, but I feel most of the great compositions are born in those precious moments after you wake up and before you realize you're getting late for something.

Some days, however, I wish I could just skip to the next. Day before yesterday was one such. There was this brutal, sad, angry, cold blooded murderer who killed a lot of smiling, happy students in Virginia tech on one sunny morning. I got the news as soon as I got up. That's a bad, bad start of a day. As I opened my laptop to see the messages, I got this one from a friend -

"Can you believe this? Twenty people died in Virginia Tech and the top news in Rediff is either on Abhi-Ash marriage or on Richard Gere kissing Shilpa Shetty!!!"

My friend was outraged. I was thankful though! Thankful that I could now salvage a part of my day that was going completely wrong so far.

32 bloody corpses on a college campus -- a reality that almost cripples.
One BJP MP caught in flesh trading -- a big sigh inducing moment indicating nothing has changed or probably never will.
A Hollywood hero - best known as his portrayal of a 'White Knight' who truly falls in love with a cheap Hollywood hooker - surprising a Bollywood second rung actress by suddenly kissing her in a public function and the usual protests by BJP type people in India -- PRICELESS!

Thankfully because Media does give importance to such things -- like news on the guy suing Liz Hurley because she did not follow "all" the Hindu rituals of marriage -- I still read my newspaper daily and yet do not have to see a shrink. The relative importance in our lives of the fact that Aishwarya is getting her Henna from a certain place in Rajastan can be debated with friends over beer without the sting and frustration of a similar discussion on "Gun Control". In my opinion, we should ignore the Cho Seung-Hui as the ugly zit near asshole and keep focussed on our celebrities, and nerds (particularly those in Infosys management!). The latter do irritate - at times - but, hey, they don't kill!

Anyways, about the kiss between Richard and Shilpa -- watch this video. And this one too. It surely was a surprise to Ms Shetty as evident from this expression as they were coming down the stage about 27 seconds after the kiss and the bow -

Now, that is a genuine "what the HELL was THAT!??!! You SCARED me!" expression. I know. I have watched at least 30 plus movies of Shilpa and in each of those her "surprise" expression was exactly same as her "my lover just died" expression which in turn was exactly same as her "I am a serious looking cop in tight pants" expression. If you watch the videos carefully you will see that Richard Gere had to apply a certain amount of force to bend down Shilpa before pecking her. She certainly was unaware of this. The most plausible explanation was Richard Gere was drunk and he had spent a bit too much austere time with His Excellency Dalai Lama off late. He badly needed a bit of action!

Or, worse, may be the urban legend about Dick is indeed true! He is just way too horny to not react within 2 yards of any female like Shilpa.

One suspicion remains though! What was this guy telling Shilpa before she started to talk and what was he whispering to Dick's ears as she was speaking to the microphone? The kiss followed immediately after that. In the video I think I even saw him gesticulating something to the cameraman as Shilpa started her 'speech'. Was it doctored? Is Gere plotting a Bollywood entry? Or Shilpa a Hollywood one? Or the guy just said something like "Beware! Parmeswar Godrej is waiting for you after the show"? Scary enough thought for me to lose my sanity temporarily!

Watch for yourself -

Please keep the kiss controversies coming. These are "awww! so cute" moments in the newsreel. In India, we have our usual quota of at least THREE kissing controversies a given year. If I get two, I feel deprived. Historically, controversies involved Padmini Kolhapure-Prince Charles; Shabana Azmi-Nandita Das; Shabana Azmi-Nelson Mandela; Rakhee Sawant - Mika; Rakhee Sawant - another starlet; Vasundhara Raje Schindia - Kiran Shaw; Mallika Sherawaat - Mallika Sherawaat etc.

Time came out with a lame article on the recent controversy. It - like so many other foreign media articles - almost admonishes India to turn into this middle-aged uncle from a super cool dude who churned out "Kama Sutra" in past. Please!!! Give me a break. Next thing they will bring up is Ajanta-Ellora. And then talk about how stupid our movies are without kissing etc etc. Every time we do something funny about Sex, or kissing in this instance, we are shown "Kama Sutra", and then the bad X-ray plate of the present health! This is just not right. It's like how my mother still talks about the night in the movie where the only point I stopped crying was when a completely wet (and then a couple of months' pregnant) Hema Malini danced on the deck of a ship to save her lover from a bunch of ugly villains. I was two then! Things change with time.

So, please stop bringing "Kama Sutra" to every such topic. The relatively unknown fact that it was written by an avowed bachelor hurts even more. Though, in hindsight, creating such 'work' needs a lot of experimentation and Abhishek Bachchan, say, probably would not be getting much of it from tomorrow!

Titu Vs Gullu -- The Saga Continues..

2007-04-13T23:41:00.000-07:00

One of the sublime pleasures in school hostel is the transformation of useless banter into passionate debate often followed by altercations and, if unchecked by bemused (and very few) levelheaded folks around, physical exchange between two viciously warring groups. Since this was one big fun, I often changed sides. If I were a Kishore fan last week, this week I would be a die hard Rafi fanatic just to not let the heat die because Rafi had fewer supporters this time!

