Seven Reasons I hated "Spider-Man 3"

(1) If it was an end-of-an-era type feeling to see James Bond brooding over his love in Casino Royale, watching Spider-Man going through similar early-20's love-crisis was a pathetic waste of precious weekend time. Superheroes exist because they tickle the 14-year olds inside us, not because we want to them to show how to make it up with our bitter girlfriends. Spider-Man was so burdened with relationship crisis that I wondered whether I was watching another episode of "Sex in the City" with characters wearing funny suits they cannot go to bathroom wearing!

Producers, please don't make the icons human. It would absolutely hurt to see James Bond visiting a dentist for Root Canal (even though he eventually roots for her canal!). It sucks to see Spider-Man, too, is scared of his girlfriend's mood swings!

(2) Just because it is the third movie in the series does not mean we needed THREE villains. It reminded me of old Bollywood days when even an Amitabh Bachchan could not guarantee success without one or some of Shatrughan, Rishi Kapoor, Vinod Khanna etc.

Villain number one - Sandman - you can blow away but you can never kill. Two, a pissed off co-worker from 'Daily Bugle' infected with an extra-terrestrial black "venom" that 'multiplies one's aggression' . It's something like a Viagra for Violence. We call that chemical "testosterone" in this planet! Three, Spidey's best pal when he's amnesiac, worst enemy when he remembers - "New Goblin".

The climax involves a foursome over a tied and hung-from-200-feet Kirsten Dunst.

(3) Wait! These three super-villains are basically good people. Sandman robs for his sick daughter, "Venom" does it because Spidey flirts with his oh-so-hot girlfriend, and the other does it because he thinks Spidey killed his father.

What happened to plain old bad characters who are evil because they like it that way? Hannibal Lecter, for example. When was the last time a villain you like had to justify why he chose to do what he does?

(4) The action sequences look straight out of a highly predictable video game. Except the scene where "sandman" is born - because of a particle physics experiment gone wrong - none other can halt that mid-day yawn.

(5) Mary Jane is the "career comparer" type girlfriend that a guy should highly avoid. I understand feminism and all, but you don't do that if you're a superhero's girlfriend, sing really bad and choose Broadway as your career! I am not anti-feminist, trust me. I never heard Prince Philip - Queen Elizabeth's husband - complaining at all about whatever he does for living.

Oh, and if an actress is paid $10 million for a mainstream movie glamor role, I would expect her to wax! The web on her hand had nothing to do with the title of the movie.

(6) Like the Indian state-run television forced me to watch Rajiv Gandhi for at least an hour a day in the early 80s, Hollywood forced practically everyone out to watch movie the last weekend to "Spider-Man 3". Just in India Sony released 700 prints for Spidey 3! In my local Century 16-theaters, there were at least 12 shows a day during the weekend.

Present day movie marketing demands a high number of prints to fight off piracy and to recoup most of the investment as early as possible. They just flood the market with so many prints that bootleggers cannot mark any profit. That said, releasing this movie to about 5000 screens in US itself is a record just like its $150m collection in the first weekend.

What's next? Running out of theaters to release, would they start showing the movies on the billboards?

(7) In India, this was dubbed in Hindi, Tamil, Telugu *and* Bhojpuri ("Maakad Manav")! Toby Maguire meets Ravi Kishen. Kirsten Dunst meets Nagma.

Imagine Spidey wooing MJ -- after that semi-bitter fight -- a-la-Bhojpur style -



While on Bhojpuri, one Mr. Jupiter Babu came up with a perfect 'review' on Spider-Man 3 --

"Bhaaya aisa kya hain makda admi me? Hum makda to dekh nahi sakte uskoo mar mar ke ghar se nikal dete hain ye sasura spiderman kahen dekhat ho bhai, isse achha baag me sair karon health banao, bachhon ko rizane ke totke hain ye Spiderman, Tarzan, Phantom, Chacha Chaudhari, Billu, Pinki, Gabdu padho aur dekho. Foreign ka Superman, Spiderman choDon, "Tara Rum Pum" dekho, ok, yaad rakhna bhulna nahin bhai log".

Lalu Prasad Yadav is way more entertaining on any day than Toby Maguire's Spider-Man.