Douglas Adams prophesied the number 42 to be the answer to everything in the universe. He probably got the number only partially correct. Our lives always swings between two options, just two. Us Bengalis always have to choose one between East Bengal and Mohanbagan; Gavaskar and Kapil Dev; Uttam Kumar and Soumitra; Satyajit and Ritwik; 'Pahar' and 'Somudro' (Hills and Sea); sometimes even between Saturday (Hindi Movie) and Sunday (Bengali!). Rest of the India too fascinated themselves with Rafi and Kishore, Madhubala and Nargis and lately, Sushmita Sen and Aishwarya Rai.

It started with Femina Miss India 1994. A completely unknown Sushmita (Titu) upstaged everyone's favourite Aishwarya (Gullu). Then both went out to win "Miss Universe" and "Miss World" in that same year. We were so proud of their 'achievements' we thought everyone in the world will *now* know what we Indians are capable of. However we did not see any such visible effect other than the fact that Lakme became more expensive!

Now, after almost 13 years I see the comparison between them has not entirely died. Even my wife now thinks that Sushmita is "better" than a very "hypocrite Ash"! It's usually difficult to gather facts backing such judgments but the premises behind are mostly -

Ash - for some stupid astrological reason - apparently, has 'married a tree' before she is to marry Junior B.
Despite all beatings by Salman Khan she did not really kill him. But she happily accepted millions to enact one Ms Kiranjit Ahluwalia who, provoked beyond the limit one can tolerate, killed her husband. Ash does not have the courage to stand up and claim her own rights to a belligerent mass of anabolic steroid, but she expects people to accept her enacting Kiranjit who braved a much worse situation.
Sushmita, of course, is the symbol of independence. She has one adopted daughter whom most learn from 'reliable source' is her own though!
Ash dumped men to suit her career growth like you throw away those soiled underwear after a long day.

First, I do not get where exactly Ash tied a knot to a tree. This is as reliable as 'A tooth left in Coke overnight will dissolve' to me! Amitabh Bachchan does not deny running to all sorts of temples, neither we should care about it -- but he DID strongly deny this seemingly untraceable rumor. For the sake of debate, even if we assume Ash indeed 'wed' a tree -- it still is just a religious symbolism. Stupid, yes, but probably just as much as married women wearing "Sindur". Red sindur - BTW - shows the rest of the world that 'this woman's already been bloody. Had intercourse. Not a virgin. So, don't ogle at her. Spend your energy after finding a virgin!'. Every religion is full of seemingly stupid, and on second thoughts probably disgraceful, symbolisms. We don't care when *we* follow it, but if it's a better looking celebrity the world is a totally wrong place to live in! Sure.

P.S. The best on marrying tree rumor I found was -

"It seems Aish also has a mangalya dosham. In Hindu tradition, the 'kumba vivaham' penance for it is to tie a mangalsutra for a plantain tree or banyan tree."

Note there is no report of her actually doing it. Looks like another SMS kind journalism to me!

Second, About Khan episode of heightened testesterone - Aishwarya Rai did lodge a formal police complaint in 2002. She did - unheard of from a Bollywood heroine till then - a 'press release' exposing the maltreatment she received. She decided not to team up with Salman for any movie in future, and thereby lost some highly viable business (Bajirao Mastani, for example). Zeenat Aman, often proclaimed as one of the boldest actresses India produced, was publicly kicked by her then boyfriend in front of at least 50 odd people in Tajmahal hotel lobby, Bombay. She was on the verge of losing her left eye because the shoes dug in; but she did not mutter a single word in public. Ash - often denounced as 'plastic' and 'facile - indeed became a pioneer even though within a shabbily maintained bollywood standard of things. To me, she passed with flying colors in all papers on dignity, strength and courage when compared to her peers!

Third, this is the weirdest of them all. A lady allegedly having links with a dreaded gangster, with all intentions to twist tax laws and having done it, single yet rumored to have her own daughter as one 'adopted' is the one who is NOT hypocrite??

Fourth, anyone remembers a character called Rajat Tara from Delhi? She is the first one to be dumped after a certain Ms Sen won "Miss Universe" in 1994. Nothing bad in that. Everyone should probably try to build a relationship that is sustainable from all angles. Saves bitter heartburn later.

I admit I totally like Aishwarya. She's totally hot these days and I paused the DHOOM-2 DVD so many times there is a dent in my remote. She acted awesome in at least "HDDCS", "Raincoat" (must see) and "Guru", and at least in some parts of "Choker Bali". Unlike Ravi Shastri in 1994 Femina Contest, I would vote for Ash today if I have to choose. But what I don't understand is why she 'has to' lose again, particularly to a mostly unsuccessful actress whose last mentionable work was a Jeans ad? I can understand why the entire female population truly hates Aishwarya.Hey! We guys hate Hrithik too. Nothing wrong in that. But what I don't get is why they have to push up someone as inconsequential as Sushmita Sen while doing it! For us, guys, she has not done anything worthwhile after her ill done (and may I say completely unnecessary in hindsight) boob-job.

Five Cool Jobs

2007-04-12T16:16:00.000-07:00

Today, I do what I do now because my earning is maximized compared to my potential (or lack of it). But let's assume Karl Marx and Warren Buffet put together a society. Let's assume every job pays the same. What would be the cool jobs for a backbencher like me? Every year Money magazine comes up with a list of "Best Jobs in America" -- I cannot find the jobs I think are "cool" w.r.t. the Marx-Buffet society there.

Evaluating factors for such "cool" jobs would be -

Amount of real work - the lesser the better. Even better if the position demands least amount of seasonal work and / or mostly watching other people finish something that you would share a profit on.
Control on other people's lives - can you make a superstar cry or beg (Income Tax Officer)? Can you scare the shit out of the 'topper' in the school? (The guy who posts the marksheet on the wall). Remember, Marx and Buffet took care of the poverty and serious stuff, so all you have to do is to create some illusions of your importance into significant people's lives.
Non-cash compensation - can you get to offer batting advice to Sachin Tendulkar? Or, laugh off on Aishwarya's Cannes gown from your living room and be heard? Can you be the dispatcher from Maxim magazine that takes a hard copy of photographs to a starlet's house for her approval to print?
Permanence - remember you will not at all be working hard. So you have to choose a job that is safe, stable and with minimum or no competition to limit lay-off!

1. Guy who decides show times in the Movieplex -

Upside - Typically there are 8 to 16 theaters in a plex. About 4 to 6 movies release a weekend. You can make or break a relationship here. Most people remember their first movie together! After 15 years - thanks to you - something like this may come up in a conversation. "Just like our first movie - "Dil Ka Rishta" - this is not going anywhere!"

You watch all the new releases free. You can bullshit about "Just in Time" and other assembly line lingo during performance reviews.

Downside - if you are single, you probably have to go to theme park for dates!

2. One-liner writer in late night TV shows -

Upside - You can Google for "Joke" and get paid. You just have to find a safe host and write may be 15 words per night. If you are unhappy with your wife, poke fun at Hillary Clinton or Rabri Devi. If you are upset with your son - laugh at Vivek Oberoi. etc. etc.

Downside - This is a low-profile and very safe job. So, can easily be outsourced. Also, your wife won't understand your jokes after a while. She will start feeling embarrassed if you speak out in front of her friends.

3. Last Page Editor in any popular magazine -

Say, "Eyecatchers" in India Today or "Glitterati" in Outlook.
Upside - No matter what's on the cover, everyone reads those pages first (unless it's a "Playboy" or similar one). No one ever complained about the quality or lack of it. There are no 'angry' old folks writing to editors complaining about journalistic standards. Totally safe job. Just find one B-grade semi-clad female model producing first album; some politician's wedding cake arrived late-type news; Finance Minister's wife chatting with Amar Singh's and one random photo from a fashion show -- and you are done for the week!

Downside - Almost none. Except that you have to work hard on those "special anniversary issues" once every year. But even then it's just mostly a compilation of bests from earlier last pages! On 25th anniversary issue, just do a collage of all 'revealing' pint sized pics that every appeared on your magazine on the page. Just make sure people recognize Zeenat Aman and Mandakini on that collage. You may even get a bonus!

4. "Computer Analyst" to Indian Cricket Team -

Upside - Pointing out flaws to Sachin, Sourav and Rahul's batting. Tell how Kumble's arms should bend for 'optimum angular MoI (moment of inertia)'. Remember to restrict bullshit though. They may invite you for real nets otherwise! Travel to exotic locations in First class, stay in the same quality top hotels as the players, watch the match from special boxes and eat free food at stupid local rich NRI's house. When players are sweating in the field, grab a beer and surf or chat. Look busy and keep that cricinfo page open. Just in case. Pretty much like a software engineer's job with much better social life! The coach will ask for your help in drafting any 'secret' emails. Leak it - along with other dirty dressing room gossips - later to your media buddies. Ask them for free beer in return.

Introduce yourself as "I am with Indian Cricket team" in the local bar. Bitch about their lack of positive attitude and how fast Sachin eats Zunkas at lunch.

If you are really one of those enterprising types, launch a cricket 'software' or a CD compilation. Invite the whole team for inauguration. They will do it free! Sell it off to Nike, pocket the money and run.

Downside - Almost none. No matter what the team does, no one ever beat up a computer analyst. This is a dream job!

5. Movie Producer -

Upside - EVERYTHING! Just be careful it is no sting operation and avoid Amar Singh types for company. Biggest challenge in life would be to find a place to go to for vacation, now that you would have gone to all the cool places for "shooting"!

Downside - Irritating phone calls from aging stars. After a flop movie, you may have to add an extra "R" or "S" or "H" to your name. Don't introduce yourself to your son's or daughter's friends.

So, what do YOU want to be?

Thought Fart of the day

2007-04-11T11:12:00.000-07:00

Work-life balance is a big myth. No one can have it. Yeah, I know what you are thinking. But even pornstars have pretty lousy X-mas. They don't work in holidays and have no families to enjoy time-off with (I hope so!).

You are happy when life sucks much less than work does. Vacation is the break even threshold point where the work becomes so pathetic that you try to balance it by adding stress to your other life too. I have never seen a stress free vacation.

The key to survive is to see job stress as a yellow card. Then, just be hormonal hunk and beat the shit out of the referee.

If your life sucks more than your job, you are overpaid. Or, your parents are looking for a babysitter for the evening. They want to go to a movie.