Tabloid Heading - May 1, 2007

I like tabloid headings. Short, crisp, double meaning, naughty and often making pun of the actual news. "Tabloid History of the World" is strongly recommended as a primer in this field. Let's look at today's main news as a good tabloid would have reported it.

"I Dow"

Rupert Murdoch has bid $5 billion for Dow Jones publisher. The share price jumped more than 50% today.

Castro May Not

Cuba's ailing premier is noticeably absent from Labor Day celebrations. A bad headline could be - Castroted!

Left not right

"Study" shows left handed women have higher chance of dying from bad things!

B-Cap

Army chief does not think women soldiers should be in frontline combat along Indian border.

"Burns!" - Men-on Holocaust

Indian foreign-secretary Menon meets his American counterpart Nick Burns on Nuclear Treaty.

i-Ran

On Iran putting a strong foot to US push for nuclear disarmament.

F*#D

Ford loses money, again!


Shell Met


"Zoo Atlanta has hatched a rare Arakan forest turtle, a victory for researchers trying to save the endangered Asian species — one shell at a time."

Old Still Die!

On a "study" indicating heart attack death rate has declined.

Bow. No?

Bono pushes US government to spread education to the rest of the world.

Percentile Dysfunction

"Thirty-four Fuqua School of Business students -- almost 10% of the class -- are accused of violating the school's honor code by cheating on an exam"


And finally,

Slum Slam

A fantastic National Geographic article with breathtaking photos on Dharavi.

My first attempt at pop-up video

I fell in love with "Music and Lyrics"

What it is about

Has been 80's pop idol Alex Fletcher (Hugh Grant) has one last chance to revive his career from low-paying appearances in theme parks and high-school reunions. Ruling teen-Goddess Cora Corman (Britney Spears + early Aguilera + Shakira) asks him to compose a song for her latest singles album. Problem - Alex is a pathetic lyricist. Sophie Fisher (Barrymore) appears to be one last chance he has. That is if she can get over her insecurity and if he can overcome the urge to repeat his past success.


When should I watch it

Right now! I just came back watching it and I am already considering a DVD purchase when it's released. This is within the top 3 movies I have watched in this year. Please keep in mind that I watched over 110 movies in this year already and am not much of a fan of the pure "romantic" movies! Still, I gave M&L a 9/10 in IMDB a few minutes back.

Reasons I loved it -

(1) Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore are the King and Queen of romantic comedy. Despite their very strong presence and despite sharing the screen for just about 13 minutes, 17 year old Haley Bennett stole the show as the edgy yet likable teen idol Cora Corman.

(2) Like any successful romantic movie, the story is simple and with enough touchy-funny moments. To paraphrase from the movie, a good romance is much like dating an attractive person first time. You will always relish the time you're at it. A love story, on the other hand, is probably like lyrics. You notice the real person -- or the words -- later and possibly understand your deeper feelings for him/her/ composition. M&L follows every known formula of good romance and, yet, makes your in-theater moments truly enjoyable.

(3) Just for the reasons given above, I would have given M&L a 6.5/10. What really made the difference was the exceptionally made 80's pop hit video and -- in the end credits -- Pop-Up Video style "trivia" on the video.

Pop-Up video has remained my most favorite TV-program ever! PUV is an intensively researched and supremely hilarious wave of mostly useless trivia accompanying hit musical videos (rarely, some movies too). The serialization of the facts would often lead to an inescapable trivia chain starting from a very topical fact (Simpson twins' "Hold Me Now" -- " 60% of callers who are put on hold hang up") that often ends in a related yet inconsequential -- sometimes unverifiable and so, naughtily addictive -- factoid(" The same percentage of women like "to be held" before sex") .

The same song had the pop-up question -- " Twins are most likely to be found in which US state?" You would be an idiot to pay any attention to the music -- or even to the raunchy video if it is one -- before they show the next pop-up-- "Minnesota".

As a trivia obsessed person who lives to watch movies and loves a well made spoof, nothing could have satisfied me more than a great take-off on 80s music videos (the part where Hugh Grant is unconscious on a hospital bed but wakes up singing as soon as the busty nurse bends down to inspect him -- takes the cake!) followed by a faux-Pop-Up Video style rendition of the same! That was sweet.