Most "Gurus" are bearded because females don't want to be reminded of their ex or ex-ex types. You see how females immediately start "who does he look like" with everyone? Unless it is a carrot or bicycle. However they do it with baby carrots, if you care. When they see beard, they don't compare the face anymore. It's like "if someone does not have time to shave, one must be REALLY busy".

Bobby - Death of a politician

2007-04-10T23:03:00.000-07:00

What is is about

"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."

- Woody Allen

Guess what? This is not your 10-th grade essay to start with and elaborate on a quotation and Woody Allen is not always right - at least for death in movies.

Robert F Kennedy was fatally shot at Ambassador Hotel, Los Angeles on June 5, 1968 following a win in California Primary. I rented "Bobby" today thinking it will probably be a taut political thriller or an overly drawn anti-conspiracy drama like Oliver Stone's JFK. I was wrong too!

In fact, there is not even an actor playing "Bobby". Most of the footages are taken from CBS archive. "Bobby" is all about how America was fighting less in Vietnam and more within herself in the 60s. Racism, Dr King, Vietnam and a divided nation, huge part of the nation still dwelling with poverty, political sub-culture of satisfying media even at the cost of twisting polity, extreme hard work of just about everyone and - as always - immigrants. Written and directed by Emilio Estevez (elder son of Charlie Sheen, ex-brother in law of Denise Richards), "Bobby" shows a day in the lives of about twenty odd people who were in Ambassador Hotel on the day of the assassination. There is the elderly retired hotel employee (Anthony Hopkins) who - like all others in that period - was so much tuned to his job that he still keeps coming to the hotel. There is Sharon Stone (thankfully, she is finally looking of her age!) - a hair dresser in the hotel who exchanges middle-age marriage angst (bitches!) with star performer Demi Moore (who, thankfully, still is not looking even half her age!). Lindsay Lohan plays a teen who marries Elijah Wood in that hotel that same day so he can skip Vietnam! Like everywhere in US then, after assassination of Martin Luther King, there is racial tension among the hotel employees too. In other words, "Bobby" is a "Love Actually" in the backdrop of a real political event.

The movie briefly touches upon Bobby's political beliefs and kind of portrays him as the would have been savior of the nation. The movie is about two hours long. However, rather than depending on the 'conspiracy' angle of the murder or analyzing who did it and why - it spends most of the time with the period and characters that define it. There is also a "hippy" listening to Sitar and trying LSD to find "God". Overall, not a bad movie.

When should I watch

Depends. Do you enjoy political thrillers? Then keep yourself busy with the "Manchurian Candidate"s. Do you like period drama with identifiable events within it? Then watching it should not be a difficult experience.

Trivia

Apparently, Estevez went almost broke producing this movie. He also developed a "writers' block" while writing. Martin Sheen advised him to take off to a remote place and keep trying. He checked in to a random motel and found the check-in lady there was apparently present in the Ambassador ballroom on the night it all happened. Lindsey Lohan's character was based on her! I usually doubt coincidences like this. Problem is, this type of claims are totally unverifiable. How could you possibly disprove the fact that once I talked with P Chidambaram on my Niagara trip? We both were on the same boat for the 'Maid of the Mist' tour of the falls and I introduced myself. He was accompanied by his wife. Well, nobody shot him that day and I am not famous.
Though five more people had been shot with Bobby that night in reality, no one else died. In the movie, the other people shot are fictional -- probably because Estevez wanted to save some money by not having to give any fees to the actual people who were shot.
We could make so many taut assassination movies in India. So many of them, right? Indira, Sanjay, Rajiv, Lalbahadur Shastri, Gandhi himself. Out of all these, I think Sanjay Gandhi's would make an excellent movie. However, to me the most planned, dramatic and till date unsolved (read - best movie potential) political murder is Lalit Narayan Mishra's. Lalit was Jagannath Mishra's elder brother. He was the then right-hand man of Indira Gandhi, the union railway minister from Bihar.

Side joke - Q. What's the similarity between Eminem and Ghani Khan Chowdhury?
A. Eminem is a white rapper, Ghani was a railway minister from outside Bihar.

Mishra was included in the all powerful CWC (Congress Working Committee) a few days before he was killed by a grenade explosion in an inauguration ceremony. There are still so many questions that need answering. For example, his wounded body was taken to Danapur, and not to much closer Darbhanga. Apparently, the train was also made to stop at several places so that an alive Mishra does not make it to hospital. Bihar, murky politics, assassination, train -- I cannot find a better movie plot!

I remember reading a few "India Today" pieces on Mishra's assassination. Cannot find any online. But here is the next best - an excellent article from Jan 13, 1975 issue of Time on "Murder in Bihar".

Grindhouse - An Instant Classic

2007-04-08T21:16:00.000-07:00

What it is about

Having just watched Grindhouse, as I was walking alone - my wife decided to stay home and watch "Look Who's Talking 3" instead - into the dark and desolate movie parking lot around 3AM - I almost felt vindicated. Since I can remember, people have tried to "talk me out" of my quite "diverse" movie watching (and reading) habits. As someone who feels equally comfortable watching Ray and Porn; or Truffaut (same date of birth as mine!) and David Dhawan, and having the honesty to accept to like the David Dhawan more - at times, I have constantly been flagged by my friends and acquaintances. It was almost a cardinal sin to come out of the "closet" in early 90s and declare that you truly like to watch those cheaply-made Tarzan movies in Hindi; those murders happening in the backdrop of mandatory Jai Santoshi Ma songs; Shetty's innocently portrayal of villain; Madan Puri's over the top crookedness; Biswajeet driving a speedboat to save his life - and his wig from flying out; white shoes with pink socks; cheap disco beats made cheaper by Bappida; the quintessential Bombay Mill movies (not only "Nimak Haram", but "Resham Ki Dori" too!); Hope 86 and Sonam; the zillions of almost copy of "Sholay", and almost copy of "Mazdoor" too. Someone said imitation is the biggest form of flattery. Nothing could underline the saying more than the fact that you can have about five and half plots and about 900 movies made around it in India per year.

Remember the 70s in Bollywood? Remember any of the movies out of - "Bond 303"(Parveen Babi-Jeetendra-Helen), "Suraksha" (Mithun) , "Nagin"(with everyone who was alive then), "Jaani Dushman" (Sanjeev Kumar)? In that same period, a movement of B-grade "exploitation films" (exploit the animals, sex, females, lesbian vampires, nazi nymphomaniac prison warden etc) were running the pop sub-layer of Euro-American films. Remember "Cannibal Holocaust" or "I spit on your graves"? Movies that came in at least 5 years late to India and caused a lot of that last bench whispers among people like us? In US, those movies were shown, often back to back or in a series of 3 to 4 together in a night, in slightly seedy, cheap downtown movie theaters called "Grindhouse". Try to imagine "Society" in Central Calcutta in early 90s if you want to have an idea of a real grindhouse!

Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez grew up on a spew of grindhouse movies. Most of QT's work is nothing but a solid grindhouse movie packed with much better dialogue, superb acting, state of the art action sequences and a unique rubber stamp of his direction on all frames that screams "guy movie with class". In fact, his Kill Bill is almost a straight liftoff from a grindhouse film "Five Deadly Venoms". RR - who started his career with so-called "burrito westerns" - moved from one genre to another (action, horror, humor, sci-fi) in his short but interesting career. To prime for Grindhouse, I watched two RR movies yesterday noon in DVD. One made with $7000 in 1992. The sequel made with $70 million in 1995. I would not have known that just by watching "El Mariachi" and "Desperado"!

Grindhouse is basically two movies back to back with some "fake" grindhouse type trailers (about four of it) and even some fake ads thrown in between. The first movie - "Planet Terror" - is directed by Rodriguez. Because of some military experiment gone wrong, a whole bunch of people turned into flesh eating zombies. Main characters - a hot blonde lesbian mother of a six-year old; a standup comedian wannabe go-go dancer who loses her leg but then was fitted with a machine gun to fight zombies; scantily clad teenage babysitter twin sisters; a leather jacket wearing dude called "El Wray" with attitude who 'never misses' a shot and will invariably show some tricks whenever he holds a gun - even if he only has a split second to shot and save himself. Oh! There's also our own Naveen Andrews as the madcap scientist who cuts and collects - in a glass bottle - balls of people who defy him. You get the idea. Don't you? Intentional grainy footage, go-go dancer with a shade of tears as she's stripping, lots of bike action, forced bad acting, a kid who seems too smart but is so stupid, mimicking and / or respecting the traditional grindhouse "too filmy moments" and a very strong almost surreal brand of humor just as much as the gore are the footprints(pun intended) of the movie.

Then comes some gory but totally funny and incredibly cool trailers. Watch the trailers to get re-charged because things will be a bit slower afterwards. The second movie - "Death Proof" - is directed by QT and the first half of it lacks much dynamics in an obvious intention to bore you a bit with "safety instructions" before a bad turbulence hits the plane. You may even get bored and start drooping to hear all the talks between the four 'usual' girls in bar. Then they meet "Stuntman Mike" who takes the pulse and his car racing to three digits within a few seconds. He has a totally cool 1971 Chevy Nova that he uses to kill people - specially uber-talkative chicks with attitude! The last part of Death Proof has QT stamped over it as some tough leather clad females literally kick male ass, especially that of guys who hate and abuse them. Together both movies, with trailers, run for about 3 hours 10 minutes. I did not even peek at my watch except for the window when women were randomly talking about guys, drinks, jobs, pick up lines etc in the bar. But then it was QT's idea of creating an intentional vacuum before filling it up with hot high pressure hurricane!

When should I watch it

Right now! Please watch it in the theater and ensure more such movies are made!!

If you are outside US, both the movies would probably not be packaged together as "Grindhouse". Probably they would be released separately as two different movies. That would be totally defeating the whole idea of movie made from movies. Standing alone, or even together, the movies are not even a 5/10. Unless you watch it together with the same perspective the directors want you to, and it's not very difficult to do here, you would probably yawn in the theater and think where you parked the car. If you follow the directors, you will smirk, smile, laugh, applaud and feel satiated at the end. Yet, you will feel hungry within moments after ending to grab more of it!

To me, movies are of four types, generally.