Trivia

• What could be more entertaining than a PhD style article on pop-up video? The whole point of pop-up video was to make guys who hate TV watch TV.
• Sadly, no new pop-up video episode was made after 2002. They still show some of the old episodes in VH1.
• Only one DVD (Pop-Up Video:80s) is available on the series. Search Ebay!
  
• Some of the trivia gems from pop-up video - (each line is a pop-up, following the earlier) --

Song -- "Rush Rush" -- Paula Abdul

• Rushing on stairs causes nearly 1 million injuries per year.
• Rush Limbaugh has rushed to the altar several times - his 1994 marriage was his third.
• Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas performed the ceremony.
  

Song -- "Hold Me Now" -- Thompson Twins

• A "new button" was introduced around the world in 1938.
• (shows picture of flashing "HOLD" button)

Song -- "What is Love?" -- Howard Jones

• 78% of Americans say they are currently "romantically involved."
• The same percentage say songs about love are "unromantic."
• Percentage of marriages that end in death or divorce: 100

Song -- "Stranger in Moscow" -- Michael Jackson

• A stranger in Moscow is a neznakomets.
• In Los Angeles: freak

Song -- "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" -- Whitney Houston

• What are the most common daydream subjects?
• Sex and career change

Song -- "Cryin'" -- Aerosmith

• Wolves chew and spit out food for their young to eat.
• Humans do not.
• Humans are the only animals that cry when upset.
• At age 13, most Americans develop their first case of "puppy love."
• Age 13 1/2: first phobias.

Some other gems --

• Every minute in the United States, 6 people turn 17.
• There are 114 Jacks currently living in Bloomington. (Then) -- None of them live with a Diane.
• According to the Hosiery Association of America, a pair pf pantyhose should last 8 wearings. (then) -- 2 is the norm.
• This video was shot 452 years to the day after Copernicus' death.
• A banana is 75% water.
• Nuclear war would freeze most of the earth - not melt it.
• Cold showers actually increase sexual arousal.
• Frogs have no lips.

I could not find any original pop-up video clip, but here's one on Mandy Moore that's close to the original (though, the real pop-up 'sound' and the entry pattern don't match)! I am told MTV-India had also done some pop-up video style episodes on Bollywood numbers in late 90s. This person can validate that. May I request a post, Sir?

Not so "Hot Fuzz"

What is this about

This is a spoof on "buddy cop" movies from the maker of "Shaun of the Dead" (was spoof of zombie movies). Supercop Nicholas Angel is transferred from London Metropolitan Police force to a country called "Sandford". It's so tranquil that the police evidence room is empty, detectives show up at work only to gorge on ice cream, underage folks are served beer unasked at the area pub and local police chief keeps his son in payroll just to keep an eye on him! However, things turn a bit different after Angel shows up. A few people die mysteriously, and no one else but Angel suspects it to be murder. Angel partners with Butterman (local chief's son) and eases up on the country lifestyle. Local retailer Skinner (Timothy Dalton) is investigated by Angel for the murders. However, he discovers much more -- and many more -- behind the murders.

When should I watch

If you ever have seen "Point Break" or "Bad Boys" or "Lethal Weapon" -- you will have a lot of fun. This movie mostly copies elements from and makes fun of the three above. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost have been roommates *and* best friends for years and it totally shows in their incredible chemistry. Nick Frost, especially, has most of the comic moments thanks to his very fluid facial expressions.

In another interesting perspective, this is one of the very few British spoof of American (action) movies.

Some scenes - like the Priest shouting "Jesus Christ" after getting shot; or Constable Butterman having a "brain freeze" attack (ever had your entire throat-and-above numb after trying to gulp too much of cold ice cream?) just when they *really* needed to chase bad folks; taking the shortcut that has incredible amount of roadblocks; or the twin cynical detectives who just hate working -- are pretty good. Even though HF has its own fun moments, I expected way more subtlety and a bit diverse range of stuff spoofed.

A spoof is a tad different from situational comedy. Core idea of enjoying a great spoof may not be belly-tickling laughs, but the fun to spot out every tiny detail in the main that become inconsequentially laughable on a more realistic day. Hot Fuzz lacked delving into those "tiny details" to make it totally irreverent. There were "cool" car chases indeed -- and yes, Butterman and Angel unnecessarily turned the car quite a bit, skidding and all before actual chasing -- but in most occasions irrelevance -- the prime spoof element -- took a backseat over an almost believable story.