Movies made from books
Movies made from reality
Movies made from surreal stuff. Movies to "feel", not "understand"
Movies made from other movies.

Grindhouse is not only a movie made from other movies, it is a bent-knee homage to all B-grade movies ever made anywhere. That's why I told you I felt almost vindicated after watching it. QT and RR made a movie exactly for people like us.

Like they take old stuff and repackage it in today's format and call it "remix" in Bollywood and everywhere else -- I wish they could take today's stuff and repackage it in yesteryear's format. We may call it "Premix". There was a remix song a few years back that tried to do the same with the hero sporting a Rishi Kapoor in 70s style of hairstyle, wearing white bell bottoms and colorful oversize sweaters, playing his guitar while dancing on a stage that looks like a giant rotating LP record, riding a Rajdoot with his won-over girlfriend in white and both smiling at us next to the "The Beginning" message shown at the end! It was a deja vu all over again.

In the bollywood context, I am so tired of watching movie after movie made in the same high-gloss, shot in Manhattan, without any obvious stupid moment -- I badly miss those lackadaisical 70's and 80's movie where a villain had to be bald and had to make a lot of mean faces to express his badness. I badly miss the usual 12 minutes of "dhishum dhusum" at the end of the movie - typically near a naked Pune hill. I badly miss the Ranjeets trying to smuggle 1 crore of Diamonds (so cute! Ain't it?) using a Ranjeeta without a trace of accent in her English. I sorely miss the 6 minute song picturization with no more than 2 changes of clothes and no more than 3 long takes. I sorely miss Dal Lake and a certain Saira Banu with her bouffant who even feels cheated in love there just because his lover did not show up in her birthday party back in Bombay! This is in despite the fact that she hasn't even been pecked once by the local Kashmiri houseboat hunk! Will someone make a Grindhouse for me in India, please?

Trivia

This movie is so full of trivia that it needs a book, not the postscript of a lame blog to talk about it! Still I liked when they laughed about "Angelina Jolie's Gone in 60 seconds" and talked about the "real" 1974 one. That was one more Nirvana moment for me.

P.S.

Thanks to Quentin and Rodriguez. Really. Also thank you so MUCH to my dear wife. I love you! I know how difficult it is for you to even try to understand why I almost toss and turn whole night- and run to pee umpteenth time - before release of certain movies even though it does not have Hrithik Roshan or has a "bride" or "princess" word in the title. When I asked if you wanted to watch this movie, and you did not want -- you just let me without saying "You could watch this without ME!!!" I would never understand how meaningful could a few roses be to you on certain evenings, but I guess it's pretty much how I felt last night after "Grindhouse". Thank you again! Thank you for not making me feel like this guy!

Part 2 - Ian and Greg

2007-04-05T21:29:00.000-07:00

(Continuation of "Reading between the lines - Ian in defence of Greg" post that adds up the missing pieces in Ian's article. Bold pieces appeared directly on the article, the non-bold font adds the missing links.)

7/ For example, in Sachin Tendulkar's recent comments he said: "No coach had mentioned even in passing that my attitude was not correct."

As a cricketer Greg was always trying to better himself, especially his mental approach to the game. Improvement doesn't come without constantly challenging yourself and also responding to the demands of your team-mates, something that happened regularly in the Australian team. Having seen Tendulkar struggle in recent times Greg would accept it as part of his job to challenge the him to resurrect his batting in order to help India win matches.

You need different approaches to face a Koala and a Royal Bengal Tiger. You don't need a mosquito net if you live near Sydney Harbor, but would certainly need one in most parts of Kanpur. I understand what works in Australia may not work in India. OK, both our countries drive on the wrong side of the road, but that, and the 220v voltage in residential lines - are probably the only similarities you can find between the two. I understand the words or action that could challenge Ricky Ponting to come out of his shell and win back the ashes, could only frustrate and corner son of one Ramesh Tendulkar from Shivaji Park. This gentleman Mukul Kesavan rightly points out that - "it's odd that Indian journalists and commentators should find the stereotype of the straight-talking Australian and the truth-denying Indian easier to credit than the chorus of allegations that Chappell's preferred mode for communicating with the media was the modern equivalent of harem whispers".

I am so thankful India does not have it's share of Tupacs. Otherwise there could be a song on my brother sounding like "Shut up and let go. You hormonal biatch".

8/ That is not questioning a player's attitude, that is called striving for improvement.

Or, you can call it "break the bastard completely". It's also called"reverse psychology" and goes like this -

(a) Make a list of players you don't like as soon as you take control of the team.
(b) Wait till they are temporarily out of form.
(c) When they come to you seeking strength and encouragement in a Cricket crazy nation that has zero tolerance for failures, just break their nerve by pretending you are the only one in the world who is delivering the "harsh truth". Tell them they're done and over and should retire right now.
(d) When the player walks away confused, send middle-school girl types hushy-mushy SMS or email to some eager middle-aged journalists who will always pick out the lowest hanging fruits. Leak, leak and leak every little diaper details to the media. This breaks the player even more.

9/ Greg was one of the best half a dozen all-round fieldsmen I've seen; he's up there with Neil Harvey, Viv Richards, Mark Waugh, Mohammad Azharuddin and Ricky Ponting and it would have grated that many of India's best batsmen were slouches in the field.