May be that's the idea. Even "Shaun of the Dead" was an almost OK "film" on its own -- had a nice story, real fights etc. May be the audience for 100%-proof spoof is not that strong in number to warrant a full movie -- but "Hot Fuzz" was definitely not a spoof on the rocks. HF got a 8.2 in IMDB, but even Mel Brooks' "Robin Hood - Men in Tights" (got 5.9) was far more enjoyable as a pure spoof.

Trivia

• Apparently "they" took off from work for a while and watched 135 action flicks before making this movie. Nice excuse!
• Cate Blanchett appears in this movie -- very briefly -- wearing a surgical mask *and* uncredited. Weird why they took her then!
  

Vacancy - Leaves No Room for a Sequel

What is this about

A soon to be divorced couple (Luke Wilson and ever-hot Kate Beckinsale) goes about "300 miles" off highway while night-driving in rural California. The car breaks down near a deserted "Pinewood Motel". They decide to spend the night in the motel. Once inside the "Honeymoon Suite" -- that was probably cleaned last a quarter century ago -- they discover some extremely violent snuff VHS tapes. Wait! "Honey, doesn't it look like OUR room this is shot in!!??"
As the banging on their door increases, bitterness between the couple gives in to the alliance to survive.

When should I watch this

I watched this on a Monday night. Immediately after watching a pretty good spoof /homage movie - "Hot Fuzz" (review forthcoming). On Mondays most of the movies would be fine with you but "Vacancy" exceeded my expectations because -

• The central characters of this chase/horror/thriller movie are not idiotic SCREAMing teens having no idea about their impending demise. Most of the "I know what you did last Summer" type movies is really about a cruel murder before or after some very wild party. Movies like "Cabin Fever" - slightly better than the former series - put together so much unabashed sex and gore that you could miss feeling the impact of one, or worse, both! After watching most such movies I feel exactly how I feel after a really good brunch buffet. Lots of food, yes. All favorites, totally. But boy, I wish I could have broken it down over two meals!!
  
  There's so much gore, that you would not be able to enjoy the "scenes" with chilled beer in your hand -- expecting a hooded loser entering the scene and chop of significant part of anatomy of one of the orgasmic characters on the bed (or within the woods!). And there's so much (mostly teen) nudity that the actual shock scenes won't really reach the necessary climax!
  
  "Vacancy" has a very unusual pair of central characters - a bitter couple! So guess what they said immediately after noting the bed probably has never been cleaned in any of the Bush presidencies (or in between) -
  
  Amy Fox - (Rolling eyes) I'm sleeping with my clothes on!
  David Fox - (Bland, expressionless face) I'm sleeping with my SHOES on!!
  
  Won't you love such a "motel" movie to NOT start with weird sex but bitter-ass "I can do better than you" exchange between a blaming couple? I did.
  
  
• I won't spoil the movie for you, but it has an unusually usual ending. I am almost tired of applying my "brains" to figure out the endings of recent thrillers. It severely hurts the quality of driving back home after the movie. You keep thinking "OK - so they're not really finished. They showed this handkerchief from the killer gang and somebody picked it up after the end credits! DAMN!!!"
  
  Last night I drove back peacefully. I was sure everything was settled at the theater itself leaving little room for a sequel.
  
  Don't you hate good movies that intentionally ends with a not-so-subtle hint of a sequel at the end credit? Why don't they just make both of it together and just edit it well to let you catch a good night's sleep? We will have two (or may be more) climaxes in the same movie in that case. However, in hindsight, one with multiple climaxes may not necessarily be a "guy" movie!
  
  
• Even though the main premise was "snuff film" there's surprisingly less real gore in it.
  

Trivia

If you're a thriller fan, watch director Nimrod Antal's "Kontroll". Very smart-made movie.