I don't like giving statistics to establish a fact. We Australians really hate statistics when it does not serve us right. For example, we got miffed recently hearing South Africa, not us, are the topmost cricketing nation! But if I had to share some statistics on brother Greg's fielding -

ODI - 23 catches in 74 matches. 31.08%

Let's look at one player my brother really hated for his awful fielding - Sourav Ganguly -

ODI - 98 catches in 289 matches. 33.91%.

One of those 98 catches looked like this. Let's not even go to Sachin's fielding abilities and his strong reliable arms from long. Another player my brother hates (actually, envies) for fielding once caught this impossible one!

10/ To see senior players just going through the motions in the field would have been enough to send Greg off on a search for young players who could field. However, they would also have needed to be good at another skill and hence his early push to get younger, more athletic cricketers into the team.

After writing this I kept thinking if getting younger, more athletic cricketers is the panacea why my own country has a 37 year old as the main strike bowler? Why the main performing batsman in the world cup in my team is older than any of Sachin, Rahul, and of course, Yuvaraj! Why except South Africa, all other teams in Super 6 relies on someone over 32 to sail them over? Why Murali (35) and Jayasuriya (37) for Sri Lanka; Brian Lara (38) for West Indies; Kallis (32) and Shaun Pollock (34) have not listened to my brother's advice and started looking for another job? Why the performance of 30 plus players in this world cup beats the younger players' performance (exception - G Smith) by such huge margin? We have to talk it over between us brothers. I myself admitted Lara and Sachin are batsmen of same caliber; I never claimed Lara is so much more agile a fielder than Sachin -- then why did I advise (unasked, like us Chappells do) Sachin to look into a mirror and ask certain retirement questions?

What if someday people demand that they want younger commentators -and not some old farts who have never even played 20-20s - and then 60 year olds like us have no future in this lucrative part of the business? Would that be a harsh truth, an inconvenient message or some baseless conspiracy to promote certain men as commentators?

11/ The fact that his tenure as Indian coach was less than satisfactory for both Greg and the team is probably a good indication that the system producing young cricketers needs more than just a bit of fine tuning. The day before he resigned, a "Kerry Packer"-style proposal was put forward for Indian cricket, which suggests Greg isn't the only one who thinks the system needs a large overhaul.

I wrote this article in supporting my brother. So I had skipped two very inconvenient truths.

(a) Greg's failure as coach with India is nothing new for him or not just specific to India because of "certain Indian reasons". After his retirement, Greg coached South Australia team for five years with a very pedestrian record just like he had with India's. Guess what? He was not popular among players in South Australia team either (search for "Chappell draws criticism in Australia")

(b) If the system producing young cricketers needs "more than just a bit of fine tuning" -- why did not my brother mention it during his famous job-winning presentation "Chappellway" - the fast-track to World Cup 2007 ? Why the "Vision 2007" was all about how Greg will fine-tune Sehwag and win us the cup?

One thing I must say about our family though. We sometimes acknowledge our mistakes. Even though it took more than twenty years from the infamous underarm incident, Greg almost offered a half of an apology."If I had my time again, I wouldn't do it,"I am not saying Greg will, or shall, but it's just that we may have to wait a long, long time for a Chappell to admit a mistake.

We live on hope. Maybe someday he will accept- not just through a SMS or email reeking of rotten flesh -that he should just have kept quiet, should have given a little more time in the nets, encouraged the players and not made them feel insecure. That he just failed to enact, with team India, what he said coaching is all about - "We're not talking about rocket science - it's a simple game and I want to keep things simple."

Reading between the lines - Ian Chappell in defence of his little brother

2007-04-05T16:42:00.000-07:00

Ian Chappell, as usual, has come up in support of his little brother. I just felt the short article had a lot of missing things. Here they are. Ian's original comment in bold, followed by stuff he's missed to mention.

1/ If there was any chance of Greg Chappell continuing his tenure as coach of India it probably disappeared when Bob Woolmer was murdered during the World Cup.

It also disappeared as soon as Greg walked in to India with borderline pedophilic idea that "Anyone over 25 and Yuvaraj Singh are bad. Young people are good". It also disappeared when he started dishing out his ideas unasked and termed it a "leak". Some of his emails reached more people than a Nigerian scam spam would! One would be amazed with the zealousness one single person was attacked in those! It also disappeared when he showed middle-finger to a sensitive foreign crowd in a not-so-borderline racist example. It also disappeared as he sat glum in the dressing room with borderline depression and did not talk with anybody for over three days during the last world cup. It also disappeared when, in a nation that thrives on stability, he started breaking the working mold of a winning team by ransacking through batting order. And of bowling too. It also disappeared when he used a "bio-mechanist" to snoop around players he did not like and gave more credence to the stooge's reports than to the performance in the field. It also disappeared the day he went ahead and tried to fix not just the way Indians play cricket, but also the way world's largest democracy works. Oh, and it disappeared every day - and a lot of it were there - when the team coached by my brother Greg my-job-is-to-motivate Chappell - not only lost a game, but looked completely clueless and devoid of any spirit to fight.