Earth Day and Some Extreme Measures

Today, April 22, is "Earth Day". Mother Earth is not only getting old, it's getting warmer, more polluted and environmentally unstable. I was talking to a friend in Germany this morning and he said the summer is already intense there in spring. Personally, I try to do my bit to reduce my "carbon footprint" to leave this world as habitable to my grandchildren as it was to me. I read most of my news online (that saves about TWO trees a year per person); I live close to work to reduce my commute to less than 80% of the US average (about 50 gallons of Gas saved a year); I recycle my coke cans, cardboard boxes and plastic. When buying any energy consuming gadget I always see if it is "Energy Star" labeled, start the air-conditioner only when it's totally needed and I do not use the conventional filament light bulbs. Overall, if someone rates every citizen on a scale of 10 - on Environment - I would not top the class, but I would easily get a 7.

However, just like any such burning issue there are some really aggressive "tips" surfacing every day. One such tip -- read immediately after a heavy and sumptuous dinner -- has had me thinking.

I get the point. Average commode uses 3.5 gallons per flush. Put some pebbles in there to make it to 1.6 gallons per flush. You save roughly 730 gallons a year. The problem is - primary objective of flushing may not be quite met. I am a heavy 'weekend eater'. Be it parties, dinner invites, belated birthdays -- I end up eating thrice the normal amount between the Friday afternoon and Sunday night. Now, biologically at least, this should increase my bowel volume three times between Saturday and Monday mornings. Sometimes, especially following Indian meals, the volume increase is duly manifested as an equal increase in the number of trips. Thus volume ejected out of body per trip remains constant, pretty(?) much. So what took 3.6 gallons on an otherwise quiet and calm Wednesday morning takes at least two full flushes on Sunday! As observed after gorging on to an Indian buffet, the number of trips goes up as well as the sheer volume resulting in an exponentially increasing volume of water. I just cannot imagine trying to 'move it out' by using a pittance of 1.6 gallons. I may stand and keep pushing the flush buttons like people in Rural Bangla keep pushing a tubewell before bathing.

Forget flushing the remains from a dinner, I have serious doubts whether 1.6 gallons would be sufficient enough to change the physical property of the water 'there' from a pale yellowish to the 'colorless, odorless' liquid known as life after a long Friday night beer party!

There's also this equation where volume of water you would need to flush down anything solid through a 2-inch diameter elliptical hole would be a function of the shape and length of the stuff your body is throwing out. Good Indian Vegeterian meals, Italian Pasta meals (with lots of cheese not lots of red meats) or even certain salads may not necessarily produce nice tiny pellets that would easily bow down to a thin stream of water. Sometimes all you produce down there is one single piece of an oblong "Big John" that you may yourself wonder -- after that painful 'labor' scream accompanying its ejection -- "How the hell it was inside me in that shape and did not even bend or break down!" In those cases the 1.6 gallons may just nicely caress the surfaces of it without any realistic chance of moving it at all. I adopt a nice 'slice, dice and wipe' technique when a truly muscular piece obstructs most of the whites I could see down there. First flush is to slice and dice. The second flush is to wipe of every single 'stain' proving such a monster ever existed!

1.6 gallons won't take it any far!

Seriously, saving water while flushing is an excellent idea. All I want to say is you should have options. I noted the "Dual-Flush toilet" as the best invention in 2006.

You can use two "modes" using either small or large chamber of water as output. On those after-three-bottles-of-beer or after a huge-wedding-buffet -- use the "large" volume one. On casual encounters otherwise, just use the "tiny" volume one.

No shit!! This is what I call a great piece of engineering. It solves the problem; gives the user a diverse set of options (including the one to reintroduce the problem it's trying to solve); makes the base system more complicated; increases the base price of the product and results the engineer promoted beyond his level of competence.


P.S. About extreme measures and environment, please pay close attention to this research as well. One Dr. Bala has found that chopping down all trees in the world would actually slow down global warming. He found out that trees' "heating effect" (they're darker and thus retain more heat than an otherwise bare earth would) exceeds their "cooling effect" (absorbing Carbon for photosynthesis) by at least 0.3 degree per year.

Let me restart subscription to my newspaper delivered at my door. I am now ashamed to have saved four trees over last couple of years.

Thank You Sunnybhai!

There are some days that would forever remain etched in your memory down to the detail of how you sat cross-legged on the sofa reading those three panels of "Phantom" strip in the day's newspaper. Dec 27, 1984 was one such day in my life. I can vividly remember at least 20 strokes from that epic innings of Sunil Gavaskar.

Sunny grew up playing "Court Cricket" or "Gully Cricket" in a dense Bombay where he would be declared out if he hit the ball above a certain height. According to Sunny, he could never really come out of this 'defensive' mindset, and it resulted in a less than average one-day career. Yet he was -- apart from clearly being the best test opener ever --a great reader of the game, not just a local genius who somehow had a few unbelievable games like Vinod Kambli. Even in one-dayers, he adjusted and at the very end of his career gifted us an incredibly reactive 103 not out against New Zealand in Reliance Cup (World Cup 87).

Naturally, when such a great and intelligent player comes with words like these you expect somebody up there will pay attention to it and will focus the action to rectify the errors, not worsen it by following the formula that started the slide in the first place!

"When Chappell took over, there was optimism all around that Indian cricket would be ready to challenge Australia for the title of the best team in the world.

Instead, at the end of his tenure, Indian cricket is down in the dumps with a first-round exit in the World Cup, and is as fractured and divided as seldom before. The most promising of talents, as recognised by the ICC Cricket voting panel, has lost his way and nobody of note has come through in this period."

[Note: "divided as seldom before". Sunny's choice of words - in this case adding "seldom" in between - has always been a magic in itself. That "seldom" would bring an impish grin to anyone remembering the power struggle in Indian Cricket in early 80s!]

Please read Gavaskar's column in its entirety. Cricinfo - the so-called "leading" cricket site - has remained incredibly mum even after 24 hours this syndicated column was handed off to press. This adds yet another star to Cricinfo's partial and rumor-mongering reportage that could benefit to only a handful cricketers the website is 'allied' to.

According to Cricinfo, Sourav Ganguly should be dropped irrespective of the runs scored. If he scores too much runs, Cricinfo subtly starts rumor of a "contract" between Ganguly and his sponsor that rewards Ganguly for the time he spends at crease!! Ganguly's average, if not applicable his striking rate, and if not applicable -- sadly -- his age is sited as the reason the player "must be dropped" to accommodate the likes of tried and failed "30 year young" talents like Dinesh Mongia! I even remember reading a report where they even said Ganguly should just stop playing because, at least "Maharaj" does not need any extra money! Why the same site remains conveniently silent about Dravid's age, details of his contract (along with, if any, with cricinfo), his dubious decisions after winning important tosses and above all, his strike-rate or average (both lower than Sourav). Cricinfo reporting on Sourav is just an example here to underline the malaise with Indian cricket. Don't just get me started with Niranjan Shah-Shashank Manohar-S Srinivasan trio!

Gavaskar has again done a great service to Indian cricket! While the record book shows about 11,000 runs against his name it leaves mentioning how most of those precious runs had helped to keep our supporters from drooping, and our interests from waning from the game. We were sad after Malcolm Marshall and his buddies thrashed us badly at home in 1983 - just after we had won the "World Cup" beating "Them" in the finals. But, we knew who would be the last man standing, often without any significant help from the Yashpal Sharmas, to face the most ferocious horde of fast bowlers the game will ever see. That he was not wearing any helmet but pretty much a baseball cap with ear-flaps - called "skull cap"- only made the impending moment of violence more difficult to picture! But that moment never came in the 16 or so years He ruled. He ruled with an absolute authority of calm prevailing over mayhem.

And I thought he retired!

Today, the opposition has changed. Just like the bipolar "cold war"threat has now been replaced by an untraceable link of "terrorist cells" -- Indian cricket faces far more serious challenge from corrupt administrative forces within and from some money- and glamor-struck ex-Australian has-beens than from Glenn McGraths and Shane Bonds on-field. And guess who in the country of billion came down first, as calmly as he ever did, took his guard and said -
"Now even Ireland has a chance of beating Australia sooner than later"?

Thank you Sunnybhai! Just like you did 23 years ago in Chepauk, today you again assured me that it's not all lost yet! That there is someone unbeaten on the crease to take the fight to the day next. To a cricket-lover nothing can be more heroic and romantic than fighting a lonely battle against a pool of hungry jaws and I will patiently wait for you to win now, like I ever did those decades ago.