Woolmar may have been lucky to survive had Pakistan won, but losing the job was inevitable for my brother even if India had won the cup this time. Let me be brutal, that we in Chappell family prefer to be even at the cost of truth, Greg was never flexible enough to hear others' opinion and thus never a good candidate as a coach of a team of eleven and to a billion supporters. If he were one who would listen to others, one certain newspaper would never have a heading like "Chappell, your underarm STINKS". (That was not I, Ian, BTW. I use deo.)

2/ Such an ugly incident is sure to focus your concentration on life's priorities.

Fear did bring him closer to the truth that a hundred failures could not! It sometimes happens that way. Ever tried to convince your kid to brush his teeth before bedtime? Logic often fails where fear works just fine.

3/ As much as it would seem that Greg is probably better off without all the angst that comes with one of the most demanding jobs in cricket I doubt he'll feel completely fulfilled.

How exactly different would you feel when you are sacked from a job that pays about $230,000 a year in Cash - mostly tax-free; let you live in a separate quarter of a fine five-star hotel; journalists gate crashing to hear you as if you are a rock star; and all you had to do to get that job was to prepare a better power-point presentation than other contenders (actually, the others mostly spoke!) and wear a suit in a sultry Delhi afternoon. You would definitely feel "not completely fulfilled" to let it go. The pain would be manifold if all you had to do to camouflage your failure by bitching about what a bunch of losers you have inherited. Discount the fact that the same bunch reached finals of World Cup last time.

4/ A perfectionist, even one who has mellowed, is never going to be happy with under-achieving on his expectations.

We can easily identify to one who's repeatedly been pointing at the huge amount of money involved in every sphere of the game.

Sourav is not ready to quit captaincy because his finance is at stake.
To Sachin - "You got more than you deserve". (In Bengali)
About final 11 for a match - "Sponsors dictate who should be chosen and who should not."

We can easily identify with someone who is involved with the largest mass-media component passionately linked to lives (and, sometimes death) of over 1 billion people and thinks about how much money can be made of the noise. And still, at the end not chosen by himself, has to let it go. His expectations would not exactly stop just having been paid for 22 months, no matter how astronomical the sum in this case may have been!

5/ Greg's only rationale for playing cricket was to win. I can guarantee that, because we had the same tutor: our father Martin. Greg's approach in his latest role would have been exactly the same, to do everything he could to help India win.

That, exactly that, had become Greg's bane as coach. A coach wants to win too - but before winning little things like who should be in the team and who shouldn't for himself, a coach wants the TEAM to win. Greg wanted to clean up every 'mess' and then start playing. Ever waited for enough dishes to gather at the sink before you start washing them? It usually takes bad stink to drag you to start doing it as you keep piling it up! Greg thought of the players he did not like as "cancers" - not just people "I don't like, but have to work with anyways".

He wanted to start 11 battles and wanted to win all of it himself before he even starts winning 1 for the team. To him, it was a plain and simple world that we all have seen somewhere. It's called "I am right. You are grossly wrong" syndrome. Think of the classic ex-boss or the ex-wife and that's just a better looking Greg!

We inherited one more gene from our father Martin. The gene that carries the ability and desire to twist the truth to advance one's personal agenda. I did it too. Read about this bar fight between myself and Ian Botham -

Chappell then claims that Botham said he would "cut him from ear to ear". Botham vigorously denied that. "The day I have to resort to that," he wrote in his autobiography, "is the day I know there is something wrong."

After a few more words either Botham punched Chappell and sent him flying backwards off his chair into a crowd of Aussie Rules players scattering their drinks (Botham version) or he pushed him backwards off the chair and got hysterically angry (Chappell).

Chappell then fled the bar making a final rude comment at Botham as he left, resulting in Botham sprinting out of the bar and hurdling a car bonnet to get at him (Botham) or he calmly walked out of the bar pursued by a ranting Botham who had to be restrained by one of Chappell's team-mates (Chappell).

[Excerpted from Chappell and Botham autobiographies. You decide whom to trust, but close your eyes and visualize 6'2" Guy the Gorilla Vs. a skinny bloke bar-fight before you do. I do not see any "calmness" there in my vision!]

6/ Greg is a respectful person but there is no point in trying to be like an Indian when you've been employed because of your knowledge and experience as an Australian cricketer.

Please discount recent Sly Stallone episode where he was arrested for possession of a drug banned in Australia, but of very commonplace in USA as he was entering Australia to promote his "Rocky Balboa" - a movie that at least some Australians wanted to watch because of Sly's "knowledge and experience" as an American director! Or, the event where Hillary Swank was fined $163 for carrying an Apple to the garden of Eden called New Zealand. So what I am trying to say is - when you go and visit a different culture, be careful to their law and be respectful to them - especially to the difference between yours and theirs. Unless of course you hail from Chappell family. In that case, do not care about those dark-skinned bastards. Remember we have a common tutor? Greg and I? Our father Martin.

So, if you are one of us, if you're from Chappell family - just show your middle finger to the rest of the world. They DON'T matter! Be a Chappell first, and then be an Australian. Someone tried that before with some success too. Someone wanted to be Hitler first and then a German. Being a human does not ever show up in the wish list of people like us.

Part 2